Saturday Night at TARDIS #10

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

She leaves Mr. Phale feeling better than she has since she left DC in regards to the thousand and one questions she has. The word he had used, ineffable, made her feel better. He always made her feel better. Her mind wasn't clouded by doubt or anger or uncertainty. She just...was.

She unlocked the door and stepped inside. Off came her shoes, down went her bag. She looked around for Ten with a smile on her face.

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[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

[He is sitting on the couch, face in his palms, elbows on his knees. There's a book beside him, open, but he isn't reading it.]

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

[Seeing him sitting there, like that, her smile fades and she hurries to him]

Ten? Ten, what's wrong?

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

[simply] I've had a long day.

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear. I'll make tea. Right now. [She goes into the kitchen to put the kettle on and comes back]

Do you want to talk?

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

Tea would be good. Yes.

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

It'll be hot in a minute. What happened? You've had long days before...

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

He happened. That's what happened. How could I--he--ever have thought this was a good idea?

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

I don't know. How is it a bad idea? Really? He's pleasant enough, and not out to cause trouble or anything. He's a lot like you...which stands to reason I guess. [She's very peaceful and pleasant]

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

No, just out to pass along as much blame from himself to me as he possibly can. If that's what I am, I swear to god...

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

He's not passing blame, Ten. All the secrets, all the lies, all the guilt...he's just a catalyst. I would have found out anyhow.

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

[He looks up at her, confused, hands dropping.] Wait, what? Did...did I lie to you?

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

You said Chip shouldn't know he'd died when you knew him. You told him anyway. [she shrugs] Not exactly a lie...but not what I expected you to ever do. I never said anything.

[She's still remarkably peaceful and there is no blame in her voice]

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

[Ten chews his lower lip and looks away.] He...I couldn't let it stay like that. I couldn't have him keep looking at me, looking right through me as if we hadn't been friends, compatriots. And part of that story is his death. I'd been avoiding him, CJ. I felt guilty about avoiding him because I didn't know how to deal with him. And then I dealt with him in a way I shouldn't have done, and I reasoned with myself by telling myself that it wasn't my Jack anyhow.

And he...the bloody Doctor...he called me on it. He has no right, he doesn't know what happened. It hasn't happened to him yet, it may not happen to him at all.

[He closes his eyes and rubs his temples.] I was wrong, and the consequences are mine alone.

Fuck time. Fuck all of it, the whole rutting mess.

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

So you give up?

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

No. No, I don't bloody give up. I'm merely stating my disgust and general disillusionment with all that is the spacetime continuum.

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

Oh, ok. Because if you want to quit, it's ok. We can settle down and just be normal and not worry about all this crap. Just...be. [She looks sort of dreamy] Wouldn't that be nice? To just be? Oh...there's the kettle.

[She hops up and goes to the kitchen]

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

[In that part of his mind that is perennially calm, Ten finds himself wondering what kind of tranquilisers she's on. Then he wonders where he can get some. Then he remembers that he is an Angry Not-So-Young Man. So he calls to her, trying to ignore the fact that he's losing his anger one minute at a time.] I don't want to quit! I mean, I already am taking some time off, just being here. But I mean, I'm still doing...things...

[His voice trails off and he starts to laugh.]

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

[She comes back in with two mugs of steaming tea. Hers with milk and sugar, his with lemon and less sugar than hers. She hands him the cup and sits next to him smiling]

Of course you are, Ten. I never said you weren't. And you don't have to quit, or go on...um...holiday or whatever. I'm just saying have faith that this will all work out. When given a choice, chances are you'll make the right one, no matter what. It's called ineffable.

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

[He looks at her, brows up. With the amount of time he'd been having that expression of late, might as well have them permanently there.] You were talking to Aziraphale, weren't you? He told me the same thing.

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

He did? Wow...what are the odds of that? I saw him by the pond as I was coming home. I was so upset, and he just talked to me, held my hand...and everything's better. He gave me a butterscotch too. It was wonderful. [She grins at him and sips her tea]

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

[He looks as if he's trying not to laugh.] Did he slip something into that butterscotch? Maybe something contagious? [For some reason, he's feeling a bit better.]

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

I doubt it. He's not that kind. We just talked. [She breathes in deeply] About faith...and doubt. And faith. Honestly, I feel better than i have in a long time. I should probably go give your brother a kick in the shins...to say thank you. [She smiles and laughs lowly as she sips agian]

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

I'm glad that he was able to help you. [He pauses.] My brother?

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

[She blinks rapidly, her smile shrinking a little. Then she shakes her head to clear the thought and smiles once again]

The Doctor and I reached an agreement that if it makes my brain hurt to think about him you and you him...then I should just think of him as your brother and tuck the worry away. So I am. Do you mind?

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

Er...I suppose that's fine. It is a complex issue. [He looks curiously at her.] What are you thinking?

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

[Smiling] I'm trying not to, Ten.

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

[He frowns.] Because of him?

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

[She closes her eyes, and her smile fades] Ten, please. No, ok? Not him, not you, not anything. I just want to be, ok?

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

[His lips purse, and his brow furrows] OK.

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

[She opens her eyes and looks into his. With a tone of exasperation, her peace gone, she says]

What?

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

[deadpan] The expression, I believe, is concern.

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

Dammit, Ten...and I was so happy when I got home. What do you want to know? Why I prefer denial?

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

Open communication, love. [He looks down for a moment, and then looks up at her through his hair.] I'm not asking that. I just...I keep combatting innate curiosity with wanting you to be happy.

I'm sorry.

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

I know, Ten. [She takes a deep breath and puts her cup to her mouth, but does't drink. She sits with her eyes closed, her lips twitchng against the rim. Finally she takes a sip, and then looks at him]

Ok, I think I can explain this.

Imagine you believed in God. You only had faith, no proof, but you were comfortable with that, and everyting was fine. And then one day you met and angel who told you that everything you believe is really really true. Do you think having reality intrude upon your blind faith would be a comfort? Or would cause you pain?

That's where I'm at Ten. I had faith your past was real and true...but to be confronted with it, with him...next door, in my classroom, touching me...it's just too much. I really like blind faith Ten. I like being certain I'm right without proof.

Does that make any sense at all?

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

[He listens carefully. Much to his chagrin, his second mental reaction was He touched you?! Mentally slapping himself, he gets over it and moves on.] It makes sense. I don't...blind faith isn't my modus operandi, love, and you know it. But I understand what you mean.

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

It's just hard, Ten. Everytime I think I have a handle on things, they change. Mr. Phale thinks I may be ready to handle all this, that's why it's all coming at me now. I don't know. I liked believing you without thinking about it. I never thought I'd have to hear about you...from another you.

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

...Do you know what you're going to do? [He breathes in, slowly.]

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

Well...[she collects her thoughts as she sips her tea]...I think I'm going to simply accept that this is all happening for a reason. That I'm supposed to learn something about myself. About you. About us. And then...[she looks into her cup, and then at him and she smiles]...I need more tea.

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

[He listens and nods.] Of course, life being a series of that sort of thing. [Then he stands up and reaches for her cup.] Let me get it for you?

[prof-cregg.livejournal.com]

Ten...I want you to make tea for me, always. And I'll do the same for you. All right? [Her eyes hold a softness as she looks at him, and she smiles shyly]

[ten-and-chips.livejournal.com]

[Reaching to take the teacup out of her hand, he pauses. He cocks his head, just a bit, and smiles back at her, touching her hand with one finger.] All right.