fandomtownies | Aereopagitica: Wednesday [11/22]

It was after lunch when he finally left Sam, and Jack headed down to the bookstore, intent on finding very silly books for her to read as she started to feel better.

He'd made a quick stop at the Perk for a Christmas Coffee - apparently it was cinnammon flavoured - which came in a cheery red and white cup, which he placed on the counter in front of Lana with a smile. "Christmas cheer? You look like you could use some."

[ooc: and I'm just heading to work, so I'll be AFK for about an hour.]

Lana looked a little startled to see him, and maybe a tad embarrassed. "Jack, hi. Thanks. Um... how are you?"

"Other than Sam being sick, I'm excellent. But then I usually am." He grinned and nudged the cup closer to her before leaning on the counter. "And you?"

She took the cup and played with it a little. "Oh... fine..."

She was pretty much totally unconvincing.

"Uh huh, of course you are." Jack tapped the back of her hand. "Want to tell me, or do you want me to not ask?"

She looked at him. "You're just going to tell me that you told me so."

"I won't, I promise," he said, smiling reassuringly. He might think it, but he wouldn't say it. "Seriously, Lana. There really isn't anything you can't tell me. And I'm not going to tell anyone else."

She looked down at the floor, fingers still toying with the cup of coffee. "Jim's gone."

Jack sighed. "I'm sorry, Lana," he said. "Gone left? Gone disappeared?"

"His dad made him go. He hoped he'd be back in two weeks, but it's been more than that now." Lana's fingers abruptly left the coffee cup.

"I've tried, I've really tried, Jack." She looked up at him as if begging for him to believe her. "Tried so hard to make myself believe he'd be back. But no one ever has and..."

She shook her head. "I shouldn't let myself care."

Jack ran a hand through his hair, giving the matter some thought before replying. "No, you should care. Just don't let it eat you up. I know you liked him, but," he hesitated, because the leaving thing kind of hit home, "but he'll be back if he can, and if he can't at least you know it wasn't by choice. He'd have stayed if he could have." Smiling gently, he added, "Sometimes these things are out of our control."

"None of them leave because they want to, Jack. They die, they're forced to leave..." She couldn't even look at him. "But they leave and they don't come back and I just don't think I can do it any more."

She turned away. "I didn't want you to see me like this. It's why I've been avoiding you."

Jack scrubbed a hand over his face, trying not to sigh again, because this was way outside what he knew how to deal with. But there was one thing he'd found was generally effective. "You don't have to avoid me," he told her as he walked around the desk. "Seriously. Not that I can really help, but I can do this," and he stepped in front of her and held out his arms, offering her a hug.

Her arms were tightly wrapped around herself. "I'll cry," she warned him. "Or maybe lose it and start throwing things. I just... I don't understand why my life works like this. Am I so bad that I deserve this? Did I do something terrible in a past life?"

She looked up at him. "I want to hug you, but I'm afraid. I really like you and I don't want you to go away or disappear too."

"Well, I am extremely likeable," he teased lightly, neither moving away nor dropping his arms. "But I'm also waterproof. I'm not going to melt if you cry on me. Or disappear. I may advocate throwing things, though. It's extremely therapeutic."

Very carefully, she went into his arms. "You'll go away and it will be all my fault and Sam and Cedric will kill me. Well, Cedric will turn me into something and then Sam will kill me." She tried to say it lightly, but she was half serious.

Jack hugged her carefully, gently stroking her back while he considered what to say. "Lana, you need to calm down and think for a minute, okay?" Without waiting for a response, he continued, keeping his voice gentle. "Bad things happen - to me, to you, to everyone - and there's not a damn thing we can do to stop it. And that includes people going away. But even if you were a bad person, it wouldn't be because of you." He pulled back so he could meet her eyes. "The universe just doesn't care that much about anyone. Not me, not you, not anyone. I'm sorry Jim's gone, and I'm sorry you've had such a crappy time of it, but it's isn't your fault. And trying to take the weight of it on your shoulders is going to kill you."

Lana could feel the tears coming, no matter how much she tried to fight them. She looked away. "Sometimes..."

She shook her head. "It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. It's just the way my life is, I guess. I just hate being so stupid. Every time I tell myself not to get involved, but I do and I think maybe this time will be different, but it never is."

She brought a hand up to wipe her eyes. "Even you told me that I shouldn't, that I should just enjoy the moment and not get attached, but I'm too stupid to listen."

"If you're too stupid, then so am I." Jack hugged her tighter. "Seeing as I failed to follow my own advice spectacularly." He couldn't help a small smile at the thought but it quickly faded. "I can't tell you what to do, and I'm not going to try, but Lana, you can't just give up. Life is fun, most of the time. You've got to keep going forward, leap into it, and yeah, sometimes it's going to dump you on your ass, but it's the chance you have to take. It's what makes it worth it when it doesn't."

"I don't know if I can," she said through her tears. "I don't know if I'm strong enough. I wish I could just sleep with someone and not care or just enjoy the moment and walk away, but I don't know how."

"Well, you don't have to decide today," he said gently. "Just try and relax and enjoy being Lana for awhile, instead of Lana and.... And trust me. You are strong enough, you just," and he pulled away and smiled at her, running his thumb under her each eye to wipe away the tears, "have to have a bit of faith in yourself."

"Faith in myself," Lana said. "In a universe that doesn't care. Seems a bit ironic."

