Dear Deadpool, Wednesday

[mouthy-merc.livejournal.com]

Dear Deadpool,

Hello! I am tired tonight. I am nice girl that would like to chat with you. Email me at fakeaddress@notarealaddress.com only, because I am writing not from my personal email. You will see some of my private pics.

Spamming in St Louis

Dear Spamming in St Louis,

I am both shocked and disappointed that you would think I'm that type of guy! You could at least buy me a drink or two. I do like those giant things that they make over at Caritas. You know, the ones that make your head go all funny and have enough alcohol to put an entire college frat into a alcohol poisoning coma?

I need to go and get one soon...

Anyway! Back to your letter, I am flattered at the offer, but it can never be. I hate Spam. It's why I'll never go to Hawaii.

Dear Deadpool,

I have recently accepted a position at a school, and everything is simply disastrous. The teachers are disobedient, the students are disgusting, and everyone hates my adorable kitten plates. The nerve of some people!!

I've been getting angrier and angrier at these people. But the truth is, all I really want is for someone to wrap their arms around me and whisper sweet nothings into my ear. "Oh, my darling, of course pink doesn't make you look like a toad. Kiss me again, you psychotic crazy woman, you."

I've tried paying for it, but most professionals just throw the money back in my face. I think I might go mad soon if I don't get a good [CENSORED FOR YOUR SANITY]. Or possibly three.

I'm not fussy. I'll settle for anything with a pulse. Do you know where a single girl of modest means can get a man, woman, gremlin, or horse for a few hours of [PLEASE MAKE IT STOP]?

Sincerely,
The Lonely Headmaster

Dear The Lonely Headmaster,

There aren't words for just how much I want to retch now. It's like that time I went to go see the Crying Game and then realized they didn't give me the soda I wanted and had to leave the theatre to go to the concession stand in order to kick ass and chew gum, but had given my last piece of gum to some kid so he'd stop kicking the back of my seat and then got distracted by those hotdogs they sell at the movies and wondering if my healing factor could keep up with the amount of spoiled meat and bacteria found there.

Turns out, no.

That was a lot of food poisoning and it was bad. But this? This is just wrong on so many levels.

Unless you enjoy death threats... You saucy little minx! Check with Hades, he seems like your type. Trust me on this, you were made for each other.

Dear Deadpool,

How do you ask a boy you like, if he likes boykissy and might like boykissy with you? Does glitter have to be involved and if so, multi-colored glitter or gold or silver?

Dear Glitter Curious,

Which is like being bi-curious without that naughty label. I suggest lots of alcohol and manly repressing of any feelings that might be taken as something other than friendship.

Not that I have any experience in these matters, mind you. Just... you know. Guessing.

[[Any questions or pleas for advice from Deadpool, please to be going here]]