Our Lady of Fandom - Tuesday Morning

[flamesburned]

Liz knew that eventually the day of the anniversary would come.

This year made it more difficult with the fact that she was nearly four months pregnant, she was wishing that Prompto could be here with her and that she was also making up for last year. She had to deal with the anniversary of Pittsburgh and that Fandom had decided to throw in a few surprises for her as well with the emotional baggage and fire.

She waited nervously for Steven, even though she did handwavily often go into the Church on a fairly regular basis, she was nervous about going in today but she knew she needed this, she had been in custody last year and hadn’t been able to properly grieve the anniversary of the deaths of her parents and brother last year.

She took several deep breaths, trying to remain calm as she waited.

[Liz is waiting for Steven but the post is open, Liz and Steven’s conversation is NFB please!]

Comments

[hasaknightjob]

Marc was absolutely incapable of doing this. But it wasn't as bad for Steven. Reasons why it wasn't good, of course. The same reasons, actually. But Steven was fine for not thinking about them as he had been for months now.

Besides, this was about Liz.

Steven hadn't done anything like this before so he wasn't sure of the protocols. He figured he should dress respectfully, so he chose a dark grey suit and tie and a white shirt and hoped that would be all right. He also made sure to bring handkerchiefs with him in case Liz needed them.

Otherwise nothing to it but to go. He'd not been to the building before but he knew the nearby shops well enough that it was easy to find. Once he spotted Liz he walked up to her.

"Hey," he said. "Doing all right?"

She probably wasn't, but it was the polite thing to ask.

[flamesburned]

It was safe to say she’d be needing those handkerchiefs.

Liz managed a tired smile as Steven arrived, “Hey,” she said softly.

She was wearing one of her new maternity dresses that she had gotten while shopping the other day, it was a simple plain navy blue dress and she wearing her black ankle boots.

“Not really, no,” she admitted, “I’m just very tired,”

[hasaknightjob]

Any other time Steven would have commented on her outfit, maybe even teased her a little about the lack of leather. But obviously that was for another day.

"Still not sleeping?" he asked.

[flamesburned]

"I slept most of Saturday," Liz told him softly, “and Sunday night after the shopping trip, I ... I couldn't sleep at all last night," she admitted, "I just …I just kept thinking about how close the anniversary was and everything,”

She stared down at her hands, “I want it to be over and then I feel bad for thinking that,” she said quietly.

[hasaknightjob]

"Think it makes you human," Steven said. "It hurts. Understandable you'd not want to be in pain."

[flamesburned]

Liz closed her eyes, feeling the tears begin to build and she let out a sob.

That hadn’t taken long at all, “they’d be so ashamed of me,” she said softly, opening her eyes again and trying to blink back those tears.

[hasaknightjob]

"Here, it's all right," Steven said, meaning her showing how upset she was. He looked around. "Can we sit? No need tiring yourself more by standing, right?"

[flamesburned]

Liz nodded, taking a deep breath to calm herself down, “I … we can go inside?” she suggested quietly as she looked up at the Church.

[hasaknightjob]

"If you'd like?" Steven said. He didn't want her to feel like she needed to rush that if she wasn't ready. He was fine with it if she was though.

[flamesburned]

Liz could only nod, “its … I think I’m ready to go in,” she said softly.

[hasaknightjob]

"Right then." Steven moved ahead so he could hold the door for Liz, but otherwise followed her in since he'd never been before.

[flamesburned]

Liz made her way into the church, taking the time to cross herself with holy water and genuflecting before she took a seat in one of the pews, moving across so that Steven could join her.

[hasaknightjob]

Steven did neither of those things but he did move to sit beside her as she indicated.

"Do you know what you'd like to do?" he asked. He kept his voice low out of respect even though no one was near them.

[flamesburned]

“I …I’m not to sure,” Liz admitted, also keeping her voice low, “I …I don’t …I haven’t really thought about how I’d spend the time just …being here, it…it helps even if can be overwhelming ,” she said softly.

[hasaknightjob]

"Well," Steven said, in case she was looking for suggestions, "you could just be here. Nothing wrong with that. You could say a prayer. Read a favorite religious passage. Light a candle for each of them."

It wasn't limited to that, of course, but Steven figured it was a place to start to see if anything sounded helpful to Liz.

[flamesburned]

"I know in the past I've usually just sat and reflected on the memories that I have of them," Liz said quietly, as she folded her hands in her lap and stared down at them, "but I ... I do like the idea of lighting a candle for everyone,"

Even though she was a little unsure of being around fire at the moment, but lighting a few candles for her family did sound nice.

[hasaknightjob]

"Don't mind sitting here keeping you company for whatever you like," Steven said. "Even if it's you sat here being quiet. Long as you need."

He did look to see if there were candles around though. Sometimes religious buildings had areas for that specifically, whether with candles you lit with a match or electric ones that only needed a push of a button.

[flamesburned]

Liz nodded, "maybe, just sitting here for a while," she said softly, "at least to begin with, I ... I think doing that first will will help," she paused, "I ...thank you," she said softly, "for being here with me today,"

[hasaknightjob]

"Of course," Steven said. "It's important. Honoring the day. I understand."

[flamesburned]

Liz nodded quietly, "I ... it's ... I know my parents and I didn't have the best relationship growing up, especially towards the end there but I ... I still miss them, I miss my brother," she admitted, tears begin to form in her eyes and she started to blink them back.

