fandomtownies | Groovy Tunes, Tuesday

Here and now, I feel that I'm embracing freedom

After closing up his office for the day, Murdock headed down to the music shop. "Hey Alice." He didn't bother with any of his usual preamble. Just strode in and up to her, a quick glance noting her change in attire. Seems Reno was onto something there about Alice being 'better'.

"How you doing?" So many possible answers for so simple a question.

"Good afternoon," she said, offering him what appeared to be a curtsy, if somewhat abridged from her usual. They were somewhat difficult to accomplish while wearing trousers, she was discovering.

"I'm ... well, thank you," she said, looking somewhat confused by that. "I believe I am. As well as I can be. Perhaps not as well as I could be. I'm not certain. I'm still trying to see, I suppose. Is that an answer? It doesn't seem like one."

He didn't mind the curtsy, seemed unnecessary to him anyway. Why curtsy him? He wasn't anything special.

"I think that's a good answer," he replied, smiling a little. "I heard about ya." Hearing Alice's name listed as one of the kidnapped during the radio broadcast felt a lot like somebody had hit him. "I just wanted to see how you were doing." Make sure you were okay. "So I thought I'd stop in and check."

"I'm afraid I got taken as a result of my own stupidity," Alice admitted, flushing slightly at that. "I heard there were demons and spirits around, and I took my vorpal blade out to fight them. One overpowered me, and ..."

She trailed off, trying not to remember the cavern. Fire burning asylum Mum Dad the handle never left never --

She cleared her throat and looked up again. "All's well that end's well, I suppose. I seem to be all right. I shouldn't like to go back there vacationing."

"Not any less stupid than what I did. I thought bullets would hurt 'em," he shrugged lightly, "turned out they don't."

He frowned a little at that skip. Something sure as heck had happened down there but Murdock wasn't about to ask. That was up to Alice if she felt like offering it. If perhaps she realized that she could.

"I reckon," he replied a bit absently. "I don't think anybody would want to go there, darlin'." Couldn't help but wonder what he would've seen if he'd been taken. Add to the nightmares.

"As long as you're okay, I'm glad," he smiled faintly. "I was worried about ya, girl." His gaze shifted quickly downward. Shoes were very interesting.

Edited 2008-06-24 18:13 (UTC)

Alice flushed again at that, dropping him a much more respectful curtsy this time.

"Your thoughts are appreciated. I'm quite all right. They had ... where I was, I seemed to be ... not quite myself. Perhaps sitting to myself, I got too far too brooding; perhaps the rooms were ... dark, themselves. It was cold, and then someone was telling me I needed to leave, and ..."

She paused, uncertain how to explain it. "He said that if I ... wanted to atone, it was easier to do it out of a dark cavern than sitting there, loathing myself, and somehow that made a great deal of sense to me. So I left."

He just smiled at that. She really didn't need to curtsey to him, but he suspected it was more from habit than anything else. Maybe that would one day follow the way of her dress. Perhaps she really was all right.

The smile faded however, as she described the cell. Brooding inside ones' own head seemed to be a common theme down there. Loathing herself? Why? And... "Atone?" he asked quietly. "For what?"

And he had a feeling he knew exactly who 'he' was.

Alice's shoes were now the ones that were very interesting. Better that she tell him, and earn whatever reproach he may have. Very well.

"When I was ... young," she said, hesitantly, "there was a fire. They ... my family. I could hear them, screaming. They couldn't get out. I did."

(ooc: A-OK. I just went AFK for a while myself. Woo, back!)

"And you think you need to atone for that?" he asked quietly, looking back up at her. Not that she seemed to notice, occupied by the ground as it was. "Wasn't your fault, Alice," he continued. "Just because you lived and they didn't, doesn't mean you did anything wrong."

Ah, guilt. Guilt for managing to make it out alive. He knew that one.

