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Streets of Fandom, Wednesday Afternoon

Alice was becoming restless. The air was crackling. She was beginning to fear that coming to Fandom had been the wrong choice, and she had convinced Leto to abandon his galaxy only to die here. At least their tiny family would face this end together.

She had fashioned a shirt into a makeshift sling, that she might have Hania cradled close to her chest whilst keeping her hands free. Her left hand was going to protect the child at all costs, while the right was armed with its favorite Vorpal Blade. She couldn't bear the thought of leaving her daughter back at the hotel, only to have it disappear. And a stroller seemed like a strategical difficulty; it could be wrested from her too easily.

And so Alice prowled the streets of Fandom. She was not looking for a fight. But she was perhaps expecting one.

(I need to have Alice play with the auditors zomg but this is so open for anyone/everyone else)

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Three Auditors (Auditors liked threes--it meant there were enough of them to consult and for each to watch the others) were crouched on the sidewalk with a ruler, measuring the space between paving stones and talking animatedly.

Edited 2011-12-07 22:43 (UTC)

Alice glanced curiously at the three. They seemed harmless enough, which was a common enough trick employed by those who wished to appear harmless. Her knife was staying in her hand.

"They're the same stones they were yesterday," she said, by way of greeting. "Or has this storm made stones into brick?"

Her remarks were met by three completely humorless expressions. "Do storms do that often?" asked Mr. Canary.

"It would seem a useless phenomenon," Ms. Saffron mused.

"So are most of the things here," sniffed Ms. Gold.

"I've never seen one, personally," Alice said, "but I don't make a hobby of examining stones in the sidewalk post-storms. I haven't noticed any errant bricks lying around, which is a point against the theorem."

The dark, unwell feeling was curling at the edges of her mind again. Perhaps this storm induced madness? She tugged Hania closer instinctively.

"For what are you measuring?"

"To know," Mr. Canary said imperiously. "It is all so...messy and unorganized."

"So is life," Alice said, tilting her head curiously at that. "Chaos is as much a part of existence as order. And I doubt the stones were placed there for aesthetic value. They're more utilitarian."

(I must flee for an appt. back in a couple of hours. sp okay zomg??)

Ms. Gold's lips curled up in a sneer (oddly, she mused, since she had not thought to do such a thing). "Life is very messy. For now."

But soon it would be gone and everything would be organized again. Mmm.

[OOC: Totally fine!]

"So you would order it?" Alice asked. "Entropy would re-create the chaos before you had even finished. Everything falls to its lowest state."

More importantly, these seemed like just the sort of people that needed a good messing-with.

"Did anyone tell you that today is the Left Wednesday of Havershine?" she asked, in a more somber tone. "I noticed that you weren't celebrating."

This was her favorite game to play with diplomats. Leto really shouldn't encourage her.

There were blank stares before Mr. Canary said, "It is against our religion! Fact!"

That was some seriously creative thinking for an Auditor.

My, that was creative. Alice had to give them full marks for that.

"Than I suppose you'll want the religious exemption," she said. "Who will be standing on one foot and reciting the oath?"

This was going to be the celebration. Alice was adaptable like that.

There was a huddle as the Auditors worked that out. "Protocol" featured prominently in the discussion.

"Yeeeees," Ms. Gold said slowly. "But you will demonstrate."

Alice was still very certain that these people were evil. If she were clever, she would be planning an escape. But it seemed far more intriguing to see if she could make them do ridiculous things.

"Of course," she said. "Though I may set my foot down from time to time, so as not to imply that I'm undergoing the religious exemption myself. If any of you set a foot down, you may continue, but that is of course a two-sneeze penalty."

Alice had only inserted that clause in case it proved wobblier than expected to balance on one foot with Hania strapped to her chest. But two-sneeze penalties made the oath seem all the more fun.

Three Auditors nodded humorlessly. "That is agreeable."

Oh, Alice loved a good oath. And a good messing-with-unfortunates-who-had-no-senses-of-humor. Such a delightful way to celebrate an un-birthday.

