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the park ; sunday afternoon

There was a Council meeting later today. Sam figured that was as good a reason as any to go to the place furthest away from said meeting. He didn't want to go. He never wanted to go. He didn't want to listen to constant argument or people patting themselves on the back and he really didn't want to listen to people lecture him on his role in the whole thing. He hadn't wanted to be there in the first place. He'd killed someone and a spot in the middle of bickering supernatural beings had been his reward.

So, he'd escaped for awhile. It might have been chilly but Sam didn't care. He'd experienced worse. And he had a good winter coat and a warm glove and beanie that kept him warm for the most part. Sure, he could have gone into one of the many local businesses to warm up but he wanted to be outside for some reason.

Eyes closed, Sam took a few deep breaths to try and clear his head. It was the only way he'd get through everything later.

[Town post is open, of course]

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Natalie had thought it'd be nice to come out of the school grounds through the north gate so she could walk through town on her way to Kwik Stop for a few necessities. Once she was crossing the park, it turned out not to have been such a great idea.

And walking past him while his eyes were closed would probably have worked better if she could have kept her hesitation and the slightest twinge of guilt from bleeding out while she was doing so.

The feelings weren't strong but they were still there. He opened his eyes and wasn't surprised to see her nearby.

"Feeling guilty around me for some reason?" he asked and let that serve as a greeting. At least he didn't sound angry?

Natalie stopped, sticking her hands into the pockets of her jacket. "Broke your heart, didn't I?"

Even if her current guilt was weirdly about having kissed someone else. And that time when she hadn't looked like herself. Still, it was better to cling to the obvious.

"Yeah."

Well, she had.

"Guess that would be the reason."

Natalie shrugged a shoulder. "Sorry," she said, and wasn't sure what she was apologizing for. Everything, maybe, even if her tone was too light for that. "Wasn't expecting to see you here."

Maybe that was what she'd apologized for. For showing up when she'd been trying to give him time and distance.

Edited 2013-03-03 15:15 (UTC)

"Sorry really doesn't help anything, Natalie," Sam sighed, shaking his head and closing his eyes again. "And I needed a break from Seattle. Didn't think I had to call ahead to say I'd be in town anymore."

"That's not what I meant." But she didn't sound defensive, at least. Just... factual. "Is it the Council?"

She knew him, okay.

"It's always them," Sam admitted with another sigh and a shake of his head. "But, it doesn't matter anyway. I'll do what I have to do."

"Mm." She watched him for a second. Shouldn't have, but did anyway. "I hope it's just the usual annoyance instead of anything big blowing up."

"Yeah, thanks," he said and hated that he sounded really sad all the sudden. He attempted to bury that quickly. He missed having someone to talk to about things like this.

"So, how's your life? Tip top and smashing and stuff?"

He could bury it as quickly as he wanted to, she'd still heard it. And, well, she missed having someone to talk to, about just about anything.

"Spring break was in Turkey," she said, shrugging. "I'm waiting to pick up my bow from the post office. I'm in a play that opens next Friday. I've been better."

"...all that sounds pretty damn good." Well, it sounded better than what he'd been going through, at least. "You've been better? How could you be better than that?"

"Being busy is not the same as feeling great. You know that, Sam." Her words were mild. So was her little shrug. "But if it looks good from the outside, good."

"Whatever," Sam said, shaking his head again and rubbing a hand over his eyes. "It was an attempt at conversation. Forget it. Shouldn't have tried."

"Remember who you're talking to, Sam," Natalie pointed out, her tone getting a little softer. "This is my interpretation of having a conversation."

With him, right now, anyway.

"Sure, fine," he said and felt his shoulders tensing up and his stress levels rising again. He kept his hand over his eyes. "Got it."

"And now I'm stressing you out." Because she watched, and she saw. Even when she shouldn't. "Sorry."

"I was already stressed," Sam told her, shaking his head. "You haven't done anything that wasn't already there."

Natalie exhaled. "Think I put some of it there to begin with," she said, quietly. "Thanks, anyway." And she meant that. Even vaguely nice words didn't happen much between them these days, and she treasured those that did. "I'd ask ifthere's anything I can do to help but I don't think there is."

"Not unless you know how to make the shittiest five months of my life go away like they never happened," Sam said bluntly. "If you can do that, I'd be thankful."

"I don't have that kind of magic," Natalie replied, taking care to keep her tone mild while the guilt tried to roll back. "Guess I won't ask if you'd mind me sitting down for a moment."

