Dear Deadpool, Wednesday

[mouthy-merc.livejournal.com]

Dear Deadpool,

My boyfriend put a tattoo on my other boyfriend. Should I be jealous that my boyfriend (the tattoo-er, not the tattoo-ee) didn't put a tattoo on me? Or should I just be grateful that I'm not the one running around now with a big flashing "I WAS MARKED BY THE DEVIL ASK ME HOW" sign hanging over my head?

Signed,

No Tattoos On Me

Dear No Tattoos On Me,

First of all, I am against tattooing of any kind as I am Jewish or at least pretend to be on occasion and it goes against my religion. Unless it's a tattoo of me, then it's all cool. But devils, flowers, those delightfully slutty lower back tattoos, and anything of the fairy variety should just not be done.

It's tacky is what it is.

My advice? Find your other boyfriend a nice tattoo removal place.

Dear FledDrool,

I found a much better picture. You'll find it enclosed.

I hope it tides you over when it's just you, Keith Richards, and the cockroaches.

Signed,
She loved me more.

Dear Dickweed,

Why thank you for the photo! It will go in the collection.

As to your other comments? Maybe some day you'll get past that restraining order. Someday.

Dear Deadpool,

Recent events have suggested that a certain pirate on this island believes that you are guilty of stealing his intellectual property and stealing his "schitck" by offering advice through your column. Rumor has it that if a compensation for such piracy is not made, then the only solution would be war. How do you respond to these alleged on-goings, and what do you plan to do about it? What advice would you have for the millions of fans outraged by these accusations?

Much love and ice cream,
--Concerned Fandom Citizen

Dear Concerned Fandom Citizen,

I AM QUITE UPSET ABOUT IT. SO UPSET, EVEN, I CAN ONLY WRITE IN CAPSLOCK.

Oh. No, I accidently hit the button, my bad.

I say to this 'pirate' if that indeed is what he really is and not just some guy who likes rum and parrots a lot, BRING IT ON.

That capslock had been on purpose.

Maybe the kids just happen to think my advice is better. And hipper. And fresher. And other slang for such things-er. It's not my fault he's old and out of touch with the kids these days.

Dear Deadpool,

Okay. So. Judging by what I've read so far, I'm not entirely sure this is the best place to go for advice, but I'm feeling pretty desperate. Okay, so, see, there's this girl. And I kinda love her. Okay, no, I really love her, and I was supposed to tell her that before I left for this place. By 1;37 exactly, as a matter of fact. But I didn't, because I suck. Big time. Like, get a hundred Hoovers in a black hole, and they still won't suck as much as me, man.

But, you know, maybe it was, like...one of those...destiny things? Where you think one thing, and you think you should do it, but you don't end up actually doing it because, while you thought it was what was supposed to be done, it really wasn't, and, in the long run, you're better off not have done it because maybe you don't really love her as much as you thought you did because now that you are away from her things seem....different? You know? Like...I mean, there's a lot of...really awesome girls here and I like some of them. If I really loved Cor...err, we'll call her Char...errr, no, um, we'll call her David. So, could I really have loved David if I'm sitting here liking other girls? Or is that just natural because I'm male and hormones and she's not here and she isn't really very accessable in the first place. She deserves a lot better than me. She's going to Harvard and everything.

Anyway, so...would...dating some of the girls here be totally going back on saying I love her? Would it totally ruin my chances if I went back and told her and then she'd be all, "Yeah right, who knows what you caught in your little year fling at some private school. I never want to see you again, loser." Because that would be really lame, because what if I do love her and then I just totally screwed up my chances to be with my one true love, just because I got restless?

Also, if you kissed a guy and you liked it, that doesn't make you gay, right? Because it only happened once. Or twice. Or....something. Right?

Um, yeah.
Thanks?
--Jersey Boy in Jeopardy.

Dear Jersey Boy in Jeopardy,

Kid, now this is coming from me so it has some weight behind it, go get some therapy.

First of all, of course you're looking at other people. You still have your naughty bits, right? I'm marri-- living with someone and I still look around at the hot chicks. Do I ever get to do anything? No. Because Ara-- my roommate would stab me a lot and that wouldn't be nice.

Second! You didn't tell this chick, right? That means you have a free pass for all the nookie you want as there is no relationship outside your crazy little head. It's unhealthy is what it is.

Third! NUMBERED ANSWERS.

Fourth... No, of course not. Kissing guys just makes you very comfortable with your heterosexuality. As does having sex with them.