fandomtownies | Caritas, Thursday evening

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"I'll give ya three tries to guess what I'm gonna order, Crazy Kenzi!" Butters said, sliding on up to a stool and wiggling a little onto it until he was comfortable.

Kenzi grinned. "Mother's Milk?" she teased. "Missing home?"

Butters just laughed, shaking his head at poor Crazy Kenzi. "Oh, Kenzi," he said, "I haven't had mother's milk since I was four! That's just silly. Guess again!"

...bzuh?

She was already filling a glass with root beer, though, and said, "If it's not this, I'm drinking it myself." She stared at him. "Four?"

Butters nodded in approval of the proper beverage of choice. "And, yeah. Mother's milk, why, that's the best for you, but around four, you got to be ready to eat big boy food because that's what they eat in preschool. Speakin' of which, you didn't have any crazy kids runnin' around last weekend or nothin', did you? I bet you did, because you seem like you might be the type to have a lot of wanton sex and not use protection on accident or something. No offense. Me..."

Butters drew in a deep breath, linking his fingers together to stretch a little before settling into a proud position. "No Stotch Bastards runnin' around Fandom, no siree! I'm proud to say it looks like I can keep it in my pants pretty good after all."

Even if the actual events of the weekend might suggest otherwise. AHEM.

Butters' liiiife. Butters' parents. It made her glad her own parents were out of the picture. Holy wow.

"None taken," Kenzi said dryly, mouth twitching. Offense could be taken, but this was Candy. "Maybe you're just good at using protection. Or your potential babymamas are. Or your kids are too smart to go through a portal." She smirked. "I mean, if Kim Kardashian said she wanted your baby, what would you do?"

Oh, Kenzi. Why do you fill the boy's head with such wonderful things? Butters's grin grew sloppy and wide, as if too big for his face, and he let out a happy, dreamy sigh.

"I would be the happiest man in the world," he gushed, sighing again. He shook his head wistfully. "'Cause then we'd be married, and I'd be Mr. Kim Kadashian, because you can't have babies unless you're married."

Because in another life she was a CIA interrogator. Probably.

"You can't?" That would be news to a lot of people, although it was worth it for Kenzi to see Butters devolve into goo. "Are you sure? This is Kim we're talking about. She does what she wants." She grinned. "And maybe I had kids. Possibly. But not like, a zillion. Just two."

"Well, you can," said Butters, giving Kenzi a look of disapproval, "but I wouldn't recommend it. An' it's true, Kim Kardashian can do what she wants, but I'd try to get her on the right path if she wanted to go have a kid all out of wedlock and everything."

He took a thoughtful sip of his root beer. "Two's not bad. Did you know who your babydaddies were?"

"Why not?" It was always entertaining to get Butters going on these rants. "Do bad things happen to little unmarried-spawn-outcomes?"

"I did! Toby was one of them. For Ellie." Kenzi paused. "At one point, Vlad claimed you were his babydaddy." Muahahah. Because her child was evil.

To Kenzi's question, Butters just raised a pointed eyebrow. "Were your parents married?" he asked.

To the rest of it, he just shook his head, "And we couldn't have had a kid together, Kenzi, because I'd never have sex with you."

Simple as that, really. He seemed pretty darned confident on that point, too.

"At some point." Not missing his point at all, especially since she'd just disproven it. "Not even if you were drunk or high on sex hormones and it was either have sex or die? Really?" C'mon now.

"Nope!" said Butters brightly, having just a bit too much fun with this. "Not even if you and me were the last people on earth. I'd just let the human race die out at that point."

He was, of course, completely full of crap. But that was beside the point.

Totally beside the point. Kenzi was pouring herself a Diet Coke, then leaning on the bar with the cleavage-lean that had made Karla splutter when she aimed it at Nommy.

"Candy, I find it hard to believe you'd let the human race down," she said, slurping on her drink. "Also, Vlad never did tell me who his father was. You don't know! We could experimented on by the government!"