"I saved myself," she said, shaking her head. "I'm a coward. Mum, Dad, Ina, and Edith, all gone, because I couldn't be bothered to try --"

Murdock studied his own shoes for a moment, chewing his lip a little trying to figure out the best reply to that. "What do you think you could've done?," he asked gently. "Could you have helped them?" Murdock shook off some of his own memories, right then. Now wasn't the time.

He looked back over at Alice. Alice who'd lost so many so young... Wait. "How old were you when it happened?"

Edited 2008-06-25 06:18 (UTC)

"I might have ... gone to the kitchen. Found a knife and hacked at the doorknob. Hurled myself at the door until it broke. I could reach the window; they couldn't." That only worked for her parents, but once free, they could have found Ina and Edith together, couldn't they? Three of them against that wall of fire ...

"I was ... just past seven-and-a-half," she said. "Nearly a month or so past."

And what was on the other side of that door? Perhaps it was already too late. "You're not a coward, Alice." Like a seven year-old kid would be expected to drag four people out of a fire. "You were just a kid." Probably a kid who'd been scared out of her mind. ...Well.

"I think you're blaming yourself incorrectly." He let out a long sigh and shook his head a little. "I wasn't there, so I can't say what you could have done or not, but I can't see how a kid your age would have." He looked back over at her, "You're a tough kid, Alice, I know it. But you were still practically a baby when it happened. I think you're putting too much on yourself."

"I heard them screaming," she said softly. "I j-jumped, out the window, and I heard them screaming. And then they stopped, and that ... was worse."

She closed her eyes. "I wish I knew how to tell them. Maybe there was nothing I could have done, but maybe I could have tried. Maybe ... I gave up too soon."

Screams that you still hear in nightmares. The cold silence that follows... "Yah," he nodded slowly. "I know what you mean."

"Did you? Try to tell them, I mean?" Something wasn't adding up right. If she just jumped out the window without doing anything, how did a door figure into it? Why would she think she should have tried to break through the door if she'd just gone straight out the window? "You tried to get where they were?" He was looking to see where the details led. Could make a huge difference.

He frowned as he watched her. So full of pain. Maybe Alice was better, just like Reno had said, but there still seemed to be a way to go yet.

She was staring at the floor again. Fascinating floor, the way it never moved at all. Reassuring like that.

"I awoke and the room was on fire," she said slowly. "It started in my room, but I could ... get to the hall. I found their door. Mum and Dad's. They were screaming. I was screaming. The handle scorched my hand. They said ..."

Get out of the house, Alice!

"Th-they said to go," she continued, voice shaking. "To leave them there. I did. I threw myself out the window. I lived. None of them did. I didn't even try to help. They said to run and ... I was too scared to ..."

Floors could be very interesting, sure. Right now, Murdock was more interested in her.

"Doorknob was hot." It was all in the details. "You realize what that means, right?" he asked carefully. It was too late. Fire was already there. Probably nothing she could have done even if she wanted to.

Go and leave. Save yourselves. Trapped with no way out. Murdock shrugged that bit off too. "They wanted you to be safe, Alice," he replied softly. "What parent doesn't want that for their kid? Kinda goes with the territory. You did what they asked you to." He hesitated a moment, but eventually reached out and gently placed a hand on her arm. "You're safe now, just like they wanted you to be. There's nothing to atone for there."

Maybe, just maybe, she'd believe it too.

"It meant I couldn't open the door," she said quietly. "I tried but ... I couldn't."

Why hadn't she gone to her room for an extra pinafore? If the handle was too hot to touch, then she could have wrapped cloth around it, turned it like that. If not cloth, then some other way to get the door down. Surely there must have been an ax somewhere in the house ...

She took a long, ragged breath, grateful for his hand. "I did what they asked. Perhaps that wasn't enough. I wish ... I miss them."

She wasn't going to cry. Crying was thoroughly unbecoming. She was going to pull it together, Alice.

To tell her the truth or not. Murdock mulled that over for a long moment. "It means there's nothing you could have done, Alice." Too late for them. "They knew that and that's why they told you to leave. Nothing you could do to save them." If he emphasized it enough, perhaps it would get through.

