fandomtownies | Caritas, Monday Evening

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Caritas, Monday Evening

Jarod wasn't behind the bar, but that was because he was helping GOB arrange things for his surprise Christmas present to Becky, who had definitely been acting pretty strangely the night before. He couldn't imagine that GOB's gift was going to help that situation much. He was once again convinced that his employer had lost his mind.

The zombies seemed to be doing a lot of snickering as they watched the proceedings, but that was until Jarod went to go change into the costume GOB had given him to wear, at which time they almost hurt themselves laughing.

[ooc: The bar is posted early to accommodate plottiness. Please feel free to gawk either IC or OOC.]

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When he saw that Becky was in the audience, GOB cued his music. "The Final Countdown (with Jingle Bell Accompaniment)" sounded fairly bizarre, but it set the mood. It was a mood of confusion, and slight distaste, all the better for overwhelming someone with gifts.

GOB walked out onto the stage and went into his typical opening - knife in mouth, handkercheif chains in sleeve, cards in hand... - when he suddenly pointed to Becky, walked to the front of the stage, went down to a knee, reached into his pocket, and pulled something out in his closed hands. GOB pointed his closed hands toward Becky and grinned. "Rebekah Vartan, would you do me the honor... of accepting seventy-eight gifts?" GOB opened his hands and suddenly with a burst of smoke a dove flew out like a bird who had been in a man's pants pocket for hours!

"Because that's what you're getting! This is GOB Bluth's Twelve Days of Christmas, where we only need the last day because the other eleven are crap!" A banner reading exactly that fell from the ceiling, showing up in all of its glory behind GOB. "First I give you... twelve drummers drumming!"

Twelve toy wind-up drummer monkeys (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v298/theusual/GOB12DoC/drummers.jpg) began a march up the stage, drumming their little fake monkey hearts out.

This was all clearly insane.

Becky wasn't drunk enough for this.

She had a flask, though, and had started swigging as soon as he'd gone down on one knee.

When he'd used her full name, she had the distinct feeling that she was going to faint, even though she'd never done so without sustaining near-lethal injuries as a cause.

But when he finished that damn sentence, Becky sat in stunned silence for a moment before bursting into hysterical, relieved laughter.

Thankfully, it was timed just well enough that it might have just seemed like she was laughing at the monkeys.

"Next on the list is eleven pipers piping!" GOB said. "So I've gone ahead and purchased eleven plumbing fixtures for the Sin! I'm sure Jarod will install them for you."

Tino came out, dragging a trampoline to the front of the stage. "And now I give to you... ten lords a-leaping!" GOB walked backstage and brought out a cart with ten nativity baby Jesuses. He picked a Jesus doll up and lifted it high. "Leap, Lord, leap!" GOB then spiked the Son of God into the trampoline and watched it bounce into the audience.

He went on to spike the other nine Jesii as well.

Jarod, dressed in a bright green and red elf costume, complete with green tights, and a red hat and shoes with bells on them, was obligingly trying to catch the Jesii in a brown wicker laundry basket.

He got most of them, but the second to last Son of God took a header into the nearest zombie, who ran away in horror to hide under the band riser. Once they were caught (and gathered), Jarod set the basket down, bowed quickly to Becky, and stood next to the stage to wait for his next duty.

Becky really hoped Jarod was being paid really, really, really, really well for this.

She was still giggling.

"And now," GOB said as Tino dragged the trampoline away, "nine very familiar ladies dancing, followed by eight maids a-milking!"

Nine of the ladies from the Sin came out and danced. It was not the kind of dancing you would likely see on Christmas unless you went to a special kind of club.

Eventually one of the ladies broke off and went backstage to retrieve a cart with eight glasses of milk. The remaining dancers each took a glass of milk and danced with them.

GOB had a big grin on his face when he spoke up again. "Thank you, ladies. A very merry Christmas to all of you."

"Did he pay for them?" Becky hissed to Jarod.

"Yes, of course he did," Jarod whispered back. "Plus extra for the milk."

"And now, let's slow it down for just a minute," GOB said. "Because while you and I are both beautiful, Becky, so is nature." A projection screen lowered and a movie started on it. The opening credits read:

GOB Bluth Presents:
Seven Swans a-Swimming
Part of GOB Bluth's Twelve Days of Christmas

A quiet, more peaceful version of "The Final Countdown" played as the video showed a pond. On the video, GOB walked over to the pond and his prerecorded voice spoke, "Nature is beautiful, just like me and you, Becky. The swan is an example of that beauty. It may not look as good naked, but a naked bird is dinner."

The camera zoomed in to the pond, showing a swan swimming. The picture then cut and showed the same swan from a different angle. "Here we see the swan, swimming like a duck. Oh, and here's another one. We sure do have a lot of swans in here today." After five more cuts to the same swan, the camera focused on GOB again. "In conclusion, nature is beautif-- OW!" GOB yelled as the swan attacked. "What the *BEEP*? *BEEP*ing swan! What the *BEEP* are you doing?" The swan made another move towards him. "Come on, *BEEP BEEP*!" GOB yelled, pulling his fist back to throw a punch.

The video cut off and showed several seconds of blue screen.

Becky wasn't exactly watching so much as facepalming by now.

The video restarted with a new title screen

GOB Bluth Presents:
Six Geese a-Laying
Part of GOB Bluth's Twelve Days of Christmas

The quiet "Final Countdown" played again as GOB appeared in front of a different pond, his face riddled with scratches and a black eye. "But not everything in nature is beautiful in the same way. And it doesn't always work the way you expect. Did you know that a drunk goose just passes out?" The video cut to a goose laying on the ground. It twitched slightly. "But sometimes, if you can set the mood, something beautiful happens."

