Dear Deadpool, Monday

[mouthy-merc.livejournal.com]

DEAR DEADPOOL,

I really, really need your help! See, there's this guy? He's incredible. I mean, he's sweet, he's fun, and he's soooooo good in bed! Okay, I was a little upset when I found out he had other girlfriends -- and a few boyfriends, too! -- but we totally worked that out when he said we could all have sex. He just likes to share! Hey, some guys never share, you know!??

He also likes to share all his drugs, and some of them are really interesting although a few of them made me sick but he said if I really loved him I'd try them all. And I do! I love him more than anything!!! I told him if he left me I'd kill myself and he just laughed and said "good" and gave me more tequila. Isn't that sweet!???

ANYWAY SO my problem is that I have this mentor guy? Who is really awesome but sooooooo overprotective. He keeps saying that if J "Dude" ever tries anything, he's gonna kill him!!!!!!! My mentor De "Steadcool" is great but how do I get him to lay off already???? It makes me so sad to think that "Dude" might be dead (and then we couldn't have kinky sex any more!!!)

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!
-Agent Orange

Dear Agent Orange,

You know, this reeeeaaally isn't helping with the need to murd-- chat with certain other Canadians. Though I do like the Steadcool bit. I think I'm going to use that from now on when traveling incognito.

Steadcool.

Oh yeah, totally going to use that.


Dear Deadpool,

So say a guy - just a regular guy - is trying to get a woman to like him. Doesn't matter why, might be because he likes her, might be for nefarious purposes, not important. Not important. But the woman has half the town's male population over 21 hanging all over her.

Help a guy out here. What's the best way to get rid of the competition without drawing any attention or arrest warrants?

[Insert Witty Name Here]

Dear Insert Witty Name Here,

Aly? Is it Aly? Oh! Or Emma? Or maybe that hot new owner of the hotel? Wait a minute... It better not be Bea or so help me Witty Name Here, I will hunt you down. There will be no nefarious purposes with her that I don't have a hand in!

That sounded bad, didn't it?

You read nothing. Dang it, I need to learn to do that handwavey thing in text form. And in person, but that's a completely different matter.

I suggest a nice date or two. Maybe to the gun range. Or to pick up strippers. Always worked well with me. And flowers! And nothing says love quite like a nice Uzi with their name on it.

Dear Deadpool,

I hear that girls really like a guy who can juggle. I have trouble juggling. Do you know of any techniques or exercises a guy like me could use to learn how to juggle to impress the girls?

No Hand-Eye-Coordination in Nebraska

Dear No Hand-Eye-Coordination in Nebraska,

'Juggling', huh? See now, I've never had any trouble with 'juggling'. Never. Not once. I am a 'juggling' god.

Might I suggest the highly educational film Debbie Joins the Carnival for assitence? If that doesn't help, pick up one of those lovely Cosmo-esc magazines and learn how to please your man. Or woman. Or human shaped being of the moment. Just don't tell me any of the gory details, I had enough of that the one time I though my minion was dating a goat. Eesh.


Dear Deadpool,

Someone ate the last of the chips in the fourth floor common room again, can I get a refund?

Dear No Name McHungry,

No.

[[ooc: Any new questions please to be sending them here!]]

Comments

[the_merriest]

Rikku facepalmed. He wasn't supposed to actually print that one ...



(OOC: HEE.)