fandomtownies | Fixer-Uppers, Monday

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Fixer-Uppers, Monday

Back on Fandom, back to work, even if it was a holiday week. Ender didn't precisely mind, after all, though he was still taking it slow on the physical labour score. Instead, he was seated at the front with his laptop, typing away. Plenty of emails from colonists to go through, among other things...

...And maybe putting in a few searches for the mysterious 'Jane' software. He couldn't help it; he was still curious as to how she-- it-- had managed to pick up so much information about him.

It got him nowhere, though, and he finally gave up.

Which was of course exactly when she found him.

"Good evening, Andrew," she said. "Oops. It's morning, isn't it? So hard to keep track of local time in, all these universes."

"What are you doing here?" Ender asked her. "I tried to find you, but I didn't know the name of the software."

"Did you? This is just a preprogrammed follow-up visit, in case you changed your mind. If you want I can uninstall myself from your computer, or I can do a partial or full install, depending on what you want."

"How much does an installation cost?"

"You can afford me," said Jane. "I'm cheap and you're rich."

Ender wasn't sure he liked the style of this simulated personality. He had enough bratty people in his life. "All I want is a simple answer. How much does it cost to install you?"

"I gave you the answer," said Jane. "I'm an ongoing installation. The fee is contingent on your financial status and how much I accomplish for you. If you install me just to help with taxes, you are charged one-tenth of one percent of the amount I save for you."

"What if I tell you to pay more than what you think the minimum payment should be."

"Then I save less for you, and I cost less. No hidden charges. No best-case fakery. You're still a year outside of the official tax-paying age, but a year is so short, isn't it? There's so much money here that you'll spend your whole life managing it, unless you turn it over to me."

"That's the part I don't care for," Ender said, with a loud sigh. "Who is you?"

"Me. Jane. The software installed on your computer. Oh, I see, you're worried about whether I'm linked to some central database that will know too much about your finances! No, my installation on your computer will not cause any information about you to go to any other location. There'll be no room full of software engineers trying to figure out ways to get their hands on your fortune. Instead, you'll have the equivalent of a fulltime stockbroker, tax attorney, and investment analyst handling your money for you. Ask for an accounting at any time and it will be in front of you, instantaneously. Whatever you want to purchase, just let me know and I'll find you the best price at a convenient location, pay for it, and have it delivered wherever you want. If you do a full installation, including the scheduler and research assistant, I can be your constant companion. I can keep anyone on this island from hacking into your files, too, in case you're worried anyone's going to dig up your great big dirty secrets. I can probably even come up with a good squirrel repellant for you, if you'd like me to devote myself to the task."

Lovely. Because what Ender really needed in his life was a fussy, bratty computer program that would follow him around long after all the fussy, bratty people had left his life. "No thanks," he said.

"Why? Is my voice too chirpy for you?" Jane said. Then, in a lower register, she continued: "I can change my voice to whatever comfort level you prefer." Her head suddenly changed to that of a man. In a baritone voice with just the slightest hint of effeminacy, he said, "Or I can be a man, with varying degrees of manliness, depending on your preferences." The face changed again, to more rugged features, and the voice was downright beery. "This is the bear hunter version, in case you have doubts about your manhood and need to overcompensate."

Ender stared at his computer for a few seconds, and then he cracked up. Who the hell had programmed this thing? Was it some kind of joke engineered by his roommate? Whatever it was, she seemed really sophisticated. Almost close to an actual artificial intelligence, although that was obviously impossible.

Unless Ben really had tampered with his computer. If so, though, he figured he'd hear about it soon.

"I want a daily tally of how much I'm paying for your services," Ender said, finally. "So I can get rid of you if you get too expensive."

"Just remember, no tipping," said the man.

"Go back to the first one," he said, rubbing at his forehead. "Jane."

The woman's head reappeared. "You don't want the sexy voice?"

"I'll tell you if I ever get that lonely," Ender replied, drily.

"What if I get lonely? Did you ever think about that?"

"No, I don't want any flirty banter, even if it's all the vogue on this island," said Ender. "I'm assuming you can switch that off."

"It's already gone," she said.

It crossed Ender's mind that by the sounds of it, this software was way too powerful. Nothing that could do all these things could possibly be legal. "Who made you?" he asked.

"Suspicious, eh?" asked Jane. "Well, you made me."

"I'd remember," said Ender dryly.

"When I installed myself the first time, I did my normal analysis. But it's part of my program to be self-modifying. I saw what you needed, and programmed myself to be able to do it."

"No self-modifying program is that good."

"Till now."

"I would have heard of you."

"I don't want to be heard of. If everybody could buy me, I couldn't do half of what I do. My different installations would cancel each other out. One version of me desperate to know a piece of information that another version of me is desperate to conceal. Ineffective."