The music changed to Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On" as three minutes of a flock of geese having sex amid indistinct yelling and flower throwing. GOB apparently thought "geese a-laying" meant an orgy. It was best not to speculate how he got geese to do these things.

At one point a rock was thrown at the geese, and they broke off their relations and turned to charge at the rock thrower. "*BEEP*!" GOB ran, followed closely by six angry geese in heat. The video cut to GOB, his clothes looking worse for wear and his face not appearing much better, saying, "And that... is the beauty of nature. This has been GOB Bluth."

The end credits ran, and the house lights turned back on to show GOB on stage actively repressing the trauma.

Becky was staring, clearly also traumatized.

"When'd this happen?" she wondered.

"Couple weeks ago. I was out of town for a few days," GOB said, feeling that would explain why his scratches and bruises weren't seen before.

The zombies started playing their music again and GOB reached into his pocket to pull something out. He walked to the front of the stage and sang, "FIIIIIIIIVE! GOOOOOOOOOOLD! RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!" and kneeled down to hold out five gold rings - without diamonds on them, for the record - for Becky.

Becky stared in abject horror, before she realized it was just jewelry and not a proposal. "Ooh," she said, smiling. "Stop kneeling."

It might have been noticed at this point that Tino had left the bar area at some point. That wasn't important yet.

GOB rose from his knee and gave a strange look before going backstage to bring out another cart. "Lightning round! Four calling birds --" GOB held up four birdcall whistles, "-- three French hens --" GOB put the whistles down and held up three eggs with the French flag painted on them, "-- two turtle doves..." GOB put down the eggs and held up a turtle and a Barry White CD.

"...I don't get it?"

Yes, it was a question.

"Play the music and get Jackie and the turtle to make some turtledoves the old fashioned way," GOB said.

For the record, he had no clue what gender the turtle was. To be fair, he also had no clue what gender Jackie-bird was, so it didn't matter too much anyway.

"..."

Becky just stared at the turtle for awhile. "Okay."

"And for the finale, I give you... A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREEEEEEE!"

The curtains on stage were pulled aside to show a pear tree. In the tree was Tino, dressed like Danny Partridge (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v298/theusual/GOB12DoC/dannypartridgea.jpg), guitar and all.

Becky was back to laughing. "...what did you do to him?"

"He's Danny Partridge. He was part of a band before you were born," GOB said, dating himself.

Tino looked like he really wanted to get down from the tree already.

"Wow." Becky was just staring really hard. "Do I get to keep all of this?"

"Except for Tino. You get the costume, though," GOB said.

He smiled warmly. "Merry Christmas, Becky."

While all of this was going on, Jarod jingled his way over to Tino with a stepladder and helped him down out of the tree.

As soon as his feet hit the floor, Tino went stomping off, muttering something about "should have been Keith." Jarod figured he wouldn't be back.

"Merry Christmas," Becky replied, still smiling.

Hey, she wasn't getting married. This made her happy.

They're in a ridiculously good mood.

Jarod's behind the bar, as is Tino. There's nog and mulled drinks in addition to the regular selection.

"Thanks for all your help, Jarod," GOB said after his presentation. He presented a box (http://www.amazon.com/Savory-Spirits-Liquor-Gift-Basket/dp/B000CBJWU6/sr=8-2/qid=1167088528/ref=sr_1_2/102-2274503-8227366?ie=UTF8&s=gourmet-food). "This is for you. Merry Christmas."

"You're welcome," Jarod said, "that was the most unique presentation in which I've ever been involved." He slid a small box containing a number (http://www.copsplus.com/prodnum1199.php) of (http://www.copsplus.com/prodnum1201.php) smaller (http://www.handcuffwarehouse.com/amstkey.html) items (http://www.handcuffwarehouse.com/smitwesstank.html) across to GOB. "Merry Christmas."

"That's a lot of handcuff keys," GOB said. "Thanks. You have no idea how many keys I've lost in my stomach over the years."

"It is," Jarod nodded, "but I wouldn't want you to not have the right...I'm sorry, did you say lost in your stomach?"

"For illusions," GOB said. "You have to hide the key in your mouth. If you're really good, you can hide it in your throat. There's a lot of trial and error there."

"I mean, you can get them back, but either way you do it isn't pleasant, you know?"

Jarod was trying not to stare at GOB. "I...see. Yes."

"You never want to put those keys in your mouth again," GOB said, shaking his head.

"No, I guess you wouldn't," Jarod smirked a little. "Thank you very much for the gift, GOB. Is Becky still speaking to you?"

"She actually seems really happy with her gifts," GOB said, kind of amazed. These things never turned out this well for him. "She freaked out a little at the rings, though. No clue why."

"No idea," Jarod was just as amazed. "She was in a weird mood yesterday, though. Maybe it's just being away from her mom."

"She wasn't this weird last year," GOB said. She was. Just not about this. "Maybe she's just gone insane. ...er."

"I don't think I'd suggest that, if I were you," Jarod said quickly.

"Of course not," GOB said. "Not unless she's really drunk."

Jarod was beginning to think he should have bought GOB a bulletproof vest. "Right." He cleared his throat.

"Anyway, I should probably get back over by her and see if I can get her drunk," GOB said. "Have yourself a merry little Christmas, Jarod."

"Merry Christmas to you too," Jarod called after him, "and good luck!"

For the quieter gawking.

And me, without an elf icon.

I'm insane!

Yes, and?

And merry Christmas.

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Caritas, Monday Evening

GOB's Gift

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The Band

The Bar

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The Lounge

OOC

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