[hasaknightjob]

"Hang on, I prepared for this." Steven patted his pockets down until he found the one he put the handkerchiefs in. He got one out, nearly pulling all of them out in the process, and held it out for her. "Here."

Which left what she said. Which he couldn't deny resonated with him. "It's - it's hard. I know. All the emotions feel right, don't they? Good and bad. And of course your brother. But it's not your fault. It's nothing you did on purpose."

[flamesburned]

Liz gratefully took the handkerchief, “thank you,” she said softly and began to wipe away those tears.

“I … it still feels like it was my fault,” she knew there would always be a part of her that blamed herself for the fire that happened, “I … I wonder what they would think now, if it never happened and I … they wouldn’t be happy that I’m pregnant,” she said softly biting her lip as she tried to stop the flow of tears.

[hasaknightjob]

"Well that's just rubbish, isn't it?" Steven said. He moved to put a comforting hand on Liz's shoulder if she was all right with it. "If they wouldn't be happy about your daughter that's their loss then. Not even here yet. She's nothing but potential for being wonderful. Like her mum."

[flamesburned]

Liz would welcome the comforting hand on her shoulder, she let out a sob at that, wiping away the fresh surge of tears that had started to form.

"I ... they wouldn't like it that I wasn't married, that I'd be having her out of wedlock," she said softly, "I ... I know it's not a sin," she bit her lip, "at least now I do ... but they would see it as being one," she admitted quietly.

[hasaknightjob]

"It's all right," Steven said, lightly rubbing her shoulder. "And still their loss, I say. Putting formality over people. And if their god thinks your lovely little girl is a sin then I don't care for him either."

Steven looked around at where they were. Not that he saw anything, but just in case he said to nothing in particular. "Sorry, but it's true."

Look, Steven of all people knew that just because you didn't see a god didn't necessarily mean one wasn't around.

[flamesburned]

Liz managed a small smile at that, calming down as Steven rubbed her shoulder, “I … my parents were really strict Catholics, it’s … it was hard to separate with what I grew up with and my faith now,” she said softly, “it’s … it took a long time to figure things out," she admitted.

[hasaknightjob]

"Can understand that," Steven said. "Especially when it still is your faith, right? Hard to separate out the bits you grew up with from the ones that mean something to you now."

Steven had his own issues there but he hadn't even begun to work on it, nor was he interested in trying anytime soon.

[flamesburned]

Liz nodded, "most of the time, it helps ... having my faith to draw on, even though I ... sometimes I'm not as devout as I'd like to be," she admitted, reaching a hand up to the crucifix that she wore around her neck, "I haven't been to church nearly as frequently since I discovered I was pregnant," she said softly.

It had taken her a bit longer to convince herself that she could still go to church, even while she was having an out of wedlock pregnancy.

[hasaknightjob]

"Well," Steven said, "I do have it on good authority that gods do show up in all sorts of places. Don't need to be in any particular building for them to find you. Hear you. Have a chat. If a chat's what you're wanting."

[flamesburned]

Liz did give a very tiny smile at that, "I ...I suppose they do," she nodded, biting her lip as she fell silent for a few moments, "it ... Professor Broom would take me to church on the anniversary, I - not last year but he always took me every year prior, I ... I did consider going back home but I - I wanted to be here in Fandom," she said softly, "with my friends here,"

[hasaknightjob]

"It's new life, isn't it?" Steven said, after giving it some thought. "Yours. Your daughter's. You honor the past, no doubt. Their memories. That you loved them. But you can't let yourself be stuck in the image they had of you forever. It wasn't a real anyway, how they saw you. Treated you. You're a good person. I think it's all right if you let yourself grow. Make changes where you remember them, yeah, but you don't let them keep you stuck."

Steven of course didn't have anybody else in his life who he also wished he could say those words to. Certainly nobody who looked a lot like him.

[flamesburned]

Liz nodded, “I … I don’t think I could ever go back to my old life,” she paused, “well, it wouldn’t be my old life now …” she placed a hand on her little bump, “I don’t know how being a BPRD Agent and a mother would go, I don’t think I could return to the field … I’m … I like it here in Fandom, with my friends ... my photography, even though I do wish Prompto could be here with me,” she said softly. "I really miss him,"

[hasaknightjob]

"Can't be easy, going through all this without him," Steven said. "The anniversaries, I mean. I know the rest of it's already been hard."

[flamesburned]

“I … I was hoping he’d be back by now,” Liz admitted softly, “I … I just miss him being here, it … this past week in particular, I … I was reminded a lot of his absence,”

The emotional baggage had not been helpful with that.

[hasaknightjob]

"Of course you do," Steven said. "I'm sure he wishes he was here as well. Bet he'd hate seeing you so unhappy."

[flamesburned]

Liz nodded, a few more tears rolling down her cheeks, “he’d be so worried,” she said softly, “I …I don’t …he’s got so many other things to worry about, I …he …” her voice trailed off as she tried to collect her thoughts.

[hasaknightjob]

Steven gently rubbed her shoulder. He kept an eye out in case she needed another handkerchief. "Loving someone means there's always space to worry about them, I find. It's the way hearts work, isn't it? Always big enough for what they need."