"So how many people have a version of you installed?"

"In the exact configuration you are purchasing, Mr. Wiggin, you're the only one."

"How can I possibly trust you?"

"Give me time."

Ender took a deep breath, then snorted. This was by far and away the most ridiculous thing he'd ever done. He was half-expecting someone to leap out of the workshop behind him and go 'fooled you!', or to get a message asking him what he thought about the latest practical joke. But nothing happened.

"Just one more question," he said, finally. "When I told you to go away, you didn't, did you? You came back because you detected my search on Jane."

"You told me to shut myself down," the girl on the screen told him, cheerfully. "I did that. You didn't tell me to uninstall myself, or to stay shut down."

"Did they program brattiness into you?"

"That's a trait I developed for myself," she said. "Do you like it?"

"If I didn't like brattiness," Ender said, amused despite himself, "At this school, I think I'd have killed myself already."

The girl on the screen beamed at him. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves," she said, "And let's figure out how to pay for all those clothes you've been putting off ordering."

By that point, Ender wasn't even surprised anymore.

[[ post is open! Character spoilers for Speaker for the Dead/Xenocide/Children of the Mind under the cut, most of it lifted verbatim from the First Meetings in the Enderverse short story Investment Counselor. Details of Ender's conversation with his computer nfb, but fine to state he was voice chatting. *takes a deep breath* ]]

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Speaking of bratty, there was a Karla trying to get ahold of Ender today.

Ring! Ring!

Ender's attention broke away from the laptop at last, as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the name.

He flipped it open. "Karla, hey."

"Merry Christmas!" Karla called over the phone, undaunted that Christmas had ended two days ago. Hey, Winsol lasted thirteen days, it was hardly her fault that Christmas was sadly abbreviated. "And a belated happy birthday, too! I'm sorry I didn't call sooner--I forgot my phone in Fandom when we went to Louisiana."

"It's fine," Ender promised her. "It was January 1st by the time I left Eros, so as far as time goes, you could feasibly congratulate me three weeks from now and I'd accept it all the same. You're in Louisiana?"

"Not anymore," Karla said. "In a lay-over at Portolocity. I'm going to London to visit Jack Priest for a few days. Are you on the island, then? Awww, if I'd known you were back, I would have stopped by your room. I had a few hours between when the portal dropped me off from Sookie's and when I had to catch the one to London."

She'd spent most of that time dropping off her Christmas gifts dirty clothes and repacking for Jack's, but had she known Ender was around, she would have taken the time to visit and at least say hi. And drop off presents.

"I got back yesterday," he said. "It's... quiet here, at the moment. I'm starting to be convinced Tahiri and I are the only people left on the island."

Which wasn't awkward. At all.

Now Karla felt doubly guilty for not dropping by. The awkward...yeah, she could see it. Not to mention just how lonely it sounded.

"Are you getting a lot of work done, then?" Karla asked, trying to find the bright side. "Without a lot of distractions from your pesky roommate and equally- pesky-if-far-more-charming witch from down the hall?" Banter, yes, but her voice was sympathetic. "How was your trip home?"

"Busy," Ender said, because answering that was rather easier than the former, which he was finding rather more tied up in missing certain distractions than he'd originally anticipated. And Jane, who he'd feel silly about mentioning if she really was just one of Ben's pranks. "I managed to sit down with a few of the colonists, and we've made some headway on the colony vessels. It's also encouraging to know the IF bigwigs are as self-involved as ever."

Lonely, Ender was used to, though it chafed in places it hadn't a few years ago.

Edited 2010-12-27 20:05 (UTC)

"Aristos are aristos no matter what," Karla snorted, cheerfully ignoring the fact that she was one of those. "If you figure out how to get them to look beyond their own self-importance, you'll pass that onto me, right?"

Karla would love him forever if he did. Buy him a pony and everything!

"What are the colonists like? And what kind of headway on your boa--err, vessels?" Not boats, right. "I don't suppose I could ever visit your colony, could I?" she asked, a trifle wistfully. "That's something else we don't really have in Kaeleer."

Everything that could be colonized had been, by countless generations before Karla's birth.

Ender was briefly distracted as Jane advised him to buy a CD through the text interface she'd switched to the moment Ender picked up the phone. He was starting to wonder if the program was just trawling through his previous Amazon purchases to get a bead on him.

"I'll make sure you find out if they do, though I don't judge it likely, at least in Chamrajnagar's case," he shared. "The colonists are mostly terrified. They're trading in their entire lives for a shot at something new. I can't blame them."

There was a brief pause.

"And I don't know, yet."

Which was at least some headway from the 'no' he would have given her a year ago.

That was a better answer than Karla was expecting, honestly. "I can't imagine what it must be like for them," she said quietly. "I don't think I could just up and leave Kaeleer, no matter how bad things got in Glacia. Not forever."

