Devil's Nest, Thursday night

[texted3times]

Tiny was behind the bar, and Eric was in the axe-throwing zone, throwing axes with extreme prejudice at a cut-out of some guy from home named Bill.

No, Eric would not tell you why.

The music Tiny had chosen was from Taylor Swift's newest album and Eric wasn't even complaining about it, so Tiny, at least, was happy.

[OOC: No OCD!]

Comments

[my_own_advocate]

"Feeling a bit murderous?" Lucifer asked, having ambled in a few minutes ago.

[texted3times]

"What makes you think that?" Eric asked, flinging an axe to lodge in not!Bill's forehead.

[my_own_advocate]

"Context clues," Lucifer said dryly. "Who's..." he eyed not!Bill with distaste, "... that thing that clearly hasn't seen a decent hairdresser in ever."

[texted3times]

"One of his many, many flaws," Eric agreed. "That's Beeeeeeeeeell. He's being annoying."

Mostly by existing.

[my_own_advocate]

"I want to say you think everyone is annoying," Lucifer said, "But in this particular case I'll grant you the benefit of the doubt on comparative hotness grounds."

[texted3times]

"He is not hot," Eric agreed.

Sookie. Why do you have such terrible taste?

[my_own_advocate]

"I'm honestly considering asking you to remove that before he scares the customers," Lucifer said.

Why would anyone bang Bill if they could bang Eric? Sure, the urge to shove a sock in Eric's mouth was occasionally strong, but at least you wouldn't regret it afterwards.

[texted3times]

That had been Eric's argument for years, mostly done by loitering alluringly in doorways.

"I'll chop him into pieces and then have Tiny burn it," Eric said.

That's well-adjusted.

[my_own_advocate]

"Seems fair," Lucifer said, and only followed that up with, "What did he do?" moments later.

What? There was just something deeply burnable about that face.

[texted3times]

"Exist," Eric said.

Because admitting that some human liked Bill better was just humiliating.

"He came into Fangtasia when I was back earlier this week and just reminded me of how incredibly irritating he is."

[my_own_advocate]

"So you decided to come here and menace his likeness," Lucifer said, sounding not entirely convinced.

[texted3times]

Eric smiled. "Better than menacing him directly."

[my_own_advocate]

"I don't know you to avoid menacing people directly," Lucifer pointed out.

[texted3times]

"There would be looks and sighing and getting yelled by a very hot girl with nice breasts," Eric said. "It's far too much work for Bill."

[my_own_advocate]

"What happened to 'I'm not having any trouble getting laid'?"

[texted3times]

"Oh, I'm not," Eric said. "I just don't get to sleep with Sookie."

Terrible name.

[my_own_advocate]

"You know there are plenty of very hot women with impressive cleavage out there," Lucifer said, "and most of them aren't named like barmaids from children's picture books with a little extra thrown in 'for the parents'."

[texted3times]

"Yes, but they don't smell as good," Eric muttered.

She had fairy blood, Lucifer. It was a whole vampire thing.

[my_own_advocate]

"Yes. Very stalkery," Lucifer said.

[texted3times]

"Well, that's why I'm here and not lurking under her windowsill like someone begging to be peppersprayed."

Bill.

[my_own_advocate]

"Well, if you do ever decide to stop plotting his pepperspraying and go ahead with it, do call me, I get bored."

Vampires didn't count as humans, did they?

[texted3times]

Not if you asked vampires.

"But then you'd have to see his hair in person," Eric said.

[my_own_advocate]

"But I could make him scream and wet himself," Lucifer said, "Which would improve many things considerably."

[texted3times]

"This is extremely tempting," Eric admitted.

[my_own_advocate]

"Serves him right for getting that haircut."

[texted3times]

"Exactly," Eric agreed.

[ohvalleyofpenis]

"Oh, this is lovely music." Of course he was a Taylor Swift fan.

[texted3times]

Tiny gave him unironic double thumbs up and a free drink for his amazing taste.

Eric grunted. "You would like this."

[ohvalleyofpenis]

Jaskier returned the gesture wholeheartedly and toasted the free drink. "Is it not to your tastes?"

[texted3times]

"Not remotely," Eric said.

[ohvalleyofpenis]

"I would venture something with more horns and drums for you. Or bawdy and meant to be clapped along with," he suggested.

[texted3times]

"Bawdy for tonight, definitely," Eric said with a little smirk.

[ohvalleyofpenis]

"We will have to see where the evening takes us, won't we?" Into a bed. Possibly the office. Heck, maybe a broom closet.

[texted3times]

Eric waggled his eyebrows. "Oh, will we?"

[ohvalleyofpenis]

"But first, i think you will need to buy me a drink." This was as 'hard to get' as Jaskier got.

[texted3times]

"Oh?" Eric said. "What would you like?"

[ohvalleyofpenis]

"Something with vodka, but i will leave the combination in your capable hands," he said with a wink.

[texted3times]

"Oh, I leave it in Tiny's," Eric said with a little smile. "I don't make drinks."

He was arrogant like that.

Tiny was making something extremely sweet and fruity for Jaskier, heavy on the vodka.

[ohvalleyofpenis]

Tiny was his bro who totally understood what it was that Jaskier craved while out drinking. Also, as long as it was horrifyingly coconut flavored, he was down.

"A drink is still a drink either way."

[texted3times]

"Well, some of them taste better than others," Eric noted.

[ohvalleyofpenis]

"I did learn that lesson with the Mezcal." He still looked traumatized by it.

[texted3times]

Eric made a face, too. "Tastes like bat piss."