Well! She placed one leg up and began reciting, solemnly.

"One, two, three four:
I declare a Thumb War.
Five, six, seven, eight,
Your watch is fast and now you're late.

Please return, if found, my pair
Of invisible blue striped socks;
The flamingo wouldn't play croquet
But his neck won't fit in the stocks.

I hereby declare that my Left Wednesday is now on the right, for religious purposes. May my Wednesday never offend the Havershines again."

She had only set her foot down two or three times, and Hania seemed to still be asleep. She was quite pleased with herself.

They listened intently. "How can you find a pair of socks that cannot be seen by inferior eyes?" Ms. Saffron demanded.

Inferior eyes? Odd that they chose that to fixate on.

"Quite simply," Alice said. "One takes a Cheshire Cat, and convinces him to romance a shy, naive young blue striped rabbit. Skin their offspring, and one has wool that is quite soft and thoroughly invisible. It makes for difficult knitting, when one can't see if one has dropped a stitch."

Inspiration led her to add, "Would you like more tea?"

Eww, ingesting nutrients orally. So distasteful.

"Drinking tea is also against our religion," Mr. Canary told her.

"Then tell me," she said. "Why is a raven like a writing desk?"

The three Auditors huddled together to consult.

They hadn't the slightest idea.

Stupid humans and their stupid imaginations and brains and messiness. Ugh.

"They can both be broken down into their component atoms!" Mr. Canary announced triumphantly. "Fact."

Alice wasn't the only one restless. Clouds like Zeus was hungover and pissed at the world were never a good sign to Hercules. So he'd put aside thoughts of cake, strapped on the Shield of Perseus and the bow and arrows of Heracles, sheathed the Sword of Peleus at his belt and... well, he left the Helm of Hades at home. He did not wish to hide from his foe.

When he was the woman with a child and a sword, he knew exactly whom he needed to walk with.

"You know how to accessorize," he greeted, a smirk on his face.

"It's a riddle, and your answer is wrong," Alice said haughtily. "Anyway, you haven't performed the oath yet."

Alice didn't recognize the man, but there had been a great many additions to Fandom since her time, and he didn't have the same foul air that the strange people earlier did. Besides, anyone who approved of her accessories must be on the side of good.

"This is for protection," she said, showing off her knife, "and this for the protecting." She pressed her lips to Hania's head. "I hated to leave her behind. Have you fought many enemies to-day?"

And there was grumbling from Auditors who didn't even know they could grumble until a second ago, but there was also standing on one foot. And recitation:

"One, two, three four:
I declare a Thumb War.
Five, six, seven, eight,
Your watch is fast and now you're late.

Please return, if found, my pair
Of invisible blue striped socks;
The flamingo wouldn't play croquet
But his neck won't fit in the stocks.

I hereby declare that my Left Wednesday is now on the right, for religious purposes. May my Wednesday never offend the Havershines again."

They were such good little rule-followers.

"I have yet to encounter anything," Hercules admitted. "Though I am still unsure what a Redditor would look like if I were to encounter one."

He smiled. "May I accompany you, for now? I say so not because I feel you need protecting, nor your babe. But I think that such a woman so properly outfitted must be very strong indeed, and that is the type of person I wish to have at my side in times like these."

"Quite excellent," Alice said, nodding her approval. "Your Left Wednesday is hereby granted religious exemption, and is now a Right Wednesday, and you needn't celebrate. You haven't answered my riddle, but I suppose I can let you go with a warning, this time."

Perhaps they might have forgotten how all of this started.

They frowned. "We are being warned about a riddle?" one asked.

Humans were so very useless.

"I would welcome the assistance, with no offense taken, I assure you," she said, dropping a very abbreviated curtsy. Hania still slept, after all. "I confess, I have not tried fighting with her accompaniment before. And of course you understand that she is to be my first priority, should matters become grim."