Coming to Fandom had been hard enough, for all that she loved it now. But part of that love was knowing this was a pleasant interlude before she went back home. A vacation. Almost a sense of unreality; Fandom was a dream that couldn't last.

Kind of like Jareth's masquerade, though she shied away from pursuing that thought any further. "That takes an incredible kind of bravery. One usually born from a desperation I can't fathom."

But she bet Ender could.

"They want something better," Ender said, quietly. "Life on Earth hasn't exactly been stellar for a long time, now, and the recent wars haven't improved that. They want security, they want a place for their children to grow up, and for many of them, home just isn't an option anymore. Sometimes it's better to run away than to root yourself down in ruined ground."

"I understand that--intellectually," Karla said. "And I'm not judging them for it. It makes sense and is what I'd want for my own people, I think, if it ever got that bad. A place of safety and freedom and new beginnings. I'm just too...tethered, I think. If we had something like this in Kaeleer, I'd send a different Queen along with them, rather than go myself. But that's a me thing, not something I think everyone should do."

And it wasn't necessarily a good thing, either. She was aware of that.

"And don't forget your physiological differences." Ender's voice was gentle. "You're a Blood Queen; you're tethered to the land by default, and I can't see that being something that's easy to transplant past a certain age. You know what's yours - it's quite literally grafted in your heart."

Ender was lucky they were having this conversation over the phone. Otherwise, he probably would have gotten pounced and hugged before Karla could stop herself.

"It might be different if I hadn't been raised to think of Glacia as mine," she said. "Or if I hadn't had to fight so damn hard for it. Won't have to fight. Whatever. Something. But you're right. The land could be ashes and I wouldn't leave. Because then it would be my responsibility to Heal it if I could. But I couldn't ask the others to stay."

"I don't think you ever would," he said, "But you're a devoted Queen. You'll draw enough people to you to make it work, no questions asked."

He didn't make it sound like praise, just plain expectation. Like he was sure that'd happen, and he was almost surprised she didn't, too.

Well, Karla had plenty of her own issues to battle. Hers just weren't as spectacular as some of her friends.

"Thank you," she said, hoping she didn't sound as nakedly grateful as she felt. "Do you think the colonists will find what they're looking for?"

Will you?

Bean had once spent rather a lot of time pontificating on Ender's ability to raise people's hopes, and all the ramifications of how he'd gotten to have it to begin with.

Ender wasn't Bean, and so he didn't think about it too much. "They're looking for a home," he said, quietly. "If I can't make that happen for them, I'll have failed in my mission. But people are very adaptable, and can put their roots down anywhere, given enough time."

Not him, though. He barely had any idea what home even meant, beyond that he wanted it.

Edited 2010-12-27 22:06 (UTC)

Karla was tempted--very tempted--to ask how he could make a home for others but not himself, but swallowed that question back. He was Ender, of course. Fulfilling the needs of others by sacrificing his own was kind of what he did.

"Did you have any ideas about how to make that happen?" she asked instead. "I know there's no one thing that can make this new world a home for everyone, but there are things that will help, surely. I'd be happy to help you think of some, if you'd like."

She couldn't guarantee her input would be useful, but she was willing to help.

"I'd like to talk to you about that," Ender agreed, "Face-to-face, when you get back. I've been sitting down with some of them, talking about what they're hoping for, what they're expecting. We're going to have to integrate them with the IF servicemen that are already there, but those won't be much of a problem. I've been talking to their governor for a while now, trying to ease the transition."

Ender thought she could be helpful. Karla was just going to ignore the stares of others while she did a little dance in her uncomfortable chair, right in the middle of a Portalocity waiting room.

"I'd like to go over those notes with you, yes," she said, striving to at least sound like she wasn't chair-dancing. "Though just knowing that the people in charge cared enough to take a few minutes with them and listen...well, that should help a bit, I think. Especially if they've only been dealing with self-absorbed aristos."

...Yeah, someone really should write back to Bean about exactly how that hope-and-dedication-inducing talent of Ender's worked.

"That's what I'm hoping. I've asked Admiral Chamrajnagar to set up an email account the colonists can use to contact me with," he said, "It's not as valuable as face-to-face contact, but it might give them a shot at getting to know me a little better before I'm put in charge of them."

Karla was dibbsing not it. For many reasons, many of which involved the phrase, 'Ew. Bean.'

"Know you a little better?" It was almost physically impossible for Karla to let that comment slide. But she kept her voice gentle, not derisive as she said it. "Know what a little more of what you want them to know of you, perhaps."

"I think, in this case," Ender said, "The difference doesn't really matter, does it? It's not really about me."

"It could be," Karla said quietly. "You don't always have to stand apart to be a leader."

