fandomtownies | The Park, Saturday Afternoon

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kanan jarrus

The Park, Saturday Afternoon

Kanan had been anxious. All week, he'd been anxious, but today, that had been ramped up a few extra notches. And the hell of it was, he couldn't really put a finger on why. Or, rather, he could, but he was a man in denial. A Force-sensitive man in denial, who had been having dreams for days and was trying not to think too hard about them.

It wasn't anything personal to the person he'd been dreaming about. He was just still horrible at re-treading certain aspects of his past, and those dreams had run rampant all over those.

So he'd gone to the park, and he'd brought his dog, who was now curled up and having a nap at his feet, while he sat on a park bench and... well... meditated. And if he was so intent on those meditations that he either failed to notice or care when the cold rain started to fall and the dog made his way under the bench in order to keep dry, well...

He was anxious, okay?

[OOC: Open park is open! In the rain.]

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"I'm pleased to find you actually meditating, but I did think I'd also taught you to get in out of the rain," Master Billaba said from behind him.

"You taught me plenty of things, Master," Kanan said, replying before his brain even really caught up to the situation. "But common sense isn't always my strongest feature."

...

Wait.

He opened his eyes. He was dreaming again. He had to be. Except that his senses were very much telling him otherwise. Not just the Force, but the sound of the rain around them. That feeling when there's a person behind you. The way the shadows shifted slightly.

Kanan's mouth fell open before he even turned around to look.

Depa waited a moment. Then smiled. Then raised an eyebrow at him. "What, no questions?"

"I-- you. How--?"

Congratulations, Depa. For once, your Padawan was speechless. You'd been shot, after all. You'd been shot a lot.

"The Force," Depa answered simply. "And this island, somehow." She stepped forward and reached to close his mouth with a finger to the chin. "When I had the chance to come back for a time, to see you, I had to take it."

She gave him a sad smile. "This isn't permanent, Padawan. I have two days with you like this."

That was her finger, real and tangible and warm against his chin, and Kanan felt a weird sort of knot of emotions balling up in him that he'd thought he had learned how to wall himself off from. Apparently not.

He opened his mouth again, this time to inhale, and then breathed out slowly, trying to balance himself.

"Two days," he echoed, because apparently acting like an echo was going to be the best he could manage, today. "Master, I..." He choked on that attempt to speak, too, and then tried to inhale again. When that failed, he gestured with one hand, as if waving it around was going to help him form more words.

Apparently, not.

"... It's raining."

Yes, she'd already mentioned that.

"Very good, padawan," Depa answered. "And what does one do when it's raining?"

"They end up getting wet," Kanan answered, smiling sheepishly. "Or, if they're sensible, I suppose they come in out of it."

Well done, Kanan. You'd figured that one out like a champ.

Depa smiled. "Well, as we're presently doing the first, do you think we might manage the second?"

"I... oh. Right."

Look, you try having your Master come back from the dead and come up behind you in the park, and see just how many cylinders you were firing on. He did at least manage to pull himself to his feet, and then by some miracle even remembered to crouch down to coax Stance from under the bench. The dog stretched, yawned, and then trotted out to give Depa's knees a good sniffing at while Kanan straightened himself up again.

"My apartment isn't far from here."

It had all the amenities! Walls! Floors! Squeaky things for the dog!

"Good." Depa knelt down to give the animal her hand. "Hello there; you are a bright thing, aren't you?" She smiled and sent him welcoming feelings. "And you have the sense to go for shelter, too."

Congratulations, Kanan - yet another thing you would never live down.

Just wait until you heard his name, Depa.

"Yeah, well, nobody said I have to keep company with animals that are just as ridiculous as I am," Kanan noted. As if having a rainbow spotted dog was somehow not ridiculous. "Besides, he's a good boy. And he knows that if he gets too muddy, it'll be a besh-aurek-thesh when we get home."

Because Stance couldn't spell yet. And apparently because Kanan was going to treat him like a youngling.

"And we can't have that, can we?" Depa rubbed the creature's ears, smiling. "What's his name? And what is he?"

"People keep telling me he's a dog," Kanan shared, because yes, he was going to put off admitting the name thing for as long as he was able. "I still don't really see it, but who am I to tell the people on Earth that they wouldn't know a dog if it bit them?"

Just look at the way Stance's tongue was lolling out and his tail was wagging happily, for example.

"And, uh, s'stance."

