Kaidan Alenko (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
not_a_whiner) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
fandomtownies2012-08-19 01:57 pm
not_a_whiner) wrote in fandomtownies2012-08-19 01:57 pm
Entry tags:
The Beach, Early Sunday Morning
Find a way to let it all out.
Easier said than done. Where should he go? Up, to Vancouver-- see the graves that didn't hold bodies, talk to them like they were... like they were people? No. And going to the Normandy crash site wasn't an option-- too far out of everyone's way, and the Alliance wasn't going to lend him a ship just to put his personal ghosts to rest.
By early morning of the next day... of Sunday, Kaidan had made his call. The beach, a place of no more or no less significance than anywhere else. Early, so the kids wouldn't be out here yet. And... that was it, really. Better this way: no theatrics, no dramatics.
Could've done this in his room, but then he wouldn't have felt the wind in his hair.
He pushed the sleeves of his uniform up to his elbows. It was too warm out. Had been for a while. It made him miss Vancouver, a little, and the climate-controlled hallways of the Normandy, where it might have always been just a hair too chilly for some of the crew. It suited Kaidan fine, though: he didn't do so hot in warmer climates.
And... he was getting off track.
"I don't know how to do this," Kaidan told a passing seagull. "This was a bad idea. It's stupid." He reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Okay," he said. "Okay."
He took a deep breath. "I... hate that you're gone," he said. "Both of you. All the things we went through together-- everything we survived, every time we came out on top... you deserved better than this. Old age, maybe. A home, a chance to retire, have kids, be happy."
It still felt strange, and even as the words came rolling out of his mouth, he wasn't sure, it didn't quite sound right. "I don't know. Maybe I could've done something..." That sounded true. "Maybe I could've," he said again, slowly. "Maybe if I hadn't gotten overrun on Virmire... if we'd checked for inbound geth... if I hadn't let you run off like an idiot, Shepard, I could've done something. Saved you, saved Ash, I don't know."
Kaidan sat down on the sand, cross-legged, and stared at the water. It was dark - grey, even. Nothing like the sea down on Virmire, but now he was thinking about it. "Hell-- why did you save me, Shepard?" he said. "Maybe if Ash had been the one that lived... well, she's always been stubborn. Why didn't you save her? She would've saved you. Would've been one more of you. And why the hell didn't I do anything? Jesus, I knew you gave insane orders sometimes, I should've known when to disobey one!"
Fuck. He was yelling. He felt the anger pumping through his veins, and that was never a good thing-- he got up. "Dammit, this was a stupid idea," he said. Tried to get his breathing to even out under the strain of it. "All of this was the stupidest crap--" He bit down on the rest of it.
With a flick of his hand, biotics came to him. He could practically feel the curve of one of the rocks just under his fingers, humming to be called up, to be hurled into the water or against anything else that his anger desired.
The rock, glowing with Kaidan's effort, wobbled and lifted. It would take just one gesture, throw, but... not a good idea. Acting out on his anger-- was a terrible idea, even if it was just against the waves that lapped inexorably against the rocks over and over again. He had to be calm. Had to stay calm. He was disciplined, dammit: he wouldn't just give in to what he was feeling. He had to think.
The rock dropped back onto the beach with an audible thud. Kaidan sighed.
The biotics stayed with him for a while, muscles flexing and ready to go. But eventually, the blue glow of dark energy residue burning off his body dimmed, and he was left standing there. Alone.
[[ but post is open for anyone who might be around, including myself... ETA: self-thread with Liara comes last chronologically, la ]]
Easier said than done. Where should he go? Up, to Vancouver-- see the graves that didn't hold bodies, talk to them like they were... like they were people? No. And going to the Normandy crash site wasn't an option-- too far out of everyone's way, and the Alliance wasn't going to lend him a ship just to put his personal ghosts to rest.
By early morning of the next day... of Sunday, Kaidan had made his call. The beach, a place of no more or no less significance than anywhere else. Early, so the kids wouldn't be out here yet. And... that was it, really. Better this way: no theatrics, no dramatics.
Could've done this in his room, but then he wouldn't have felt the wind in his hair.
He pushed the sleeves of his uniform up to his elbows. It was too warm out. Had been for a while. It made him miss Vancouver, a little, and the climate-controlled hallways of the Normandy, where it might have always been just a hair too chilly for some of the crew. It suited Kaidan fine, though: he didn't do so hot in warmer climates.
And... he was getting off track.
"I don't know how to do this," Kaidan told a passing seagull. "This was a bad idea. It's stupid." He reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Okay," he said. "Okay."
He took a deep breath. "I... hate that you're gone," he said. "Both of you. All the things we went through together-- everything we survived, every time we came out on top... you deserved better than this. Old age, maybe. A home, a chance to retire, have kids, be happy."
It still felt strange, and even as the words came rolling out of his mouth, he wasn't sure, it didn't quite sound right. "I don't know. Maybe I could've done something..." That sounded true. "Maybe I could've," he said again, slowly. "Maybe if I hadn't gotten overrun on Virmire... if we'd checked for inbound geth... if I hadn't let you run off like an idiot, Shepard, I could've done something. Saved you, saved Ash, I don't know."
Kaidan sat down on the sand, cross-legged, and stared at the water. It was dark - grey, even. Nothing like the sea down on Virmire, but now he was thinking about it. "Hell-- why did you save me, Shepard?" he said. "Maybe if Ash had been the one that lived... well, she's always been stubborn. Why didn't you save her? She would've saved you. Would've been one more of you. And why the hell didn't I do anything? Jesus, I knew you gave insane orders sometimes, I should've known when to disobey one!"
Fuck. He was yelling. He felt the anger pumping through his veins, and that was never a good thing-- he got up. "Dammit, this was a stupid idea," he said. Tried to get his breathing to even out under the strain of it. "All of this was the stupidest crap--" He bit down on the rest of it.
With a flick of his hand, biotics came to him. He could practically feel the curve of one of the rocks just under his fingers, humming to be called up, to be hurled into the water or against anything else that his anger desired.
The rock, glowing with Kaidan's effort, wobbled and lifted. It would take just one gesture, throw, but... not a good idea. Acting out on his anger-- was a terrible idea, even if it was just against the waves that lapped inexorably against the rocks over and over again. He had to be calm. Had to stay calm. He was disciplined, dammit: he wouldn't just give in to what he was feeling. He had to think.
The rock dropped back onto the beach with an audible thud. Kaidan sighed.
The biotics stayed with him for a while, muscles flexing and ready to go. But eventually, the blue glow of dark energy residue burning off his body dimmed, and he was left standing there. Alone.
[[ but post is open for anyone who might be around, including myself... ETA: self-thread with Liara comes last chronologically, la ]]
no subject
The blue glow startled her, and she came to a sudden stop. Should she interfere? Say something? ... No, that might be considered rude.
She hung back for a few long moments, until well after the man's biotics had died down. Then she took a step back: this was private, it was wrong for her to be here, she could question him la--
"Ow!"
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Liara pushed herself back up.
"...how do you know my name?"
no subject
It wasn't lying, technically, but he still felt kind of bad about it.
no subject
It couldn't be anything else. She knew biotics when she saw them.
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Never was good at (or terribly interested in) keeping a lie going.
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He did have distinct eyebrows.
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"It's... it's a weird time and space thing," he started. "...I don't know. I'd need to look into it-- I have no idea how this could have worked."
He paused. "Look, uh... what year are you from?"
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Hopefully that would make him sound like less of a nut. (He was kind of starting to sound like a nut to his own ears.)
"We should talk."
no subject
Liara cupped the back of her neck. "I... suppose we should," she agreed.