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The Perk, Monday Midday, 1/31

This whole seeing-Raven-back-from-the-dead, and meeting her for coffee, thing was weird. No -- Tara needed a word that went beyond weird. Bizarre? Miraculous? Unbelievable?

Something along those lines might work, anyhow. It wasn't that Tara was unhappy Raven was back; far from it. It was just ... complicated. Complicated by her own feelings of guilt, and a little anger, and her issues with demons in general.

Trying to focus on how amazing it was Raven had come back at all and not on the questions swirling around her head about it, Tara clutched at her hazelnut mocha as a familiar lifeline while she watched out the window for Dolf and Raven.

Death might be unpredictable. Coffee remained the same.

[OOC: For those named in narrative, pls.]

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Raven had definitely been keeping to her room for the most part, still very uncertain about what she should be doing now that she'd returned. But she was eager (and nervous) to see Tara and apologize for what had happened, as if words would be enough. And Dolf as well, of course, though he hadn't gone through what Tara and the others had because of her.

She teleported to the street outside the Perk, paused for a moment to try to collect herself, then stepped inside, hoping her apprehension didn't show too much on her face.

And there was Dolf, only a few steps ahead of her - he'd just noticed the general area of Tara's head pointed at the door. This had the general effect of him not noticing Raven, either. He gave Tara a little wave. "Hey. Am I late?"

Tara mutely pointed to Raven, probably looking just as apprehensive. "Hi. Uh. Actually? R-right on time."

To Raven, she added. "Hey. It's good to see you." Which sounded stupid as soon as it came out of her mouth.

"It is good to see you both again as well," Raven said, giving them a nervous smile.

Her eyes came to rest on Tara, and the smile faded into a look of guilt and regret. "And...I am sorry."

Dolf's head practically whipped around as he tried to get a look at Raven over his shoulder, and his eyes widened a little. Someone who'd been dead turning out not to be was a gift - he felt slightly ashamed for the part of him that really didn't want to know how or why, either.

"Welcome back," he said, subconsciously stepping a little out of the way so he wouldn't be in the middle of Raven's line of sight where it came to Tara.

Tara shook her head at Raven, almost as if she didn't see Dolf at all. "D-don't worry about it. You ... didn't do any of it on purpose."

A beat, then -- as if she dreaded the answer -- she added, "Right?"

"No!" Raven exclaimed, stung by the question. She should've expected such a question from someone at some point, but not from Tara. "I would never -- never! -- have done such things to any of you of my own free will," she said, shaking her head.

"It's okay," Dolf said, warily. He took a few steps so he could find a seat at Tara's table, getting fully well that his job was to be the calm one right now. Even if he just wanted to fire questions at Raven for an hour or so. "We know."

"I know," Tara echoed. "I just -- I'm having a hard time with what she used me to do. I know I shouldn't blame you."

She was trying not to. Hard.

Raven hadn't sat down yet; she was still too tense to do so. "What she used you to do?" she repeated. "You mean -- Azar?"

She hadn't been able to hurt Tara when her father's power had controlled her, though she'd sensed a familiar power around her. And Azar's power had definitely been guiding her when her spirit was released from the ring. She'd known her goddess had been with her then, but she didn't know the full extent of her involvement.

"Ik had van te voren warme chocolademelk moeten bestellen," Dolf muttered under his breath. It would at least have given him something to do with his hands. After arguing back and forth inside his brain about it for a few seconds, he blurted, "Who's Azar?"

*I should have ordered a hot chocolate before this started.

"A goddess," Tara said, a bit unsteadily. her eyes stayed on Raven. "She ... kind of took over my body and made it do some pretty awful things. She didn't even, I dunno, say hi or something."

"Azar is my goddess," Raven confirmed to Dolf. "Hundreds of years ago, she -- her grandmother, actually -- created Azarath, my home." Her home, her pile of rubble now. "Her power was reborn in her daughter, and then her granddaughter, who taught me until she passed into the next life, when I was thirteen years old."

She chewed at her lip, not understanding Tara's anger. She didn't quite consider using her friends to kill her awful, at least not yet. "What did she do? She believes in peace and goodness. She would not wish to cause you harm."

Dolf was trying his hardest not to show his skepticism on his face, but even after his experiences, the influences of his childhood really couldn't be fought off. Magic he could see was one thing, but gods and goddesses being reborn just sounded like superstition to him. The dangerous kind, if someone got a hold of it.

Which was exactly why he didn't say anything, but looked to Tara instead, because if he did say something he might wind up offending one or both of them needlessly.

"It's not really peaceful to just shove somebody's free will aside and use her body," Tara said. "The fact she had a good goal doesn't make it okay, any more than what your dad did to you was okay. We probably wouldn't have been able to -- end things the way we did, if she hadn't been directing me."