Little bit louder and less mumbly, Kanan?

"An odd-looking dog," Depa said. She raised an eyebrow at him. "It's what?"

Kanan cleared his throat and tried not to look like he'd been caught at something he wasn't supposed to be doing.

Like, say, blushing and looking embarrassed.

"Stance," he said, somewhat more coherently. "His name is Stance."

... He wasn't here too, was he? Kanan would never live that one down.

Depa grinned, delighted. "You do enjoy names as markers of honor, don't you, Kanan Jarrus?" Though nothing for her. She understood, but couldn't help being just a bit wistful about it.

Well, Kanan only had the one dog! Maybe dog number two would be a Depa! It could happen!

"Well, there's a lot of meaning in a name," Kanan pointed out. "I mean, I--"

He paused. Blinked. Gave Depa a kind of perplexed look.

"-- You already know about that, huh?"

Depa stood, folded her arms, and gave him a stern look. "If you truly believe you have been alone all this time, padawan, then I shall etch the code into a rock and fling it at you until you remember it properly."

Kanan's answer was mostly just a grimace as he held up his hands in a gesture of surrender.

"No, I didn't mean..." He would totally have a repetitive bludgeoning with a rock coming to him, at this point. "I mean..."

Seriously, when he was a stupid kid with no brain-to-mouth filter, at least making words had been much simpler.

"I'm sorry, Master. Death, yet the Force. Of course I remember."

He just hadn't been entirely sure how literally he could take that bit. One of the million questions he hadn't had a chance to get around to asking.

"Good." Depa folded her hands into her sleeves. "Now, come along; let's get out of this rain already."

Kanan nodded, and started walking back toward the apartment.

For the first time in years, his mind was spinning with so many questions, he didn't even know where to start.

Instead, he just settled on, "Thank you."

For so, so many things.

Depa gave him a tiny, sad smile. "No, padawan - I am sorry."

For so, so many things.

"Sorry?" Kanan's step almost faltered. His breath did, and it wasn't until he was looking at her with confused eyes that he remembered to breathe again. "Master... why? There's nothing you need to apologize for."

Kanan had cursed a lot of people over the past eight years, himself most of all. But Master Billaba? For her, he just reserved a hole in his heart, full of all of the heartache that Jedi weren't supposed to let themselves feel.

Depa reached out to put a hand on his face. "I should have done so much more for you. I should have been there for you."

If she'd taught him more, if she'd been faster, if she'd known better...if.

"You..." Kanan paused, then. Stopped to look at her. Damn it, there was rainwater in his eyes. That was what he was blinking away. "It wasn't your fault you weren't."

She had told him to run.

So he ran.

She had told him she'd be right behind him.

...

Couldn't be perfect all the time.

"We both knew how bad it was. You showed me what was happening. I'm alive thanks to you. Most of us can't say the same."

Depa chuckled. "And how often does that argument work with you, then? It wasn't your fault, either."

"It..." Kanan sighed, shaking his head. "That's different."

She had died a hero. He continued to live a coward. He still wasn't openly wearing his lightsaber. At least, not in any recognizable shape. With his Master around, he felt like he should be, but...

"Yes," Depa agreed. "I was a Master; you, for all your intelligence and promise, were a child. You did what you could, and you survived."

"You stayed behind and fought them so that I could get away," Kanan protested. "I froze. I was just a stupid Padawan and... you..."

Great. Now it wasn't that he didn't have words, it was that he had too many, and they all wanted to tumble out at once and he was choking on them like some child. So help him, he wasn't going to cry. He'd done so damn much of that already, he wasn't going to start with the waterworks now.

"I've missed you."

He could get those words out, at least.

"You were a very smart Padawan, and in the end, you did as you should," Depa corrected. "It was my responsibility to see that you survived. I'm not sorry for that; only sorry that I couldn't follow as I wanted."

She sighed and reached out to pull him into a hug. "I've missed you, too."

... Would Depa mind if Kanan clung a little hard for a few moments, there? Because he needed that hug. He didn't even realize how much he needed that hug until he was in the process of hugging, and then he was at a point where he couldn't quite deny that it wasn't the rainwater, and...

Anyway, he didn't have words, again. He just had clinging.

And crying. So help him, he was crying.

He wasn't the only one. Wasn't the rain a lovely cover for that?

"Oh, Kanan." Depa held him tightly. "It's so good to see you."

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The Park, Saturday Afternoon

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