"Well, think about it," offered Butters, not to be taken in by such cheap tricks...well, okay, maybe a little bit. "If we were the last people on earth, and we were to breed, it wouldn't be good for the sake of humanity, because then humanity would be half-crazy. With a name like Vlad, I'll bet it wasn't me who was his potential babydaddy, but the Ungroundable, which means maybe you'll be a vampire in the future, too. I could believe that. A whole lot more than the government trying to do tests on us to make crazy offspring. If they were gonna do that, they'd breed you with Eric Cartman."

Butters literally shuddered at the thought.

"The what now?" Kenzi asked, intrigued. "Are his parents married? Either of them, the Ungroundable or this Eric Cartman person."

"Well, the Ungroundable," Butters explained, "that's me, but when I was a vampire, and, boy, let me tell you, that's something I don't ever want to be again! It was real nice, not being able the be grounded and everything, but have you ever tasted blood? Blech! No, thank you! And, nope, Eric's parents aren't married. Matter of fact, no one even knows who Eric's mom is. Everyone thought it was his mom, but it turns out his mom's actually his dad, 'cause his mom's a hermaphrolite, and some other lady is probably Eric's real mom."

"... you got over being a vampire," Kenzi said, tone deadpan. "How long did that last?" She grinned. "The Ungroundable would think I'm hot, wouldn't he."

Not really a question.

And... "Okay, that's... okay." A slow nod. "I can see the first part of your argument. What's so bad about Eric Cartman, though?"

Butters was going to deny comment on any off his different personalities thinking Kenzi was hot.

He was just going to stare at her for a little bit and shake his head. "Ohhhhh, boy," he said, sighing as he looked at his emptying root beer. "I'm gonna need a lot more of these if I'm going to tell you all about Eric Cartman, Kenzi, and it would have to not be a school night because it would sure take a long time. I don't eve know where to begin. Well, maybe...let's just say, Eric Cartman's the kind of guy who will eat off all the skin from the KFC when you're not lookin', and that...well...that's just the tip of the iceberg, too."

Kenzi snickered. "I'll put it on my calendar... Our kids would rule the universe, though." Yes!

"So what did you think of the little kids -- and bigger kids-- you did see?" Kenzi asked. "Do you want any, aside from Kim Kardashian's?"

"Well, sure," said Butters, shrugging his shoulders, "I'd love to have kids some day, get married and start a family and all that stuff, but not for a good long time. I was kinda glad that I didn't have any kids that I knew about, but, it, uhhh, was kind of neat to see some kids that other people might have."

And the more Butters talked, the more he started tapping his fingers together and diverting his eyes and blushing an awful lot.

Heh. Heh. Heh.

"Meet anyone in particular?" Kenzi pursued that line. "Those three triplets I heard about? Or hey, did you run into a girl named Ellie?" Her lips pursed. "Or a guy with wings?"

Toby... could count on one hand the number of times he'd been in Caritas. He knew it was Kenzi's night to work though, which is why he was here tonight. He didn't really have any specific agenda in mind, just kinda wanted to stop in and say hi. He grinned when he saw the sign.

"She apparently made friends with an eight-legged pony and they went on a joyride around the island," he offered, sliding in to a seat at the bar.

"You are shitting me," Kenzi accused him, but she was grinning hugely, and already pouring him a coke. "Clearly she gets that from you."

"Because I know so many mutant ponies," Toby rolled his eyes. As far as he knew, there was pretty much just the one on-island. Well. Unless that time everyone was ponies counted.

"I hope you got pix of that," Kenzi said, handing over the glass, then propping her chin on her hands. "She was pretty awesome, wasn't she? And not just compared to Vlad, the stinker."

"I dunno, I thought he was pretty funny," Toby admitted with a smirk. But then, Vlad hadn't even been his... sort-of-responsibility over the weekend.

"Yeah, well, he didn't claim five different girls as his mother, and have you wandering all over the dorms trying to get confirmation, like I did, looking for his dad." Kenzi muttered. "I think I haven't met the guy yet, whoever he is." She sighed, and leaned on the bar. "Did you have any others that I didn't meet?"

