Luke's, Thursday

[betterthanaplan]

"Right," Duke said as he entered the diner's kitchen. "I'm back. So there'd better not be any what the fuck is that?"

"It's a Tasmanian spider coconut crab," Ali said, warding the thing off with a broom. It was easily as tall as he was, and probably about twice as wide as it was tall, not including the legs.

"He ate Ted," Billy said, sniffling.

"Who is Ted?!"

"My papaya."

"I regret asking." Duke considered asking what it was doing here, but, well. Fandom. "Right, okay." He looked around, then grabbed a meat tenderizer and a butcher knife. "Greg, get the tartar sauce and Old Bay. I'll take care of the Ted eater."

Today's specials
CATCH OF THE DAY!
Maryland style crab cake sandwich with chive and honey mustard

Luke's was open. Hope you like crab.

[no OCD. The links -- that aren't recipes -- contain some VERY LARGE CRABS, click at your own risk]

Comments

[my_own_advocate]

The temptation to stay out on the mainland and keep drinking last night had been fierce, especially after dealing with Summer. The only reason Lucifer had returned to the Rouge was because-- well, just because.

For similarly mysterious reasons, he felt guilty enough about the almost-staying-out thing that. Well.

"Crabs, honestly," he said, breezing into the diner like it was something he did every day.

[betterthanaplan]

"Well, you know," Duke said. There was some sort of goop (crab goop) on his shirt and he was still holding the meat tenderizer. "Had to get vengeance for Ted."

[my_own_advocate]

"What kind of unholy East Coast massacre have I walked in on?" Lucifer wondered, eyeing him up.

In the 'what is that on your shirt' way.

[betterthanaplan]

"There was a giant crab in the kitchen," Duke said with a shrug. "We took care of it."

"He was amazing," Billy said, looking up at Duke all starry eyed.

Duke ignored him. "I'm a little worried it'd been there the whole time we were gone."

[my_own_advocate]

"What, like trying to emulate that horrific Mooby movie about that mouse in the kitchen?" Lucifer said. "That can't be up to code."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke snorted. “Nothing on this island is up to any code. You know, back in Haven, I actually had to pay a liquor licensing fee?”

[my_own_advocate]

"They only ever bring that up when they want to screw with you," Lucifer said, walking towards him. Threw an annoyed glance at the staff. "Someone get this man a towel."

[betterthanaplan]

"Pretty much, yeah. Judge got pissed that I successfully argued my way out of parking tickets. And, uh, then I got targeted by a vengeance trouble by the court reporter. It was fun."

It had not been in the least bit fun. Except for the part where he and Audrey had a great conversation in her apartment before the Lady Justice automaton attacked.

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer glared at Billy while Duke spoke. It was quite effective in getting him to scarper off and grab that towel, by the looks of it.

"A vengeance trouble," he echoed. "Someone muscling in on my old job?"

[betterthanaplan]

"Yeah, kinda," Duke said with a much too casual shrug. "She brought a representation of Lady Justice to life and send her after people she deemed criminals, eye-for-an-eye style. Fucked up my truck, trashed my bar, then beat the shit out of me after I got hit with a trumped up assault charge trying to save a drunk from her at the bar."

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer shoved the towel at Duke as soon as it was in his grasp.

"Well, that's just lovely," he said irritably, putting this woman on his mental shitlist on the spot. "There is such a thing as actual proportionality."

[betterthanaplan]

There was a question. Was Lynette dead and in Hell? Or was she suspended in a punishment of her own making in the courthouse mural?

Did the courthouse mural survive the meteors?

Duke took the towel and swiped idly at the crab goo on his shirt. "Yeah. . . . Haven's not really familiar with that concept."

[my_own_advocate]

"At least you survived, I suppose," Lucifer said. He still sounded irritated. "Please tell me someone at least threw this woman in jail."

[betterthanaplan]

"Ah," Duke said. "Something like that. Audrey pointed out she was being a judgmental bitch and the woman vengeanced herself into a painting."

[my_own_advocate]

"I suppose at least she didn't discriminate in her penchant for poetic justice," Lucifer said.

He was almost sad he had lost his first actual person to be mad at quite so quickly.

[betterthanaplan]

Don't worry, Luce, there'd be plenty more where Lynette came from!

Literally.

"Yeah. . . . I'm mostly just glad she didn't actually end up beheading me over the whole 'killing a guy' thing."

[my_own_advocate]

Oh good, because Lucifer had moved on to the 'wasting too much time contemplating retribution' stage of his coping mechanism.

Non-coping mechanism, really. People in Haven were lucky he couldn't actually physically show up in their shadowy living room armchairs right now.

"Excuse me?"

Though Duke was getting just a hint of planning-to-armchair-glower, here.

[betterthanaplan]

Duke blinked at that expression. He still wasn't entirely used to people caring quite that much what happened to him. (As he'd told Octavia, that was still a very recent thing in his personal timeline.)

"It, uh. Was kind of my own fault," he admitted. "Lynette didn't want to believe she was behind it all, so I taunted her with killing Nix to get her to summon Lady Justice and face the truth."

He reached up to rub the back of his neck. "If it helps, that was right around when I got my head out of my ass and actually went to talk to Claire properly again."

[my_own_advocate]

"Good," Lucifer said, reaching into his inner pocket for his flask. "The last thing we need is you running around taunting people to murder you."

[betterthanaplan]

"It's not a hobby I plan to take up," Duke assured him.

(The narrative laughed.)

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer eyed him for a moment longer (like a celestial who had most assuredly once yelled at a sniper to shoot him but was now selectively forgetting that incident), then relented.

"Either way," he said, "I figured I'd stop in and check on you."

He threw another look at Billy, who... may have taken a cautious step backwards. "You, get me some coffee and grab Duke's Bailey's from wherever he stashed it, will you?"

[betterthanaplan]

"Right. Well." Duke gestured to himself (he was still a bit goopy, though the towel had helped a bit). "As you can see, I'm just fine."

He'd angrily thrown axes and stared blankly at Octavia last night, but that was in the past. Clearly he was all better now!

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer looked at him like he had just said something utterly bizarre.

"Right, we're sitting down and having spiked coffee."

[betterthanaplan]

Duke gave a soft snort. "If you insist."

Like he was going to turn down spiked coffee.

Billy came back out with the coffee pot and Duke's bottle of Bailey's he kept hidden in his office, thrusting them both at Lucifer with a nervous look.

[my_own_advocate]

Lucifer took them and fixed Billy with a sharp look in return. "Scarper," he said.

And didn't bother to check if Billy did, in fact, scarper as he sat down and started pouring them coffee.