She was fully prepared to hurl him to the wolves should it be necessary to spare Hania. Nothing personal. She'd do much the same for her own self, or any one on this island save Leto.

"I nearly called you 'fair knight,' but that isn't right, is it?" she asked, tilting her head with curiosity. "You've far too regal a bearing for knighthood."

"I am but a man, with a man's courage," Hercules said. "Though I am Hercules, son of Zeus, former Prince of Power. The way you speak makes me think you yourself must be at least somewhat regal. Or come from a time long past. Or one of those alien societies that talk that way. Like the silly Asgards."

He was rambling. Because he was Hercules.

Oh, that was much better than she might have anticipated. Now, to make up a cryptic sounding warning.

"Yes," she said solemnly. "Seven days. This sentence is false. The previous sentence was true. Stones only become bricks on their fourteenth birthdays. Be the Pied Piper of chicks. All persons more than a mile high are to leave the court immediately. Void where prohibited. Act now."

"Isn't Zeus a god?" Alice asked, curious as to whether that should be a large G or a small one. Said aloud, it hardly mattered, but in practice perhaps it did. "I am two of those things; regal, and from a time in the past. I've several names now, and you're welcome to any of them. Alice Liddell, then Queen Alice, and now Lady Alice of House Atreides."

She tried to remember if she knew any aliens. Mutants, many, but no aliens came to mind offhand.

"I don't know of any Asgards," she said, "but I'm quite fond of silliness. It has its place."

"He is," Hercules said. "It's a very long story. But the quick version is that I gave up any godly powers to save the universe. A fair trade, I think. It is good to meet you, Queen Alice. I swear, I have met more young queens on this island than in my original days traveling ancient Greece!"

He chuckled loudly, but then stopped.

"Oh... perhaps I should be quiet for the sake of the young babe?"

"Fair, but a shame nonetheless," Alice said lightly. "For your sake, that is. Those of us in the universe are quite understandably grateful. This island does seem to have its share of royalty, does it not? Though I ought to say, I'm not regal by blood, or birth. I fought for my territory."

She stopped to peek at Hania, who was making awkward fussing noises.

"She isn't asleep and isn't awake," Alice sighed. "At least she isn't screaming. Hania, would you say hello to the nice gentleman?"

"Who's a beautiful widdle princess?" Hercules said, crouching down to wiggle a finger in the face of the child. As you did when you were a large burly man strapped with multiple weapons of Mythic destruction. "A fine name, Hania. It almost sounds Greek!"

Hania squinted at the man, then reached a saliva-covered fist out to try to grab his finger. It was not really a coordinated effort, but she had not exactly the combat practice of either of her parents.

"Fremen," she answered, pleased. "Which I believe has Hebraic roots. It means resting-place. Be careful, if she latches on to you, she's likely to place your finger in her mouth."

Everything went into Hania's mouth. Especially her own fingers, other people's hair, buttons, and jewelry.

"Do the Fremen have town musicians?" Hercules mused, letting Hania grab his finger. It was a nice distraction for him.

"I have had worse bits of me in the mouths of far scarier things," he added. "A little child saliva won't harm me. Unless... she does not have razor teeth or secret poison does she?"

"No town musicians," she said, "and no towns. The Fremen are desert warriors. Very pragmatic people. My husband is Fremen."

There was something thrilling in calling Leto that, aloud.

"She's perfectly ordinary, I assure you," she added, laughing. "No poison, no razor teeth. She'll drool on your fingers, and attempt to gum them into submission. I have no fear for the safety of your fingertips."

"Desert warriors," Hercules said with an approving nod. He even let Hania gum on his finger, because, well, it was only appropriate.

"I had to check. I would be the laughing stock of Olympus if I became Hercules the Nine-Fingered, Victim of Teething."

Auditors didn't like to act now. They liked to act later. Much later. Possibly in the next millennium.

"We will remember your words," Ms. Gold said.

Especially because she hadn't made the slightest amount of sense.

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Streets of Fandom, Wednesday Afternoon

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