The Perk, Wednesday afternoon

[hollywoostar]

Mr. Peanutbutter was a little disconcerted by Fandom. It was such a small town! He thought he knew small towns, growing up on the Labrador Peninsula, but those small towns had a lot more . . . space. Plus, he'd been promised squirrel paparazzi, but he hadn't spotted a single flash in his peripheral vision. Not even when he'd deliberately gone out for coffee in his ugliest, loungiest lounge-around outfit!

So now he was just stuck at this weird little non-Starbucks coffee shop where the baristas were barely even giving him ironic glares, wearing his ugliest, loungiest grey v-neck t-shirt and blue sports pants with white piping. At least he could tell Diane that he went to an Independent Cafe and supported a Small Business. She'd definitely tell him what a good boy he was for that.

"No -- I don't need it in a bowl. Just a cup. A regular coffee cup. You know, with the plastic lid and -- alright, a mug will do fine. No, it doesn't need to be a really big shallow mug -- alright, alright, you're the professional. I suppose you know best."

He was Unimpressed by this particular Small Business. This was definitely going on his Yelp review.

[I told you he'd get more than one thread eventually! Open!]

Comments

[sarcasm-duh.livejournal.com]

Archer wasn't necessarily drunk (Or at least no drunker than usual) when he spotted Mr. Peanutbutter.

His response was swift.

"Hey barista-type person! I'm totally tripping balls and see a dog-person drinking coffee and I need at least a double espresso to counteract it."

[hollywoostar]

Mr. Peanutbutter looked around automatically for the balls, then chuckled. "Good one! But no, you're not tripping. You are actually seeing Mr. Peanutbutter, TV star and hero of Pacific Ocean City. I know, I know, and in such a small town! It must be quite a treat."

[sarcasm-duh.livejournal.com]

Archer's eyes widened at the talking dog person talking back to him and turned back to the barista. "Are you seeing this?"

When the barista nodded.

"Fine. I want four espressos just in case."

And finally he turned back to Mr. Peanutbutter.

"So. Seriously. You're a real thing. Like when everyone turned into a pony, right?"

[hollywoostar]

"I do not know what that is," Mr. Peanutbutter said cheerfully. "I'm assuming it's some kind of drug metaphor? I'm not hip with the local lingua Franca just yet, I'm afraid. But yes, I am actually here. Not a hologram or an impersonator. The real, for actual Mr. Peanutbutter."

In Mr. Peanutbutter's experience, now was usually when the shrieking and asking for selfies began.

[sarcasm-duh.livejournal.com]

Archer gave Mr. Peanutbutter a skeptical look. Krieger had given Archer some really weird shit in the past which made him hallucinate things but they usually melted by this point.

"Okay. So you're dog man who's.... a spokesdog for a peanut butter company?"

[hollywoostar]

". . . No." Peanut butter company? Really? It was like Archer had never met a proper dog before. "I'm a dog. Named Mr. Peanutbutter. I've never actually been approached by any of the peanut butter manufacturers about sponsorships. I did do a great spot for a seahorse milk company, but that only ran underwater."

Since, you know, seahorses.

[sarcasm-duh.livejournal.com]

"Seahorse milk? What the fuck is seahorse milk?" Archer asked. "And how can anyone in marketing miss an opportunity to have a talking dog endorse their own peanut butter? I mean DUH!"

[hollywoostar]

"I think it's a little too 'on the nose'," Mr. Peanutbutter said, making air quotes with his fingers while idly licking his own nose. "I mean, it's not like I'd be one of those Gentle Farms chickens advertising their chicken farm. I'm not actually made of peanut butter."

[sarcasm-duh.livejournal.com]

"Well of course not. You're a dog. Duh. That's obvious," Archer replied. "But let's get down to a more serious question: What the fuck is sea horse milk and why would you endorse it?"

[hollywoostar]

"It's milk made by seahorses. You know, for baby seahorses?" Really, that just seemed obvious. "And they paid me."

Also, obviously.

[sarcasm-duh.livejournal.com]

"Well if it's for baby seahorses why are you selling it?" Archer asked dubiously. "Are you part seahorse?"

[hollywoostar]

"I don't know," Mr. Peanutbutter said cheerfully. "I don't even have any kids! But the ocean has its own multitude of noble cultures, and as but a humble TV dog, I do not try to understand its ways."