Edited 2012-04-06 03:43 (UTC)

"Not unless they didn't deign to introduce themselves to me," Toby said, mostly kidding. "I'm pretty sure Ellie was the only one."

"Kinda weird," Kenzi said, tentative. "I mean. She was pretty cool. But. I am so, so not ready for kids, and to have one show up and know all about us and be... a lot like you." And have your telepathy thing. "Mind-blowing."

"It makes sense, that she would," Toby said. "It's one of the few things I remember about- about my mother." Whose name he knew now, thanks to Ellie. She'd let that particular bombshell drop when he'd asked her about her name, but had refused to answer any other questions once she'd realized just how much either of her parents didn't know yet.

"Hunh." Kenzi balanced on the bar rail, looking thoughtful. "She seemed pretty cool with it. And she liked Vlad too." She rocked on her heels, and asked, tentative, "Did she say what we were like? Or if we were together? I was too frazzled to ask."

"I think we were?" Toby was looking kind of thoughtful himself. "She mentioned something about 'getting in to the family business' at some point, anyway."

"Really?" Kenzi looked hopeful. There was a business to get into? That was good. "I know we didn't have a huge white wedding with a thousand flower and people and crap, 'cause she tried to convince me we did. Then she admitted Karla was going to pay her in lingerie if she pulled it off."

Kenzi's nuh-unh face had been too funny for Ellie to keep it up, though.

"...Do you even own a single white piece of clothing?" Toby had to ask.

Kenzi checked down her cleavage, as if the answer lay there, then looked up with a grin. "I guess not?"

"So... unless you get hit on the head with a falling piano ~~or splashed with magical Fae-water~~ and end up with amnesia, I'm pretty sure there's no future out there where that's gonna happen." Well, the lacy-white-with-excessive-flowers part. He couldn't exactly rule out a wedding itself- he was just certain Kenzi would find a way to make it... Kenzi-ish.

"Yup. Even if Bo decides she needs to do the Maid of Honor thing and take me shopping, I think red is a good look for one." Kenzi shuddered. "Just. Not yet, at all." She shook her head. "And if it does some weird weekend? We are so getting an annulment if you're still in school, jeez."

"So you're saying you'd keep me around if it's after we graduate?" Toby asked, only partially kidding.

"I'd consider it," Kenzi drawled. "There've been worse ideas in the history of the universe." She grinned. "Would you consider it?"

"I would, yeah," Toby said, without any hesitation. "Is that weird?" He wasn't sure if he really believed in the idea of soulmates, let alone whether Kenzi was his if such a thing did exist, but- he definitely felt a sense of synchronicity with her that was exciting and terrifying all at once. He could deal with a lifetime of that, yeah. No problem.

Kenzi actually put some thought into this one, and leaned in close. "I don't think it's codependent or creepy weird? It's maybe... lucky weird. Just not destiny-weird. Thank God." 'Cause wow she would not be down with that. She beamed at him, and said, "So. Ellie just confirms that. And Vlad, I guess, is the alternative... or an alternative."

"It's... reassuring, to know that a future like hers is possible," Toby had to admit. "Not just the you-and-me part," though he was pretty fond of that part, as it happened, "but the fact that, hey, I had a kid and she's pretty happy and well-adjusted... all things considered." He supposed the same logic more or less worked for Vlad, even though his future self had had no part in the boy's existence. He'd been a good kid, though, and what little he'd been able to pick up had seemed to indicate that the Kenzi who was his mom was happy, so Toby couldn't really see the bad in that.

Definitions of 'good' varied, but her kid might have been a little liar and sometime-klepto, but he hadn't seemed mean, or nasty, or broken. And neither he or Ellie had been scared of her. So. Maybe she'd make a decent mom, and Toby a decent dad. "Yeah. I mean. I kind of thought 'normal' was totally out of the question," and part of that had been knowing Bo's secrets, but hey, both her kids called her 'Aunt Bo', so... "But at least they're an approximate happy kinda kids?"

.

Wheee.

Caritas, Thursday evening

The Band

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The Lounge

The Back Room

OOC