fandomtownies | Pirate Radio: Wine, Wenches 'n Song [4-6 pm]

Current Music: Let's Get it On - Jack Black

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$pirate radio

Pirate Radio: Wine, Wenches 'n Song [4-6 pm]

Aye, the pirate's back.

Because the last episode had been such a success, Barbossa decided to switch the program to the more popular "evening drive time" slot.

Okay, he didn't like being up by noon.

He flipped the microphone on, thumped his boots onto the desk, and began speaking.

"Welcome back t' Wine, Wenches 'n Song, where I--I be Barbossa, o' course--be here t' play yer requests 'n dedications, provided they not be somethin' I don't like. I also be here t' help ye wit' any love-type advice. And now that I be comin' t' ye after the lovely Mizz Becky's most instructive-type class on sexual...things, I be more than willin' t' offer ye any kind o' help wit' yer homework.

"The phone lines be open. Bother me."

Barbossa flipped on "Let's Get it On" --the Barry Jive and the Uptown Five version, naturally-- and waited for the phones to ring.

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He'll play anything. Assuming he doensn't hate it, of course.

Dean called in and disguised his voice. "I'd like to request 'Stuck on You' to Alec from his pants."

Barbossa threw back his head and laughed. "O' course, matey who's voice I be not recognizin'."

He pushed the correct button. "This be 'Stuck On Ye,' going out t' Alec from his pants."

"So getting him back," Alec muttered darkly at the radio.

Zoe didn't bother disgusing her voice when she called. For someone with her background, this was taking a lot of inner courage.

"Can you play 'Help!' by The Beatles? I'd like to dedicate to Constable Fraser."

"O' course, ma'am," Barbossa said, locating the song. "This be 'Help' by one o' the greatest bands in the multiverse, The Beatles, goin' out t' Matey-wit'-the-Hat," he said, then pushed the button.

Fraser spends the duration of the song blushing and smiling like an absolute doofus.

The trooper called into the station, he was whispering so none of the other clones would be able to overhear him.

"Mister Pirate Sir, I'd like to request 'Sweet like chocolate' by Shanks & Bigfoot, please. I'd like to dedicate it to Mister Wonka."

"O' course," Barbossa said, rummaging around before finding the requested song. "This be 'Sweet Like Chocolate' by Shanks 'n Bigfoot, goin' out t' our favorite chocolatier, even if his candy turned me into a parrot once."

Wonka happened to turn on the radio just then and his gooey caramell center turned even more gooey. There might have been a small happy sigh from him. And then he went back to making a Very Special chocolate.

Go ahead. Ask him.

His lawyers would like you to know that the radio station is in no way liable for any bodily harm that might come to you from acting on said advice, though.

Bel calls in, his voice disguised and using the public camp phone in case of caller ID.

"I have unresolved sexual tension with someone I really shouldn't. It's just...wrong. Not to mention that I have a girlfriend that I am totally in love with...and, um, feelings for someone else entirely as well. What should I do?"

"Be this the person who's been havin' sex wit' entire teams o' people?" Barbossa asked. "Not that thar be anything wrong wit' that, o' course."

He paused. "I be a big fan o' rum t' make these sorts o' feelings go away. Avoidance be good, too. Hidin' in shrubbery, runnin' the other direction, that sort o' thing. It be not terribly manly, but it be stoppin' yer girlfriend from kickin' yer ass, if ye be worried about fidelity at all. If ye be not? I be sayin' go fer it, enjoy yerself, mayhaps invite yer girlfriend t' join in."

Phoebe hears this and wonders which of her friends' boyfriends she's going to have to kill.

"Teams? No!" ~~Bel~~ the anonymous caller protested. "But inviting my girlfriend to join in, that might have possibilities...I mean, thanks for the advice."

"If thar be kinky-type threesome action? Be payin' no attention t' any movin' shrubbery," Barbossa said. "Thanks fer yer question, caller."

Phoebe starts making list of her friends and their boyfriends and really wonders which of them she's going to have to kill.

Maybe Nadia would let her borrow her mallet for this...

She should probably warn Cole that she may be coming home one night soon with blood on her clothing.

Cole felt a strange sense of impending doom.

Of all the first phone calls ever to make, Joxer had to choose this. He wouldn't know to disguise his voice or anything, so it's obviously him.

"So, I have this friend, right? Now this friend, he's only recently been around girls that don't try to hit him, so he's not really experienced in the whole love thing yet. Now, there's one girl he really likes, but then there's like four others that he really likes too. And then there's a couple he's kind of scared of but they're really pretty, too. Now, I understand times have changed and you can't actually have more than one wife. So... how do I -- I mean how does my friend go about picking?"

