fandomtownies | Chilly Boulder

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Chilly Boulder | Monday Morning

Stiles could truly say that of all of the ways he could think of how he'd spend his 17th birthday, sitting in an ice cream shop with the son he had with a psychotic ex-alpha was not one of them.

Not that he was complaining. Stiles had been more than happy to ignore his birthday for Fandom-related weirdness, but Haley knew what day it was and insisted they celebrate. With the biggest pile of ice cream that Stiles had ever seen. A rapidly melting pile of ice cream since Haley had put 17 candles in it and made all the workers sing to him. Stiles suspected some pointy teeth and flashing of scary blue eyes had been involved in making that happen since all the employees were way too enthusiastic about it. They even said the ice cream was free.

Stiles thought the whole thing was kind of adorable in a horrible way. Which probably explained how he hooked up with Peter in the first place.

[Well I had to celebrate his birthday somehow before the BDE happens. The post is open, of course]

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If Haley thought there was anything wrong with scaring employees into giving him free ice cream he wasn't showing it. Instead he was stuffing his face with the grace and skill of a Stilinski.

"So I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to leave today. That's how it always works when I'm in Fandom."

"Oh thank god," Stiles said. "No offense, but I'm tired of you and all the other kids wandering around here. I'm not good with kids. Or people in general."

Haley gave an easy shrug. "I'm not exactly too thrilled when my kids show up either."

It didn't help that they tended to be even bigger assholes than Haley himself was.

"So me and Pet--your dad send you to Fandom, huh?" He didn't want to actually say the name for fear of squirrels overhearing. No matter how disturbing it was to acknowledge that Peter was Haley's other parent.

"Being raised in Beacon Hills doesn't seem to mean good things for the Hales or the Stilinskis," he said. "Besides, you and Father seem to think I enjoy being a werewolf too much and therefore belong around people who won't get freaked out by it."

"Somehow I am not surprised that you're a show off." He was a Hale, after all.

Stiles poked at his ice cream for a few moments, frowning while he thought about this whole situation for the millionth time. "This is--okay, I didn't want to go into the details of what is probably a highly disturbing and unhealthy relationship but...do me and your dad actually like, I don't know, care for each other and junk?"

"Seems that way to me," Haley said, shrugging again. He wasn't very good with feelings so he wasn't an expert or anything. "I mean, you fight all the time but you're still together."

And they sometimes they combined their evil to make Derek miserable, which was sweet.

"Oh god are we werewolf married?" HE HAD TO KNOW.

"Werewolf married isn't a thing, Dad," Haley said, rolling his eyes like he had heard this before.

Kitty had been out running an errand, and when she passed by and saw Stiles inside, she continued on her way to JGOB, and returned a bit later with a piece of cake in a plastic container, which she set by him.

"Told you I would," she said.

"Holy crap I didn't think you'd actually remember," he admitted. "Thanks! Though you are aiding and abetting in my death by sugar."

"You can't die by sugar on your birthday," Kitty said. "Happy birthday, by the way."

"Aw, Dad, this is sweet." Yeah Haley didn't like when attention was veered away from him, even on his father's birthday. "Hi, I'm Haley."

"Kitty," she said. "Let me guess, Stiles' kid?"

"His only kid," Haley said, feeling smug about that for some reason. "He's not off hosing down people and horses with his DNA unlike other people we know."

Stiles choked on his ice cream and started coughing.

"That's a visual image that's going to haunt me for the rest of my life," Kitty realized.

"Haley has a talent for that," Stiles said once he recovered. "Ask him about knotting."

"No, wait, don't ask him about knotting."

OH GOD STILES WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT.

"What's knotting?"

Haley was off before Stiles could even protest.

"Oh it's quite fascinating, really. It's how werewolves impregnate their mates, male or female," he said, lying through his teeth. "During sex--"

"--Haley no--" It was his birthday, don't bring this up on his birthday.

"--the penis swells at the base and locks two people together and keeps the copious amount of semen in to ensure pregnancy."

Stiles covered his face with his hands. "How come you didn't use the phrase 'monsoon of werewolf jizz' with her?"

"The knot keeps two people locked together for like an hour," Haley said. "It's very romantic."

Kitty listened in total and complete horror.

What came out of her mouth at first was something like strangled keysmash, and then, "That's not even physically possible!"

"It's Werewolf Anatomy 101," Haley said. "And it's how I came into the world. Thanks, Dad."

Stiles still had his face covered with one hand but he gave Haley a thumb's up with the other.

"At least my father did it to a human, Derek impregnated a pink horse."

Picture that, Kitty.

"Oh my god, he knotted Pinkie?"

Welp. Clint never ever ever had to worry about Kitty ever having sex with Derek, physically impossible or not.

Stiles uncovered his face and nodded. Because having a child via the power of friendship sounded ridiculous and was clearly a cover for knotting. "The kid had bright pink hair! Poor Pinkie. At least she's female."

"Oh, god. I've never been so grateful for the Phoenix Force," she realized. Well, she'd never really been grateful for it at all.

"The what?"

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