Stark Industries, Monday

[endsthegame]

The weekend had been both alien and familiar, and spending time with Ben's family had been interesting. Ender was happy to find everyone's relatives out of town by Monday, though. It gave him time to get back to dedicating himself to real work, pouring through research notes and making his own additions.

They were making some strides.

[[ open. ]]

Comments

[endsthegame]

"Take a step back," he said, "Think about what happened, not about what you think you should feel about that."

[momslilassassin]

"Be more like you and less like me," Ben said. There was no judgment in his tone. He closed his eyes. "I don't know which way is easier," he said. "I thought it would be easier to remember what he used to be like, but seeing him younger just reminded me of the stupid things he did later."

[endsthegame]

"I don't think there's an easier way," Ender said, wryly. "Just whatever seems sensible. It won't undo the actual events that happened."

[momslilassassin]

"You start with the photos of the Formics and walk it back, right?" Ben asked.

[endsthegame]

"One of many places I start with," he said. "Every picture is another piece. Bad or good."

[momslilassassin]

"Have you found many good pieces?" Ben replied.

[endsthegame]

"Does it matter?" Ender asked, eying him. "In the end, we should have about as many pieces that are bad as ones that are good.'

[momslilassassin]

"'Should' doesn't mean it balances that way every time," Ben said, "but I wondered if you'd gotten to anything positive."

Awww, look at Ben trying to shift the subject away from him.

[endsthegame]

"Of course I have," Ender said, evenly, "but we're not talking about me. Or the Formics."

[momslilassassin]

"Why not?" Ben asked. "It's much more interesting."

[endsthegame]

"Because we were talking about Jacen. And your irrepressable urge to punch versions of him in the face."

[momslilassassin]

Ben curled his arms more tightly around his stomach. "It's better than punching George?" he tried. "They just share the same face."

[endsthegame]

"It's not really the same."

[momslilassassin]

"Yeah," Ben said, "and I got an earful from Dad about anger and the dark side and productive outlets for grief." He shrugged. "But punching him felt good anyway."

[endsthegame]

"And I have no doubt that it did," he said, wryly, "It's just not going to speed up understanding what happened. Much as I'd hate to rethread your father."

[momslilassassin]

"Can't have two people telling me the same thing," Ben said with a tiny smile. "I just didn't really want to deal with this at all."

[endsthegame]

"Hiding in a little corner of your mind isn't going to help you resolve it," Ender said, quietly. "Although I know it's in your nature."

[momslilassassin]

"I investigated Mom's death," he said just as softly. "I'm not sure I can gear up for another autopsy."

[endsthegame]

"You're going to have to make up the balance eventually," he said, "Put everything into perspective. Autopsy isn't really the right word, anyway. You're not thinking about Jacen's corpse."

[momslilassassin]

"Just the mess he left behind," Ben replied.

[endsthegame]

"Just Jacen," he corrected. "Calling it a mess is judgement again."

One day in the near future, Ender was going to wind up writing down his much-hated brother's life story. He was maybe a touch of a masochist.

[momslilassassin]

Ben closed his eyes and took a deep breath, held it, and let it out again. "Will I have to talk to Jaina about him?"

Probably, Ben.

[endsthegame]

"Eventually." He took a sip of his coffee. "But start with what you know. Just don't let that get in the way."

[momslilassassin]

"You don't really want to hear all of this, do you?" Ben asked quietly.

[endsthegame]

"Every word," he said, steadily. "Your way of thinking means you need someone to smack you over the head from time to time."