"First rule o' Fandom, me friend. All girls hit, if properly motivated. Or, if ye be at the Sin, if ye pay them well enough. I be sayin' that ye--or yer friend, if ye be insistin' on that--be a mite overwhelmed at the choices. I be sayin' give it a little while t' discover what ye be lookin' fer in a wench. Ask 'em all out, if ye like, but not fer the same day unless ye be lookin' t' have an orgy and that sort o' thing normally needs t' be mentioned up front."

Barbossa smiled. "Be havin' some fun. But don't ask the Ninja out. She be goin' out wit' me."

"I'll tell my friend all of that," Joxer said. "Especially the part about the ninja." He gulped. "Thanks."

"Hey, pirate. I called in last week and you suggested that I give my girl...person flowers and weapons. I didn't go with the weapons, but the flowers worked like a charm. Thank you, pirate!"

"I be glad t' hear that it worked!" Barbossa said. "A date that be not endin' in bloodshed be a good date. Unless ye be into bloodshed, o' course, then, well, enjoy yerselves, I suppose."

Jamie called in disguising his voice.

"Um... What should you do if you have a crush on a girl but she's dating someone else?"

"I've always been a fan o' kidnappin' the wench, takin' her t' me pirate ship, 'n convincin' her that I be the better man. D'ye have a pirate ship?"

"Er. No. Is there another way to get around it without the actual kidnapping thing?"

"I suppose..." Barbossa sounded deeply skeptical. "Mayhaps talkin' t' her? Tellin' her what a lyin' scum her current boyfriend be? It be not havin' t' be true, o' course, but if the goal is t' get her t' like ye, all be fair, right?"

He twirled in his chair. "And if that be not workin', ye can borrow me pirate ship."

There's a bit of a pause before Jamie responds.

"You'd let me borrow your pirate ship?"

If Barbossa listens closely he might be able to hear the gears in Jamie's head whirring in thought.

"Perhaps..." Barbossa said. "But only as a last resort in yer courtship o' the strumpet."

"Thanks Mr. Pirate!"

There's the sound of fumbling on the line, as though someone may have dropped the phone once or twice. "Um. Hi. My friend asked me to call for him? For, um, love advice." There was some chuckling on the other end of the line.

"Ye be callin' the right place, then," Barbossa said. "Ye didn't reach the Lobster Hut or anythin'. How I can be assistin' ye?"

"Heh! Lobsters. . . ." There was some yelling in the background. "Right. So. My friend. He's got this girl, and she's just totally the wrong girl for him, right? She listens to different kinds of music and he's totally selling out, right? But he just doesn't see it yet. So, um, how do I get him to see it?"

"Meddlin' in a friend's lovelife? Tends t' get messy, matey," Barbossa said. "I be sayin' grin 'n bear it. Or set his girlfriend up wit' some other man, then make sure yer friend be walkin' in on them."

Barbossa grinned. "Then ye can take yer friend out fer a drink 'n tell him exactly how much ye hated the wench."

"Oh. Um, that sounds good." There was some snickering on the line. "I was thinking, like, having a fake funeral? But I don't know how to do it because last time I had to man the desk and everybody wanted to buy things and there were too many of them, so AJ came to help instead but before I could see how the funeral thing was done this kid Warren came in with a gun so we got distracted." There was a pause. "Wait, that was for something else. Nevermind. So. Um. Sneaky. Cool."

"That be workin', too," Barbossa said. "But if ye be usin' an actual body, please be rememberin' about proper disposal 'n all o' that."

"Real body. Disposal. Got it." There was a rattling sound as might accompany someone nodding vigorously while holding a phone to one's ear. "You're the best, weird pirate guy. Can you play 'Institutionalized' by Suicidal Tendencies? For Marc. With a C. From Mark. With a K."

"That be not a problem at all," Barbossa said, reaching for the song. "This be 'Institutionalized' by Suicidal Tendencies going out from Marc who be spellin' his name one way from a Mark who be spellin' it t' other. Enjoy."

He pushed the button.

Paige totally recognises her voice on the radio and smiles dreamily to herself.

Cordelia calls, and she may have been dipping in to the tequila that Logan left for her.

"Hi! So, um, I have this problem where every boy I meet pretty much just uses me for sex and moves on to some new prize. What's with that? It's not like I'm not smart and funny and interesting and stuff. I know I'm hot, but it kinda sucks, you know. I could at least be getting regular action, dammit!"

"Did ye try takin' out an advertisement? Somethin' about bein' willin' and free? I be gettin' quite a lot o' desperate soundin' mateys who be needin' an education."

Want to talk to the pirate in person? Bitch about a radio personality?

Come on in.

He won't care, but he's willing to listen.

I can't imagine why we'd need this, but just in case...

*is dying again this week*

*is dead of stormtrooper*

*loves Pirate Radio OMG*

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Pirate Radio: Wine, Wenches 'n Song [4-6 pm]

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