She squinted at Raven. "You knew her? Like, for real?"

She was incredulous. You prayed to gods and goddesses so your spells would work, you didn't take classes from them.

"I did," Raven said quietly, holding on to the back of a chair because her legs were starting to feel wobbly. She knew now Azar must've had a plan for her if she fell to her father's power, but she didn't know the extent of it. "She taught me how to separate my soul from my body and many other things. I loved...." No, she hadn't loved her, she hadn't been allowed to love or to even mourn her when she died. "I respected her," she said instead.

"I do not understand," she went on. She still didn't grasp the extent of Azar's manipulation -- not guidance. "I know she was with you. She helped you stop me. She freed the others from my control. But you are angry?"

Poor Dolf.

"I don't think she likes not being asked to choose," Dolf interjected. He couldn't help it - he was sitting on his own opinions so hard, but restraining his mouth was an effort at the best of times.

And all of this was strange, and a little upsetting, really, and he could identify with Tara a lot more than Raven right now. It made him protective.

"I am," Tara said, slowly. She could see Raven's point of view, too. "And -- I mean, I didn't like not being asked. Nobody did. They had to kill you to stop you. it was hard on everybody."

She scowled at her mocha as if it was going to answer the questions. "I wish I could figure out why she picked me. I talked to Karla, after. Karla would have let her in."

"That was unfortunately necessary," Raven murmured. She finally had to sit down; her head was spinning dizzily. "I am sorry, I did not know...she did not ask you? She merely controlled you?"

Just like Trigon.

[Hitting post helps, self. Duh.]

Some of the defiance slipped back out of Dolf's expression and he sat back in his chair, wondering if it would help if he took someone's hand or said something else. They had never really covered 'controlled by demons and gods' in his time in the past, and he still wasn't sure how much of this to take as metaphor anyway.

His eyes flickered to Tara. He'd take his cue from her.

Tara shook her head. "It felt all peaceful? I knew everything would work out. I think she made me feel that way. But it wasn't me, any more than you were you."

Sadly, it was all absolutely literal.

"I am sorry," Raven whispered, still reeling from the knowledge. "I had no idea she would do anything like that. Nor why she would choose you. She must have felt something special about you, some affinity to her."

But that it had been Tara of all people who had been used that way made her feel ashamed. She didn't deserve to have her hands bloodied in such a way.

"Peaceful's not bad, though, is it?" Dolf said, in some desperate attempt to just help. He didn't know what exactly had happened. "You all came home safe after, too."

Apparently 'taking his cue from Tara' had calmed him a little bit. Or maybe 'you all came home safe' was just a novel new thing.

Tara frowned at Dolf. "Kind of," she said hesitantly. "I mean, Raven didn't, at first." And then there were all kinds of fun internal scars on the rest of them.

She turned to Raven and added the question that had been most on her mind from the start. "Do you know how it happened? The c-coming back part."

Raven flinched. "Not in a good way," she said softly, hating to admit that. So much blood and death. "It was not my choice. I was brought back by one who worshiped my father and sought to gain Trigon's power through me, by marrying me and creating a child." And opening the gates of hell along the way.

"But she's-- you're back now," Dolf amended, because it wasn't nice to talk about her like she wasn't there. "Isn't that a win no matter what?"

"Well, yeah, just ..." Tara didn't know the just. It made her tired. "I guess we should focus on the good part. Like, you didn't actually have to get married, right?"

She was ignoring the disturbing forced baby part for now.

"And ... we're all here."

"The ceremony was completed," Raven said reluctantly. "But I did not consent, nor was it consummated, and Sookie says she knows a good lawyer if I have need of one." Not that the marriage was registered anywhere. But still, some sort of official annulment would be a relief.

"But we are all here, yes, and I thank Az--." She caught herself. "I am so thankful for it. I do not know what I can do to make up for the harm I caused my friends, or the distress I caused those who mourned me, but I will do anything I can."

"Be alive and try to be happy?" Dolf attempted, leaning forward a little bit. Of course, he was the only one in the room who hadn't gone through anything traumatising with regards to Raven, but...

...

He still had trouble with the 'raised from the dead' thing. He was just trying to get past it.

"I think the right price for being dead is being alive every day now, right?"

He'd hit Raven with those questions about all the stuff that didn't make sense later.

Tara smiled slightly in his direction. She hadn't thought about it that way, but it made sense. "Be happy," she agreed. "Live. It has to have all happened for a reason, right? Even the parts we don't understand."

Dolf was lucky Raven hadn't gone into detail about her resurrection. If she told him about the blood and sacrifices, he'd probably have even more trouble with the idea.