"I'm just being honest," Sam told her, shrugging and looking a little helpless. "If you wanna sit down, I'm not gonna stop you."

"Being honest can easily turn into being an ass," Natalie replied. Still, she took a seat on one end of the bench. "But it's probably deserved, so I shouldn't complain."

"Would you rather I just lie to you?" Sam asked, slanting a glance her way. "That be a better avenue?"

"Sometimes, yes." Well, since they were being honest... "Well, I imagine it would be, for a moment or two. And then I'd realize you're lying and it'd be the same as if you hadn't."

"Fine, I'll lie to you now," Sam replied, crossing his arms and looking down at his feet. "That works for me."

It didn't but whatever.

"I just told you that it doesn't work."

In her own circling way.

"So... Please don't."

"Have you been lying to me?" Sam wondered, looking over at her now. And it was actually a steady gaze too. If she was going to ask him that, he wanted to make sure it was returned.

Natalie returned the gaze exactly as steadily, at least.

"Are you sure you want to know?"

"Don't answer a question with a question," Sam said, shaking his head. "I don't need that today."

"I'm just making sure you know what you're doing." Especially since that answering question was kind of an answer in itself. (But really, it was stalling too.) "Sorry."

"Look, that avoidance is enough for me to know you've been lying to me," Sam pointed out because he wasn't dumb. "So, why not just tell me and get it over with? You're the one who told me not to lie to you. Why should you get to lie to me?"

Natalie wanted to roll her eyes. Mostly at herself. Or maybe at what she knew was coming.

"You met a guy in Fandom at the end of January. Black clothes, blond hair, scruffy."

"...yeah," Sam said slowly. He blinked a few times and waited for her to elaborate even if the sick feeling in his stomach was telling him what was coming.

"That was me."

Well, at least she didn't stall anymore.

She looked away. "Feel free to yell or storm off or whatever you feel like doing."

Sam's lips thinned and he breathed out raggedly. He stayed sitting for the moment but he was much more tense than he had been. Much more.

"Why?" he finally asked tightly.

"Because I'm weak." That was the most obvious answer. "Because I gave in to wanting you to talk to me like I wasn't me."

Which was kind of the reason why she wondered whether there was anything that would be achieved by telling him this right now. He might as well have already stormed off, as far as she was concerned.

No way was this going to turn out positive for her.

"I made the wrong decision, and not that I think it'll matter to you much, but I've felt guilty about it from about that very moment on."

Sam's breaths were still coming raggedly and he was still deciding whether he did want to storm off or yell or something else he hadn't yet thought about.

He exhaled harshly. "That's a really...shitty thing to do," Sam said because he couldn't think of anything else to say. He didn't often curse but apparently this was the day for it.

"I know." She did. "Hence the guilt. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry."

She wasn't sure that was worth much.

"Yeah."

He was internalizing a lot right now. A lot.

"Anything else you wanna share just so we can get it out of the way?"

And he could figure out how to react.

"No, I think that's all." Well, everything she could think of that directly pertained to him. Her trip makeouts did not fall in that category. "Judge away."

"I'm just...really, really sad that that's what it's come to," he said and he sounded it. He just sounded so beaten down and worn. "That you have to lie to me now. I'm just really sad."

"I lied because it felt like that was the only way I'd get to talk to you again," Natalie replied, subdued. Like she wasn't hurting. "So it's not that surprising."

Embarrassing and unfair, sure. Surprising, not so much.

"Yeah."

His chest hurt and his stomach was roiling and things just really, really sucked.

"I've gotta get going," he said, getting to his feet. "I'm sure I'm gonna have to raise someone later and that always takes a lot out of me. I need to sleep."

"This is why I asked you if you really wanted to know, Sam," Natalie said, looking up. "I didn't want to make you hate me more."

She should've just shut up already.

"Good luck with the Council, I guess."

This time, Sam laughed ruefully. "If you were me and I'd done that to you, would you wanna know or would you want to just have that between us forever?"

"I don't think this is one of those situations I can imagine reversed." She wasn't sure why. "Especially since I don't know if there's going to be anything else between us forever. But I'd want to know. Yes."

"Then, don't treat me like I shouldn't have wanted to know," Sam told her, schooling his face into neutrality again. "Goodbye."

He walked off, hands in his pockets and chest still aching. Not a good visit.

Even Natalie was starting to believe that was the only way it was going to go. Maybe she was just being cruel to them both.

She made herself get up and walk in the opposite direction.

Walk it off.

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the park ; sunday afternoon

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