Mauvaise Chance Apartment Lobby, Saturday Evening

[landlord-quark.livejournal.com]

Quark was having a rather quiet day, and had been blissfully unaware of the various musical maladies that had been accursing the town.

Sadly, that was about to change. As in his boredom, he began to hum. And it wasn't long before he was singing to a non-existan audience.

"Welcome, M'sieur, Sit yourself down
And meet the best Innkeeper in town
As for the rest, All of 'em crooks
Rooking their guests And cooking the books.
Seldom do you see, Honest men like me
A gent of good intent, Who's content... to... be

Master of the house, Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake And an open palm
Tells a saucy tale, Makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favor
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house, Keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em Of a sou or two
Watering the wine Making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks When they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord, Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases, Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

Master of the house, Quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby To pass him by
Servant to the poor Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, And lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion, Everybody's chaperone

But lock up your valises
Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!

Enter M'sieur, Lay down your load
Unlace your boots And rest from the road
This weighs a ton, Travel's a curse
But here we strive To lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked, Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked Till I'm satisfied...

Food beyond compare, Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer And pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse, Liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages With this and that

Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges
Plus some little extras on the side!

Charge 'em for the lice, Extra for the mice
Two percent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice, There a little cut
Three percent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are a lot of tricks he knows
How it all increases
All those bits and pieces
Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

Master of the house, Quick to catch yer eye
Never wants a passerby To pass him by
Servant to the poor, Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher, And lifelong mate!
Everybody's boon companion
Gives 'em everything he's got

Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus! What a sorry little lot!"

But that isn't the whole tune... but strangely, the next verse isn't Quark's...

Comments

[doomydoomdoom.livejournal.com]

GIR came running in and leapt onto Quark.

I used to dreeeeeeeam
That I would meet a prince
But God Almighty,
Have you seen what's happened since?
`Master of the house?'
Isn't worth me spit!

GIR spat, despite having no glands.

`Comforter, philosopher'
- and lifelong shit!
Cunning little brain
Regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover
But there's not much theeeere
What a cruel trick of nature
Landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted
Living with this bastard in the house!

GIR hugged Quark. "I like you."

[landlord-quark.livejournal.com]

Quark felt compelled to continue singing, despite being completely weirded out now.

"Master of the house."

[doomydoomdoom.livejournal.com]

"Master and a half!"

[landlord-quark.livejournal.com]

"Comforter, philosopher-"

[doomydoomdoom.livejournal.com]

"-heeeeeeee, don't make me laugh!"

[landlord-quark.livejournal.com]

"Servant to the poor. Butler to the great."

[doomydoomdoom.livejournal.com]

"Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!"

[landlord-quark.livejournal.com]

"Everybody bless the landlord!
Everybody bless his spouse!

Everybody raise a glass!"

[doomydoomdoom.livejournal.com]

"Raise it up the master's..." GIR stopped. "Thingy."

[landlord-quark.livejournal.com]

"Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!"

Quark stops singing, and then stares at GIR.

"You will tell no one."

[doomydoomdoom.livejournal.com]

GIR's tongue stuck out and he looked up at Quark from where he'd dropped down onto the floor. "Ooooo-tay!"

Someone had been watching too many reruns of The Tiny Terrors.

[landlord-quark.livejournal.com]

Quark sat down and started laughing to himself.

This retirement thing really wasn't going right.

[aka-vala.livejournal.com]

((Ill, ill, ill in the bestest possible way ZOMG...!)))