"I will try," Raven said, nodding. "It is indeed wondrous to be returned to Fandom. The time that passed for me was much longer than for you, and it feels almost unreal to be back, but I am happy." Mostly. Except for the guilt over what she -- and Azar -- had done.

"Then maybe what is more important is what you want to do next?" he tried. "...Though how much time passed for you, then? It's been two weeks."

Yes, thanks, Dolf, she probably knew that.

That was a good question. "I've heard time can be different in hell dimensions," she said, delicately as she could. "Were you --?"

She couldn't' finish the question.

"I think it was...it was close to two years," Raven said. "I could not judge the passage of time, but I know Sebastian said it had been two years since my father was destroyed."

She tilted her head toward Tara. "It was not a hell dimension," she said gently. "It was peaceful. There was no pain. Just...nothing."

"So Heaven or somewhere else," Dolf said, feeling a little nauseous despite himself. He had believed very strongly that that wasn't real, and now he really didn't know what to think any more. "And then you time travelled."

He was trying to keep this in terms of things that made sense to him.

That was about how Tara would have put it, in the simplest possible terms, so she half-nodded. If there were hell dimensions, it stood to reason there were heaven dimensions too... you just heard less about those. Maybe because people didn't leave.

"Did you want to come back?" she asked. "It sounds kind of ... nice."

"I did not wish to be dead in the first place," Raven said with a tiny shrug. "I accepted it, but it was not my choice." Thank you, Trigon, thank you, Azar.

She folded her hands in her lap, looking down. "Nor was coming back. That was Sebastian's doing. But while I do not like how it was done, it is good to be back."

"Well, we like you being back better too," Dolf said, decisively. "Even if everything has been really weird about this."

Hey, points for honesty.

Tara's nod was stronger on this. "We're really glad you're back," she agreed. "But, um. Do you think you'd tell people if -- if somehow you knew Trigon was back? I mean, god forbid, but..."

Raven hadn't stayed dead. Why should her father?

Fresh waves of guilt rolled off her. She'd been such a frightened fool, thinking she would be strong enough to resist her father on her own, and that she was protecting her friends by hiding how serious her struggles were.

"I have learned -- the hard way, as they say -- that in attempting to protect those I care for, I only endangered them more," she said haltingly. "I did not conceal how severe the problem was becoming out of any malice. I do not sense my father's power anywhere, but if I ever should, if he should somehow, Azar forbid, come back, I will not hide it. I swear I will tell people so they can be prepared."

She had the first stirrings of an idea to prepare for such a thing, but it would require a little research and a trip to the Magic Box for supplies. Hopefully Tara would be willing to aid her.

How would anyone prepare to fight a god, if it was real?! Dolf wanted to demand, but that didn't sound useful at all. He put his elbows on the table and let his chin sink down on his hands.

"That will be good," he said, vaguely.

"It will be," Tara agreed. She still looked apprehensive, but the anger she'd felt before the meeting had been diffused. "And we'll do anything we can. Really."

"Thank you," Raven said quietly. "Though of course I hope it will never come to that. I do not wish the sacrifice of my home -- or the suffering of those I love -- to have been in vain."

She glanced at Dolf, sensing he was holding something back. "I will answer any other questions you have," she said gently. "Please, do not be afraid to ask me. Now, or any other time."

"You talk about these people like they're real gods," Dolf said, after a moment. "It is a little strange to me, but I don't want to upset you either." She'd asked for honesty, he'd... give her nice honesty. At least he wasn't lapsing into any lectures?

"They are," Tara said -- she wasn't trying to shame Dolf, it was a matter of fact. "There are a lot of gods. Some of them are just more famous than others."

She was Wiccan. She'd believe in anybody who believed in her.

"Azar was revered as a goddess on Azarath," Raven said. "She was not human; I am not certain where she came from, but her power was great. And my father...he is worshiped on Earth, often in the guise of Satan. He is not the true devil of Earth's legends, though he has enjoyed to comparison."

Which was how her mother had fallen in with them, getting involved with a Satanic cult as a way of teenage rebellion. If she'd only known.

Dolf shook his head once. "People do too many stupid things in the name of gods," he muttered. "I don't know if I want to believe it. Powerful creatures pretending to be gods, that makes more sense." Somehow it did. "Not that I don't understand if you want to believe."

"i don't know if it makes a difference," Tara said thoughtfully, taking a sip of her now-cool mocha. "If you have the power, and you want to call yourself a god ... it's kind of hard for humans to stop you."

"How would you define a god?" Raven asked. "It does not take much more than worshipers and power, does it?" And maybe not even power, since some gods were very peaceful.

Like she'd once thought Azar was.

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The Perk, Monday Midday, 1/31

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