The Perk- Tuesday evening

[solo_sword]

Yesterday Jaina turned 33. That had been tough enough, considering even when she and Jacen had been estranged they still shared a birthday, and now it was just hers because he wasn't alive anymore. And then she said goodbye to Anakin for what she knew was the last time, and now it felt like she was just waiting for him to die, which was more morbid than she knew what to do with, but there she was.

She hadn't slept well, and then spent most of her day at the gym, trying to distract herself from her own thoughts. (Sorry to anyone who'd wanted to use the punching bag- you didn't get to.) And that meant the last place she would be was in her apartment tonight, alone and thinking too much.

So the Perk it was, sitting at a window seat and keeping an eye on the baristas, wishing they would fight or do something she could at least watch.

[So open!]

Comments

[momslilassassin]

Ben was having similar difficulties and while caffeine wasn't going to help with the insomnia, seeing Jaina might.

He walked into the shop and gave her a slightly awkward hug around her shoulders from behind.

"Hello."

[solo_sword]

If Jaina stiffened up at first, it wasn't him as much as the fact that she was on edge and she knew how she'd reacted to things last time. But that was over in a second, and she patted his arm back. "Hi."

[momslilassassin]

Ben sent a pulse of reassurance through the Force. "Happy birthday."

[solo_sword]

"Thanks," Jaina said, sort of smiling. "Though I'm kind of trying to ignore it this year." On account of it being terrible.

[momslilassassin]

"I can buy you a coffee if you're not even trying to sleep either," Ben offered.

[solo_sword]

"Maybe a muffin?" she said, and nodded towards her coffee that was probably completely cold by now. "I'm not really in a coffee mood."

Despite being in a coffee shop. Look, her logic worked for her right now.

[momslilassassin]

Ben nodded, returning a few moments later with two muffins.

His began to turn into crumbs between his nervous fingers. "So."

It was hard making smalltalk when you already knew what the other person was feeling.

[solo_sword]

"We just let him go off to die," Jaina said flatly. "All of us. We should have said something."

Yeah, apparently now she had guilt and a feeling of responsibility over Myrkr this time.

[momslilassassin]

"Do you think it would have made a difference?" Ben murmured, staring at the table.

[solo_sword]

"Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe not for him, but maybe knowing would save others who died in my time," she said. Clearly she hadn't stopped thinking about this, no matter how much she tried. "What happens... it's stupid mistakes because we got thrown off the plan right out of the gate and weren't prepared. He's going to freeze up, and he's going to get hurt trying to save me because he won't think. Maybe knowing would help."

[momslilassassin]

Ben's mountain of muffin crumbs kept growing. "I didn't know the specifics of mission," he said, "and I was wondering the same thing. I called Anakin's death a shatterpoint to Ender...but I think it's a Jedi term I've never really explained to him."

[solo_sword]

"It definitely was. Is," Jaina said. "The day Jacen left, after the war ended, we talked about it. About how if Anakin didn't die, and all this terrible stuff hadn't happened after, the war wouldn't have ended the way it did. But looking back at everything after that, maybe it could have gone a different way."

[momslilassassin]

Ben nodded. "If Anakin didn't die, would Jacen have been captured?" he murmured. "Maybe all of you would have died instead."

He was full of cheerful thoughts tonight.

[solo_sword]

"Possible. Though if Anakin hadn't been hurt, we might have been fast enough to get out of there before any noble sacrifice was needed. And Vergere was on our tails most of the time, it's possible she'd have gotten to Jacen another way..." She shrugged. "Honestly, so many things went wrong there, I don't know if there was any good way for it to work out. Maybe a better way. Maybe worse. Who knows."

Hey, remember a time when she'd rather stab herself in the face with a lightsaber rather than talk about this?

[momslilassassin]

Ben sent out another quick pulse through the Force. "There's nothing about this that doesn't suck," he said quietly. "I spent years trying to figure out if I could have saved Jacen or Mom..."

[solo_sword]

"I've thought about that, too," she admitted. "But with Jacen and your mom... That was ultimately bad decisions that I don't know that we could have done anything about, not knowing they were making those decisions. Myrkr's blind nightmare chaos."

[momslilassassin]

"I think they both track back to Myrkr," Ben murmured. "If Jacen hadn't...cracked...they might both still be here."

[solo_sword]

"Yeah, but we don't know when Jacen cracked, either. I don't know if it was during his torture, I don't know if it was something that happened or that he learned when he was gone for five years... And my Jacen knew that all of that was a possibility and he went that way anyway," Jaina said. "But you're right, it all goes back to that. Look at what happened to Raynar, too. Two people supposedly lost at Myrkr with galaxy-wide consequences. That's the kind of thing that makes me wonder if letting Anakin go off was worth it."

[momslilassassin]

"I don't think we could have stopped him," Ben said. "He's so eager to do something."

[solo_sword]

"I know. But it kills me to know just how unprepared he is. He still thinks everything'll just work out because it always did before," Jaina said.

[momslilassassin]

Ben nodded. "He's young in a way I kind of didn't get to be."

[solo_sword]

Jaina paused. "Yes and no. He's already been through a lot, I think he just has a different way of looking at things. That's why it was such a shock when everything went so wrong."

[momslilassassin]

Ben nodded. "I didn't know what I was feeling at the time, but I still remember the feeling of loss, then the shock of people around me realizing who it was."

[solo_sword]

The pause this time was longer. "I don't like thinking about that much," she said.

As it turned out, remembering the absolute nightmare was easier than thinking of her parents going through that again.

[momslilassassin]

Ben nodded, biting his lower lip. "Sorry."

[solo_sword]

Jaina shook her head. "Don't worry about it. The whole situation's just one big ball of hurt. At least I'm dealing with it this time."

Even if she'd sort of rather she didn't. It was easy for old habits to die hard when you'd changed that much in fifteen years, but that didn't mean it felt any better.

[momslilassassin]

"And maybe it'll end differently."

Ben didn't really think so.

[solo_sword]

Yeah, Jaina wouldn't put bets on that.

"Maybe."

[momslilassassin]

Ben reached out and gave her hand a quick squeeze.

Talking was getting painful.