fandomtownies | Stark Industries; Sunday [ 04/01 ].

Butters was feeling pretty gosh darn relieved that he didn't have any crazy kids from possible futures showing up, knowing perfectly well that he dodged a lot of bullets with that one (and, admittedly, there was at least one disappointment that there wasn't a little Kardasian running around calling him Dad or anything like that). He was pretty sure he'd be grounded if he had future kids showing up and everything, so that made it even better

Even if part of him wondered if this was just a big plot by the school to warn everyone about their future lives, like that one time his and Stan's parents hired people to be their Future Selves to keep them off of drugs, violence, and sex with wonton women...Clearly, they didn't send anyone for Butters, because he'd have seen right through it.

Either way, he was content to head to work as a nice, child-free bachelor, dressed in his cowboy hat because he intended to spend his day playing Futuristic Cowboy Cattle Train Heist with all the neato stuff around the store, like he usually did on Sundays.

Stark Industries is open!

[[ sometimes, I remember that he works here. Sometimes. Open post is open! ]]

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Maaaaybe Derek inherited more from his mom than fae/human genetics were really supposed to have let him, and he could sniff out people who were A Little Bicurious from a mile away.

Maybe he just had his own mutant --- whoops, wrong universe -- metahuman ability to sense when somebody in his vicinity was wearing a bitchin' cowboy hat.

Maybe he read the word 'Stark' and made entirely incorrect assumptions about what sort of industries those might be.

The point is, there was a door, and he was on the outside of it, and then he wasn't, and then "Heeeeeeeey. How YOU doin'? Nice ...hat."

Butters looked up from where the Futuristic Cowboy Cattle Train was about to go off the bridge, aka the counter, in a fiery blaze after just being thrown off the tracks by the Brave Hero, aka him, to prevent it from running over the Tragic Sexbot with the Heart of Gold Literally, aka a screwdriver, when the door open and someone came in and complimented his hat.

And Butters's day was made, just like that. And the fact that there might be a customer, and he never got customers!

"Aww, well, shucks, this old thing?" He gave the hat a little tip. "Much obliged, there, pardner, that's awful kind of you to say so. What brings you 'round to these here parts, and how can I help you?"

"A portal brought me, but I think the real question here is--" One good tip of the hat deserves another. "--how can I help you?"

You can take the guy campaigning for Student Body President out of Fandom, but you can't take.... okay, no, you really couldn't take him out of Fandom, apparently. All you could do was throw him a few decades back in time. He'd still campaign, even if it wasn't for political office.

It wasn't like his platform -- that being How YOU doin'? -- changed remotely, after all.

"Well, gee," said Butters, with a laugh tinging on nervousness because this other cowboy sure had a real nice hat tip down pretty good. "That's a funny question! No one ever asks the person workin' what they can do to help them, because it's always the other way around. I guess I don't really know; I haven't thought about it before...."

Derek had no claim in any part of his family history on a drawl, but it wasn't like that stopped him from the cowboy hat, jeans, and no shirt thing, so why not complete the picture?

"I'm runnin' for student government back home, see," he said, and it wasn't much of a drawl, anyway. "So I figured I'd get in some practice with finding out how I can help my fellow students fill their needs. Name's Derek, by the way."

"Well, it sure is nice to meet you, Derek. I'm Butters. Butters Stotch. But 'round these parts, they call me Big Texas Butters."

Well, some people did. Mostly the crazy ones, but, boy, did he miss radio.

"That's awfully nice of you, going around seein' how to fill people's needs." And with no shirt, at that. "I mean, I'd vote for you, and I don't even have many needs that need fillin'."

There was a slight, shifting pause. "Not much, anyway."

Technically speaking, those weren't needs. Butters gave a little cough.

"Everybody's got needs, Big Texas Butters."

Okay, he had to ask. "Is that a porn name? Because it's an awesome porn name, if it is. I'm still tryin' to settle on one. I mean, you can't really go wrong with Derek, but I still need a last name that's not the one that would piss off my grandma, you know? I'm thinkin' maybe...Derek Long?"

"Oh, no," said Butters, with the sudden seriousness of someone who had actually given this some thought in the past. "Big Texas Butters is just my cowboy name. My porn star name right now is...Port Star Butters, so I guess that could use a little work. It's not very....subtle. Derek Long's pretty good, though. It's real...descriptive."

"Maybe you could just go with Big Butters for the porn star name?" Spoken with the not so sudden serious of someone who really wanted to go into this for a living. "Leaves out the cowboy part, still descriptive, and--" He grinned. "People can sing I like Big Butters and I cannot lie..."

Like Butters could ever refuse a prompt like that.

"You other brothers can't deny, that when Butters walks in with an itty bitty waist and that---"

And then Butters blushed. "W-well, you get the idea. That's gettin' pretty part PG-13 and Stark's is a family business."

"Well, that's just a shame. I totally wanna se-- hear that."

Derek's idea of a family business, considering his mom's side of the family -- like the grandma who'd only be pissed if he used Gardner as a porn name because then she wouldn't get any of the rightfully-due credit for his success -- might not be everyone's.

"Think they have any R-rated places around here where you could do the rest of it?"

"Oh, sure!" said Butters, brightly, before his brain could catch up with him and supply the fact that conversations like that didn't really ever happen and, usually when they did, they ended up real bad. "Lots of places!"

Thankfully, something else other than the pure porn perfectness of the way this was headed caught up to him first. "Oh, hamburgers," he said, shoulders slumping as quickly as his mood had lifted. "But I'm not on my lunch for another half hour still."

"Hey, I got nowhere to be anytime soon, and allll the patience in the world."

That was ....a complete lie. The last part. He was a 17-year-old son of a succubus.

"Well, some of it," he corrected a bit more honestly. "Considering my dad's head hasn't exploded yet, I'd say he hung onto about half of it."

Yes. Derek thought of Guy Gardner as a patient man, comparatively speaking. FEAR what that says about his ability to test that patience.

Butters considered that for a moment. "Like, really explode, or just in the 'Mister, you're totally grounded' way?"

Because, in Butters's world, it was a completely legit question.

"The second one," Derek confirmed. "Though he could probably use his power ring to make it look like his head exploded if he really wanted to mess with me."

Oh, hey. Derek had a power ring too. He'd just file that idea away for later.

Stark Industries; Sunday [ 04/01 ].

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