"You don't have to," Ender said, with a sigh, "But you usually do -- especially when everyone else is terrified."

Karla sighed, but let it go. "How long will they have been on Shakespeare before you join them?" she asked. "Between the time before graduation and your world's time difference?"

"They won't have been anywhere near it yet," he said, "They're leaving at the same time I am. It's the people currently on Shakespeare that'll have been there for a long time, by then - at least about fifty years, give or take."

"What are they doing for the next few years, then?" Karla asked. "They're just living on Eros for the time being?"

From what she could recall of his memories, Eros wasn't exactly a place anyone would want to call home for very long.

"And those others--fifty years?! Darkness, I didn't think the time change between Fandom and your world was that drastic!"

"They're about one-sixth of the colonists," he said. "The drastic cases. They've been assigned temporary housing."

A beat.

"Spaceflight doesn't work the same way in my universe as it does in Ben's. Ben's actually kind of flaunts the laws of physics," Ender added. "At the speeds spacecraft need to achieve to get anywhere, time goes a little... funny. It's a fifty-year trip to Shakespeare, but for anyone travelling at that speed, it'll only be two years."

Karla was giving her phone a very confused look, actually pulling it away from her ear to glare at it as if she could force it to make sense of what Ender said.

It didn't.

"I don't understand what you're talking about," Karla said, dubious.

Ender rubbed at his forehead. "It's what we call the Theory of Relativity," he said, after a moment. "Time isn't an absolute construct. It's not the same everywhere. It's faster in some places, and slower in others, depending on how fast an object is moving. It's... complicated. The general idea is that the closer you get to light speed, the slower time becomes for you - while it goes on at the old speed for everyone else. Time and space work a lot more closely together than you'd think. They can bend."

Edited 2010-12-28 21:35 (UTC)

Karla was just staring at her phone again. "I have no idea what you just said," she told him firmly. "I don't think those were real words."

Well, they were, but he just strung them together all wrong.

"I think that I'm going to ask you about it when I get back to the island," she decided. "Where there can be diagrams and graphs and people to translate."

"That's probably a good idea," Ender said, after a moment. "The important thing is that getting there would be two years for me, and fifty years for everyone on the outside. Forget about the physics for a moment; just see it as the effects of a particular kind of Craft, if that helps."

Except Craft wasn't crazy. That was an important distinction.

"I'll be back sometime Wednesday," Karla said. "Not sure when. Do you mind if I come pester you sometime on Thursday? We could look over those files while you try to explain your Relative Theory and I can give you the presents that I know I didn't have to get you but did anyway so nyah."

"My doors will be open on Thursday," he promised her, "And hopefully Ben'll be back, too-- he'll be happy to see you."

Hopefully for her! Honest!

Suuuuuuuuure.

Karla was grinning now, but didn't tease. That was a sign of love, Ender. Of love. "Only him? Ender I'm so crushed."

"And I'll be happy to see you, too," Ender amended, because he didn't in fact have trouble showing sentiments like that. Unlike a good chunk of his gender in his age group. "You'll have to tell me what you've been up to."

"Behaving myself and certainly not getting into any trouble," Karla said immediately. And convincingly. "Though people in Sookie's church aren't very good at taking constructive criticism."

There was a brief pause.

"Don't tell me," he said, "You tried to lecture the priests? Or did you touch something...?"

Edited 2010-12-29 21:32 (UTC)

"The angel looked like he molested a feather duster!" Karla protested. "And I couldn't help but notice their Mary and two of the Wise Males had used the manger for not either of its intended purposes a little while before the nativity started. Sookie was very clear--you're not supposed to do that in church! And they never once mentioned Santa!"

"Santa actually has more to do with commerce than Jesus," Ender said, though he sounded a little amused. "Jesus is the focal point of the Christian religion; Santa is an excuse for gift-giving." He tapped a finger against his chin in thought.

"But the Wise Males brought gifts," Karla pointed out. "And there's the song where the shepherd asks the king to give him silver and gold. There's lots of gifting!"

"Yes, there's lots of gifting." Ender's amusement faded a little; she wasn't from this culture, and she didn't know any better. "But Santa is an invention of the 20th century. He's not a part of the Jesus story."

Which was close to what Dolf had said, about Santa being an invention of Coca-Cola. But--but-- "How could Santa be an invention?" Karla asked in a little voice. "Is he a robot, like my droid?"

Santa!

He had to work very hard not to laugh, now, but he managed. "No," Ender said, "He's just a story."

"He is not!" Karla protested. "He left me presents and everything!"

Which had been something of a miracle, considering her church adventure on Christmas Eve.

"They took Santa to court and proved it." Because that had been a documentary, really!

... Ender rubbed at his forehead. "I think that was a Christmas movie, Karla."

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Fixer-Uppers, Monday

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