Outside the Perk, Saturday morning

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

Dave was in bad shape. He was hooked on drugs. DRUGS. Well, a drug.

Caffeine.

He would have gotten a fix in the dorms, but as far as he could tell, he probably went on a crazed binge during a caffeine blackout because there wasn't any in there. Despite shaking horribly from withdrawal, Dave managed to make his way over to the Perk, where he could get the real good stuff. But they were all out, too.

Desperate and despondent, Dave stole a sheet of paper and made a sign to advertise outside:

WILL WHORE FOR
COFFEE

Holding the sign up, Dave slumped against the building, filled with despair, but not coffee.

Comments

[tatooine-doofus.livejournal.com]

"Whoring's illegal, son," Luke told him sternly.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"And taking away my coffee isn't?" Dave snapped. "Society's messed up, man."

[tatooine-doofus.livejournal.com]

"Oh, I agree, but whoring's not the answer. Maybe a nice herbal tea is."

Luke was a giant hypocrite, having just handed over a bag of coffee beans as payment for a hit.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"Screw you and your herbal tea!" Dave yelled. "I need the real stuff. I need the bean. Nothing else will give me that high. And if that means I've got to lie back and think of Canada, then that's worth the price."

[tatooine-doofus.livejournal.com]

Luke arched up an eyebrow. "I'm the District Attorney, so I'm bound to not tell you that if you find someone who works for my father, they'll hook you up."

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"Really?" Dave asked. This was going to get tricky, especially in Dave's current state, but he needed to press on. "If I were trying to stay away from your father and his... activities, what places should I avoid?"

[tatooine-doofus.livejournal.com]

Luke gave explicit directions.

"And rumor has it that there's a dwarf in a tree in the park with a stash of beans right now," he added.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"Thank you, sir," Dave said, pushing himself up to his feet out of sheer desire for that wonderful bean. "I'll be sure to stay far away from there."

[tatooine-doofus.livejournal.com]

"Crime never pays," Luke intoned solemnly.

Except when it did.

[onapalebicycle.livejournal.com]

George lifted her video camera and surveyed the sign, making a sad clucking noise with her tongue.

"Documentary," she said. "About the shortage."

Maybe everybody else was crazy, but this guy, she sympathized with.

"... say, uh. If you get any leads ...."

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"I've got no leads, I've got no coffee," Dave whined. "I've got nothing but a headache and withdrawal."

[onapalebicycle.livejournal.com]

George had enough tape for now. No need to torture this perfectly reasonable guy any further.

She switched the camera off and considered.

"What about all that fancy crap?" she asked. "Espresso and lattes and so on? Are they gone, too?"

[i-am-the-rat.livejournal.com]

Prostitute Hank had a near-identical sign, except his said:

WILL WHORE FOR
SEX

Because he hadn't really quite gotten the whole "prostitute" concept down, yet.

He wandered over to Dave. "Hey... Is this corner yours?"

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"They've got nothing but water and warm milk," Dave said. "HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THAT?"

He yelled that part to shame the clerk a little more.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"No, no, you can go ahead and have the corner," Dave said. "I'm just hoping a coffee baron who likes short, teenage boys comes around to scope out the competition."

[onapalebicycle.livejournal.com]

"Do you know where I grew up? Seattle," George said. "I've been drinking coffee since I was nine."

This went beyond addiction. Heads would roll.

"You know? I bet they have coffee back there and they're keeping it to themselves."

Did that clerk look scared? Because he really should.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"No, they don't," Dave said. "I yelled at him enough to make him cry and he still didn't give anything up."

[onapalebicycle.livejournal.com]

"Did you cut any of them and make gooey bits come out?" George asked.

... George really shouldn't go without caffeine for this long. Sorry, Dave.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"I've been without the bean since Thursday. I can barely lift my arms," Dave said.

[i-am-the-rat.livejournal.com]

"Oh, BOY!!!" Prostitute Hank exclaimed. "I sure hope so!!! I'll bet coffee barons have all KINDS of sex!!!"

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"You're new to whoring, aren't you?" Dave guessed.

[i-am-the-rat.livejournal.com]

"Yup!!!" Prostitute Hank confirmed. "I was just a clone in a jar this morning!!!" He looked around, and then leaned close to Dave conspiratorially. "I'm in it for the sex," he whispered.

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"Well, that would be the main reason to be a hooker," Dave said. "Well, that or the money. Or the coffee. That's all I really care about."

[i-am-the-rat.livejournal.com]

"Oh, boy, you have COFFEE!?!" Hank exclaimed. "I thought the island was all out of it!!!"

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"... No," Dave said, weakly pointing at his sign. "I'm offering my body for coffee."

[i-am-the-rat.livejournal.com]

"...Oh," Prostitute Hank replied, beginning to understand. "Well, I'm offering my body for sex."

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"So you're not even going to charge money?" Dave asked.

[i-am-the-rat.livejournal.com]

"Oh, wow, I could charge MONEY!??!?"

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"If you don't, you're less of a prostitute and more... just kind of slutty," Dave pointed out.

[i-am-the-rat.livejournal.com]

"Hmmmm... I'll have to think about that," Prostitute Hank decided. "Thanks, Mister!!! You're the greatest!!!"

[iwishiwasbig.livejournal.com]

"Don't mention it," Dave said. "Unless you hear where there's some coffee. You can definitely mention that!"