fandomtownies | Everything But The Monkey, Wednesday Evening

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Everything But The Monkey, Wednesday Evening

Two teenage billionaires and a turkey walked into a pet store...

Sadly, that wasn't a joke.

Since someone was now in charge of a teacher turned fowl, who better to ask for advice on the care than Warren? That made perfect sense, right? Right? Okay, someone just needed to smack Tony for being special on this one.

"...and then he turned into a bird," Tony said. "I'd say that was the strangest thing to happen to me so far, but that wouldn't be true."

[[For that guy with wings]]

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Warren gave his head a disbelieving little shake.

"So, this is Mr. Rogers." He looked at the turkey. And then looked back at Tony, as if he was expecting him to, any moment, laugh and tell him that he was kidding.

It wasn't happening.

"I don't know if I should laugh, or worry for his well-being or something."

Warren was a truly helpful individual, Tony. You totally made the right choice asking him for assistance.

"He's been fine!" Pizza wasn't turkey food, though. Which was sad. "Other than the pecking."

"Which turkeys tend to do," Warren replied, helpfully. "So, we just have to get him something to eat. Preferably something that didn't come from the common room fridge. Most of that stuff isn't fit for human consumption anymore, either."

He wouldn't wish it on a turkey, even if that turkey was a teacher.

"So, what do they eat then?" Tony asked slowly. Even though he was sure that Hot Pockets were totally nutritious.

"Turkey food."

Duh, Tony.

"I'm pretty sure farmers feed them corn and steroids to fatten them up," he offered. And then took a strategic step away from the large bird that probably wasn't terribly thrilled with that suggestion. "So maybe we steer away from that?"

Nice save, Warren.

The noise Mr. Rogers made in response to that was probably in agreement with Warren because he wasn't pecking anyone. Yet.

"Don't steroids make you muscular?" Yes, Tony was now trying to picture Mr. Rogers being more (http://images4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090722211415/uncyclopedia/images/3/36/Liefeldcaptainamerica.jpg) muscular. "Ew."

"Well, what part of the turkey do you think you're eating on Thanksgiving, anyhow?"

Warren was trying not to picture Mr. Rogers being more muscular. Warren wanted to sleep tonight.

"...okay, that's an even worse mental image."

Embrace that mental image, Tony. Keep it with you for always.

"If it helps any, I think turkeys that aren't for eating mostly just eat, like, grass and bugs and stuff."

You know. Bird things.

"That just sounds gross," Tony said, poking at a bag of what promised to be 'Super Healthy!' bird food. Why did they have a smiling bird on it?

Birds couldn't even smile! Beaks didn't work like that!

Not that Warren would admit to knowing these things. He didn't want to tempt the island into turning him into a budgie again.

"Well, that would be because you're not a turkey," he pointed out, continuing on his helpful streak. "I guess we could feed him birdseed and fruit and stuff. I mean, I'm no turkey expert," believe it or not, "but it's hard to go wrong with berries."

He was pretty sure. Don't quote him on that.

Warren was the expert and all that!

"Berries and seeds. That won't get into my equipment, right?"

"Not if you put them into a dish for him," Warren pointed out. "I mean, you could scatter them over the floor, but you're probably going to have plenty to worry about with feathers and turkey droppings..."

One of these things, Warren knew all about.

Hint: It wasn't the turkey poo.

"Better get him a bowl, too."

Yeah, that wasn't what Tony needed to hear about. "I'm getting him a kitty litter box."

Actually, Warren couldn't think of anything the matter with that idea!

"Probably a good idea, yeah."

No errant turkey poo! Score!

"You don't really do this taking care of animals thing often, do you?"

Call it a hunch.

"I had a robot dog that I took apart," Tony replied. "It was poorly made."

Warren pursed his lips momentarily, looking between Tony and Turkey!Steve.

"For the record, Mr. Rogers probably shouldn't get taken apart."

In case there was any question about that at all.

"... Why did you take the robot dog apart?"

"It was poorly made!" That totally explained everything. "Some Japanese company gave it to me when they had a meeting with my dad and I took it apart."

A beat.

"In my defense, I was seven at the time."

Warren didn't pout or anything. But really, he never got a robot dog. Why didn't the Worthingtons get robot dogs?

... Aside from the fact that robotics and pharmaceuticals weren't really the same sort of thing at all.

Besides that!

"Okay. So you had a fake-pet once before, and you killed it."

"I fixed it!" Tony insisted. "I made it fly."

"You are aware that most dogs aren't actually capable of flight?"

Warren had to be sure.

"Robot dogs can."

"A robot dog can," Warren corrected, leaning over and reaching to grab a bag of birdseed that looked promising.

And vaguely aware of how weird it was that there was a guy with wings poking through the birdseed section.

"Let's refrain from giving Mr. Rogers the capacity for flight. Some birds are meant to stay on the ground."

If turkeys could sigh, Steve would be. Sighing so, so much.

"He's been pretty fine in the lab," Tony admitted. "Maybe he has experience as a turkey around plasma welders."

"Or maybe he just doesn't want to know what burning feathers smell like?"

Hint: They did not smell good.

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