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Luke's Diner, May 3 (Monday)

There was nothing new about Lacey being in early and polishing the sides of the coffee machine to an unnecessary level of shine. There was, for that matter, nothing new about the metal strips edging the counter getting the same treatment, or the doorknob, or even the service bell.

(This wasn't entirely because she liked things clean; the occasional flashes of reflected sunlight tended to catch the busboy in the eyes right at some inopportune moment when he was trying to pull a prank. Oh, yeah. She was clever like that. It was a shame she wasn't more consistent about it.)

Opening the cash register to count the till and witnessing a geyser of Raisinets as they sprang forth from the pennies, though -- that was new.

But yummy.

Today's Specials
Herbed Balsamic Chicken with Blue Cheese
Nectarine-Blackberry Crisp
Five Bean Picnic Salad

NOW HIRING - See Manager for Details
Weekend shifts available!

Luke's is open, and caught somewhere between the movie theater and Old Faithful, apparently.

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Or catch some Raisinets. Go on. You know you wanna.

Although nothing is stopping you from catching some Raisinets while you do, either.

As Angua took a long seventh-inning stretch from the office baseball game, she slid onto her usual stool, looked at one of the Raisinets sitting on the counter, and arched an eyebrow very pointedly.

"Unwelcome visitors, Lacey?" she asked. "Bit of an..." She lowered her voice, leaning in to keep it between just the two of them, "

"Infestation?" Lacey yelped loud enough to draw a chorus of snickers from the kitchen. "No! No no no, there are no rodents here! None! It's just candy, see?"

She snagged a Raisinet from the counter and made a huge show of eating it. "Really yummy candy. See? Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Good."

She might have had a lot of it already. That just added to the entertainment value.

"Are..." Angua's expression grew even more skeptical and a little worried for Lacey's sanity as she still considered the Raisinettes with doubtful reproach, "Are you sure?"

"I've been nibbling on them all morning," Lacey told her cheerfully. (Her sanity, for the record, was highly questionable on several fronts depending on who you asked.) "They're perfectly fine, honest. No health-department concerns here!"

She'd cleaned the coins out of the drawer compartment where the geyser was originating an hour ago.

"Well, that's a pity, then," said Angua with a sigh. "I was almost in the mood for some hometown cooking."

Hometown cooking? With the lovely specials she had today? Pout.

"Well, if it helps, I can toss them in the corner of the storage room with the dust bunnies for a few minutes and then give them to you. It probably won't have quite the same taste as Ankh-Morpork dust, but it'll do, right?"

Lacey, don't make jokes. You're awful at them.

"Maybe if we threw in drunken dwarf or two," said Angua. "This town lacks a little in drunken dwarfs, I'm not going to lie. But I think I'll be okay."

She nodded toward the specials board. "What are the five beans?"

"Green beans, yellow wax beans, kidney beans, black-eyed peas ~~that Mary Ann and Wanda haven't touched, honest~~, and garbanzo beans," Lacey recited, ticking them off on her fingers.

That being a subject she could talk about with some authority, she addressed it before blinking at Angua. "My radio cohost is short and surly, even though she's on the wagon, would that do in a pinch?"

"What?" asked Angua, whose mind had officially switched over to beans, but she did a U turn easily enough. "Oh! The dwarfs. Right. No, it's fine. I mean, any illusion we could have tried was just ruined by the fact that you could name every ingredients without a single 'um' or 'er'."

"Well." Lacey bobbed her head from side to side a few times in a misguided attempt to add some self-deprecation to her pleased smile. "I did come up with the recipe, of course."

Which was to say she'd come up with the vinaigrette dressing and altered some of the herbs and seasonings from the recipe she'd found. Hush.

"Should I be a lot less authoritative about explaining the food to you next time?"

"Oh, no," Angua shook a hand in front of her. "Knowing precisely what's in your food, other than a bunch of questionables, is actually surprisingly refreshing, actually."

Besides, she'd hate to take that away from Lacey.

And there was the head-bob thing again, along with the pathetically cheerful smile. "I try to make it a policy here, not a change of pace."

Was someone snickering in the back?

Nah.

"We'll just have to make sure it makes up for the lack of drunken dwarfs, in that case."

"I'll survive," said Angua, with a nod of her own, although her nods were always so terribly cop-like. "Somehow."

Pause.

"Although maybe if you got a troll..."

Flash-cut to the soft-focus fantasy diner interior, and a giant, hulking troll crashing through the doorframe to sit at the counter, where his knees promptly go through the paneling half a second before the stool crumples beneath him.

Close on Lacey, wide-eyed.

***

Flash-cut again to Lacey on the phone.

LACEY: Hi. I'd like to inquire if my insurance policy covers accidental troll damage . . . what do you mean, not if it's incurred in the act of standard diner patronage?!?

***

"Oh, no," Lacey said quickly. "I don't think the layout of this place is very troll-friendly. They do have one up at the dorms, though. A dancing troll custodian. It's kind of nifty."

"Dancing?" asked Angua, who then tried to think of that verb applied to Detritus and...no. Just no.

"That's...got to be a sight," she said, frowning to show exactly what kind of thought she thought it might be.

"I've never actually seen it. But I've heard," Lacey had to admit, deflating a little; she did actually want to see that."Oh, gosh, I don't know. Maybe he wants to eat sometimes, too, and the non-troll-friendliness of this place is keeping him away?"

And now she was going to feel bad.

"Clearly," said Angua, "you need more minerals and slag on your menu."

"There's plenty of minerals!" Lacey objected. "And vitamins, and fiber, and nutrients in general. Slag, on the other hand . . ."

She wrinkled her nose and waved a hand in an uncertain gesture. "That I'm not sure about."

Where there seems to be a postcard from Yellowstone National Park anyway. How thematic.

Cheesecake and a bottle of birch soda right before bed were quite tasty, but I do not recommend it.

Just FYI.

Nectarine-blackberry crisp is real? Please tell me it's real and not some magically delicious made up food.

Apparently it is!

Trufax: I totally downloaded the Epicurious iPhone app just so I could come up with recipes for the specials board. That was one of them.

Why must it not be nectarine season? Whyyyyyyyyyyyy? Note to self: find canned nectarines.

Oooh Epicurious. Time to go get that!

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Luke's Diner, May 3 (Monday)

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