Crying was fine if she really wanted to. It wasn't unbecoming at all. Not for something like this. "I'm so, so sorry, Alice. I wish I could bring them back for you." His own breath was just as long as hers as he gave her arm a small, gently reassuring squeeze. "I wish I could make it better for you, really I do, but I can't. I can only try to help you. If you let me."

"If I could get out ..." Alice's mind kept circling back to that point. "If I could reach the window, maybe the door could have let them reach me. We could have all jumped. Could have gone to Ina and Edith together ..."

Somehow, through that mass of thick smoke and rising flames. There had to be a way, didn't there?

She closed her eyes. Not crying. Well done, Alice.

"How is it that you can ... help me?"

Open the door and let the flames take you instead. "I don't think it would have worked like that, Alice. Probably why they told you to get out." No, he didn't want to tell her the truth. They were probably screaming because they knew it was too late for them. Screaming because they at least wanted her to get out if they couldn't.

He frowned as he watched her regain control of herself. Not well done, Alice. Isn't good to keep it bottled up like that. Only makes things worse later on. He let out a long sigh and slid over until his arm was brushing hers. "By bein' your friend. Giving you someone to talk to. Somebody who knows a bit of what it's like." He glanced down at her, "Maybe not exactly the same, but darn close in some ways. Might be enough."

They had told her to get out; somehow, when she loathed herself, called herself selfish and horrible, she always dismissed that entirely. But they had.

No excusing yourself on that account, Alice.

No. Of course not. But it helped, some, in some strange way.

"Who is it that ... you lost?" she asked carefully, glancing up at him. "Was it fire, as well?"

"No, nothing like that," he shook his head. Oh look. There's that floor again. So exciting, really. "My mom died when I was five. I went to my grandparents. They died a few years back." He shrugged absently, "Never knew who my daddy was." ~~because canon never mentioned one, suck~~

"Don't have anybody else except a few friends who turned into my family."

"They gave me a sibling, here," Alice said, still surprised by that. "They hand you a sibling and tell you you're to help one another out. It's a bit ... astonishing. And nice to have, I must say."

"I got a buddy," he replied. "Haven't talked him expect just that once. Maybe I should..." he trailed off for a second there. He'd heard something about Steve having to go to the clinic after that night. He should at least call him. "I might wanna catch up with him at some point."

"How's your sibling? Nice kid?" Murdock had no clue the students had siblings, but suddenly the 'big brother/big sister' remarks on the radio made sense. He'd been wondering why it seemed like so many of the kids here were related.

"You should," Alice smiled. "They have ... devices here, that let you speak to someone much faster than writing a letter. If you have those in your home, you could talk to him today. And my new brother is lovely. He came to my room this morning to make sure I was all right. It's lovely to have family once again, you know."

He grinned at that. "Telephones you mean? Yah, I got one. I could do that."

"Your brother sounds nice. And I know what you mean. If it wasn't for my friends..." bringing him back to reality, "I don't know where I'd be right now." Still stuck in the hospital, probably with a permanent padded room.

"Rebuilding your family," he nodded, "that's one way to do it."

"Yes, those," she said, nodding. "They weren't of my time. I still don't understand how they work over large distances, but I've been reassured that they do."

Family. It was ... amazing to think she could have a new one. She'd thought it was lost to her forever.

He grinned. "I could explain it to ya, but it's probably borin'. Do you have one? In your dorm somewhere?" Murdock was getting an idea here. "Cos you could call me if you ever needed somethin'," he offered quietly.

in what is becoming a growing trend for Murdock to look after teenage girls. NOT DIRTY. *snerk*
and html is not my friend on less than one cup of java. ugh.

Edited 2008-06-26 12:04 (UTC)

Even though I may be alone, but that's okay

And looking out to a different sky will disengage me

Absence is never the answer, I know, but it serves as my shade

Groovy Tunes, Tuesday

Talk to Alice

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