Part of her wished she could just lean in and kiss him, let him distract her for a while. She knew he'd be good enough to make her forget. But the rest of her knew he'd just gently pull away and look at her with compassion and that would kill her.

Instead, she stepped back, folding her arms around herself again. "I don't know how great it is to be Lana. But I don't have a whole lot of choice."

"The universe may not, but other people do." Jack stepped away, watching her closely. His attempt to cheer her up had failed, but he wasn't done quite yet. "And you can be anyone you want, Lana. Making yourself into someone else is surprisingly easy," a quick smile came and went, "but I'd prefer if you didn't. I kinda like you the way you are."

"I know there are people who care," Lana said quietly. "But I don't have anyone who's mine. I'm not anyone's special person. And I know it's selfish of me and I know lots of people don't have one, but I want one and I don't know how not to want one."

She was still holding herself tightly. "And thank you, but I don't know why you'd like me even now that you know I'm not that fun person you met, that I'm just a mess."

"It'd be pretty low of me stop liking you just because you're a bit of a mess right now." Not that there wasn't a time he'd have done exactly that. "And yeah, that is selfish, but everyone's selfish, at least a little. But if you can't be happy with what you have, with the people who care about you for you, even if they care about other people as well, you're never going to stop being a mess."

"I know," Lana said, twisting her hands together. "And I'm trying, I swear I am. I've really tried not to shove all of my stuff on people. Today is just... really bad."

"We all have bad days. You know that it's allowed, right?" Jack asked with a small smile, starting to feel the slightest bit frustrated, because he really wasn't good at this, but something wouldn't let him just bow out. He grasped her hands, stopping them from twisting, and just held them. "You don't have to be happy-fun-times Lana all the time. No one's going to think any less of you because you're sad."

Lana let him keep her hands, taking some comfort from their warmth at a time when she felt so cold inside. "I... I try not to... back home they'd just look at me and I knew they were seeing me as that three year old girl watching her parents die and I hated it."

She bit her lip, then took a step in closer and rested her head on his chest. "I'm sorry. You're being so good to me and you're helping, really you are. I just... I want him to come back. I want him to be the one who's different, who'll prove that sometimes people come back, and I know that I just have to let go and be okay with being alone again."

"I'll be okay, really I will."

Jack put his arms around her with something like relief, holding her, because this he could do, this he was good at. "Yeah, but you're not back home, you're here, and the old rules don't apply. And you don't know that he won't come back. I haven't got a family, at least not a traditional one, but two weeks might not be very long to deal with whatever he's got to deal with. So don't write him off, but don't pin all your happiness on him coming back, either."

Lana nodded against his chest. "I know. It's one of the reasons I left, but sometimes it's hard to remember that I don't have to be that perfect Lana. And I'm trying. Trying not to give up, and also not to expect, but God, it hurts."

Jack didn't know what to say, so he opted for shutting up and rubbing soothing circles on her back.

Lana could feel the tears leaking out of her eyes and she just held on to Jack until she could get herself back under control. After a few moments, Lana wiped her eyes and pulled away a little, managing a shaky smile. "Thanks," she said. "I guess I needed that."

"But I'm sure you didn't come out here just to have me cry all over you. So to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?"

"It's okay." Jack smiled and squeezed her shoulder, then moved away to lean on the counter. "Actually, I came looking for books for Sam. Something silly, maybe with wild adventures or pirates. Think you'd have anything that might fit the bill?"

Lana wiped at her face and nodded. "I think there are some very funny romance novel-y books that she'd get a kick out of." She led him over to the section and pointed them out.

Jack rested one hand one her shoulder while he considered them. "Oh, these are perfect. I think," he reached for three with garish covers, flipping one over to read the back of it, "yup, perfect." He grinned. "Though it may end up getting thrown at my head."

Lana managed another smile for him. "They're good throwing books," she agreed.

"And Sam's a good shot." Jack grinned and squeezed her shoulder. "Come on, you can sell me these. And hopefully I won't end up wearing any of them."

Lana brought him back to the counter and rang him up. She handed him the bag and smiled at him again. "Thanks, Jack. For everything. You shouldn't be so nice to me though," she said. "You'll make me want to brave all the paperwork."

Jack took the bag, and snagged her hand before she could pull it away. "You really shouldn't thank me," he told her, exerting a gentle pressure to draw her out from behind the counter and into another hug. "It's not necessary. And in any other circumstances, I'd say paperwork be damned."

Lana let herself be pulled into her arms. She rested her head on his chest "I just so appreciate your being here for me, even though I know I was terrible."

Jack hugged her, then lifted her chin. "You weren't terrible, and you will be okay," he said firmly, then tapped her nose. "Now you say it - I wasn't terrible, and I will be okay."

"I wasn't terrible and I will be okay," Lana said softly. And found herself wishing again that he wasn't already attached.

"Good girl." He smiled down at her as he stepped back, gathering up his parcel. "Now just keep telling yourself that. Because it's true. Okay?"

"I'll try," she said, equally softly. "Thank you again. And tell Sam I hope she's feeling better soon."

"I will." Jack paused on the way out of the bookstore, turning and raising his hand in a little salute. "You take care of yourself, and you know where to find me if you need me," he told her, before heading out the door.

Lana watched him go with a small smile, then picked up the coffee he'd brought her and sipped it carefully, feeling a little more hopeful than she had before.

Aereopagitica: Wednesday [11/22]

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