Infinite Consortium - Tuesday Morning

[single_man_tear]

A shipment of boxes had arrived and were waiting to be unpacked.

"Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis legio omnis congregatio et secta diabolica."

But Dean had bigger things on his mind today.

"Ergo draco maledicte et omnis legio diabolica adjuramus te"

Such as trying to see if performing an exorcism on that damn chair would work.

"Cessa decipere humanas creaturas, eisque aeternae Perditionis venenum propinare!"

Dean carefully looked at the chair which was once again chained to the wall. It wasn't moving anymore. Barely a twitch. But there had been no smoke billowing out of it. He carefully approached it only for the chair to immediately lurch and try to bite Dean's hand.

"Son of a bitch!"

Clearly the chair was not possessed. Infinite Consortium was open for business.

Comments

[deathsmajesty]

"What in the Blind Eternities are you doing to my chair?" Liliana asked from the doorway where she'd been lounging, listening to Dean spout gibberish.

[single_man_tear]

“Teaching it Latin. That’s what we do to all carnivore chairs in my reality.”

So much snark.

[deathsmajesty]

"That was Latin?" Liliana asked, curious. "Do you know more?"

[single_man_tear]

“Uhhh. Podex perfectus es.”

And then he grinned. Clearly it was an insult.

[deathsmajesty]

Liliana raises an eyebrow. "Accipit ut cognoscat unius sui," she said absently. "No, that sounds wrong. Say more."

[single_man_tear]

“Uh… mea coles est decem pollices longi”

Dean made Sam teach him that one.

[deathsmajesty]

"My...cabbages?" Liliana asked, confused. "No, wait, the stalk? The stem? Oh! Cock joke! Okay that makes much more sense and darling, no woman believes a man when he says that without significant proof."

[single_man_tear]

“Well when you finally capture Navaan you can ask her,” Dean replied. “If she remembers who I am.”

[deathsmajesty]

Liliana smiled a bit. It's not exactly a nice smile, though it was not directed towards him. "I'll add that to the list of things we can chat about," she said, though she doubted Dean's dick would be a topic of conversation very often. "Is that all the Latin you know?"

[single_man_tear]

“I know enough to be dangerous. There’s a couple of summonings I know and a couple of other exorcisms,” Dean said with a shrug. For some reason he was very suspicious of this line of questioning. “Why?”

[deathsmajesty]

"Because I'm learning it," Liliana said, gesturing to him. "It would be more helpful if you were having a conversation so then I could get more of the syntax and vocabulary, but this is a decent enough start."

[single_man_tear]

"Yeah, well I'm not fluent. I just know enough to send bad things to other places," Dean snarked back. "Which apparently does not include chairs that try to eat me. Or my lunch."

That was going to be a nice burrito damn it.

[deathsmajesty]

"Well, you're cranky today," Liliana noted. "How did my chair eat your lunch?"

[single_man_tear]

"Apparently since it can't get a steady of human flesh it decided to snatch my steak and bean burrito out of my hand," Dean grumbled.

[deathsmajesty]

"Well look at you, darling," Liliana congratulated the chair. "You've learned a new trick!" She looked back up at Dean. "Until you arrived, it just would skitter up and pretend to be a normal chair, occasionally bumping into people to get them to trip. I think it likes you!"

[single_man_tear]

"Do not encourage the chair. It's a bad chair. Bad," Dean said scolding said chair. "It does not like me. It likes eating my food!"

Chances are it was just trying to eat his hand and got the burrito.

[deathsmajesty]

"Perhaps because you've got it chained up?" Liliana suggested.

You know, because sometimes the obvious needed saying.

"Honestly, I get by with threats and shaming." She turned to the chair. "As much fun as stealing Dean's food is, it's not good chair behavior. Behave, or I'll remove your upholstery and turn it into a blanket."

[single_man_tear]

"It got chained up after it ate my burrito," Dean grumbled.

He was glaring at that chair. GLARING.

[deathsmajesty]

Liliana sighed and turned back to the chair. "No," she said sternly, wagging a finger at it. "You may try to trick him or trip him, but no jumping."

There, Dean. Better?

[single_man_tear]

"Fine!" Dean grunted. "But if it eats another one of my burritos I'm burning it and using it to roast marshmallows."

Just not around Arden.

[deathsmajesty]

Liliana nodded. "That's an excellent threat. I usually make mine around other furniture-related things so it has a better likelihood of understanding. More ephemeral or metaphorical threats likely just don't sink in."

Look at all this workplace encouragement she was giving him. 10/10 excellent bossing.

[single_man_tear]

You lost Dean at "ephemeral"

"Right. So what? Threaten to strip its finish? Reupholster it with a print from the 80's?"

[deathsmajesty]

"I mean, I've threatened to tie it to a termite hill, to go after it with varnish stripper, to gut its upholstery...so yes," Liliana said. "Though I doubt it understands what you mean by the 80's. I don't."

She looked thoughtful. "Or perhaps it just needs enrichment. Take it to the park, let it attack birds or something."

[single_man_tear]

"Right," Dean scoffed. "Like that'll work."

Though his expression wasn't totally dismissive of the idea.

[deathsmajesty]

"Well, darling," Liliana was compelled to point out, "neither is whatever you're doing here."

[single_man_tear]

"Whatever," he grumbled. "It's a stupid chair that eats things. That's not natural."

[deathsmajesty]

"It's perfectly natural," Liliana said. "It's doing what it was made to do. Someone chose to make a chair into an ambush predator, and so they did. Saying that's unnatural is like saying wine is unnatural, or bread."

[single_man_tear]

Dean sputtered at that. "Oh yeah! You know what bread doesn't eat? Bread!"

There's logic there if you squint at it.

[deathsmajesty]

"The chair isn't eating other chairs," Liliana pointed out.

Sweetly.

[single_man_tear]

“… You’re fired.”

No he does not have that authority. At all.

[deathsmajesty]

"You want to deal with paperwork?" Liliana asked.

Somehow, she felt like the answer was no.

[single_man_tear]

Ugh.

“Fine. I’m letting this go. But I want reimbursement for my burrito.”

[deathsmajesty]

"I'm certain it's covered by the money I gave you yesterday," Liliana drawled. "You're fine."