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The Android's Dungeon, Wednesday Evening

Today's attempt to teach Rinoa how to play Magic hadn't gone any better than the last however many times. Several hours in, there was furniture broken, cards destroyed, and a lot of bad feeling all around. Half the problem, of course, was that Squall had picked a starter box off the rack and begun winning a lot with it. Having Jono play with them hadn't made things any better.

The day was drawing to a close, and Squall just wanted the game to be over. He raised an eyebrow at Rinoa. "It's your turn."

(OOC: Yes, it's been forever since I posted the store! Feel free to stop on by.)

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This is the thread for shopping if you don't want to heckle the game

In all its glory

Rinoa was a mature, sophisticated adult. Rinoa was handling this in a very competent, reasonable manner.

"For my turn I set all of your creatures on fire and then I feast upon their corpses," she announced.

Mature. Reasonable.

//When did you start playing red/black, anyway?// Jono leaned over to look at her cards. Again. He was tired and had already attempted to escape the building four times tonight to little avail. The least he could do? Look at her cards. Again. //Anyway, that card's got summoning sickness. You can't play it yet until your next turn.//

Yes, that one. That one that had nothing to do with fire or corpse-eating.

"You'd have more fun with a red/black deck," Squall pointed out. "I really don't think blue suits you."

Like he hadn't tried saying THAT before.

"I'm not playing red/black," Rinoa said, huffily. "Those are stupid colors and I like having flying things."

She was blue because it fit her personal color theme, not because it fit her playstyle. She didn't have a playstyle. Besides "bad."

"I want to play this card," she sighed, showing Jono her Stormtide Leviathan, "so that he'll cast a tsunami and destroy all of your stupid cards and I win."

Rinoa, that was not what the card did. At all.

//It's a lovely card, and as soon as you actually have eight land sitting in front of you to tap so you can summon it, you'll kick my bloody arse with it,// Jono replied, nodding a little. He was playing a red/blue deck, and holding his own fairly well with it, but having islands out meant that card would pretty much decimate him.

... And now that he knew it was there, he was poking through his hand for an instant that might be able to counter it later, before it came to that.

//As it stands, you're going to have to make do with attacking me with what's already out, luv.//

"'Leviathan' is just a word," Squall tried to explain, for the umpteenth time. "It's not the Leviathan you know. It doesn't even look the same. Also, ALL colors have flying creatures."

He sighed and gave Jono an apologetic look.

"It says 'Leviathan' right on the card," Rinoa snapped. "Fine. It's my turn."

She drew a card that was a touch ... disappointing.

"Wonderful," she seethed. "I'll just continue drawing stupid, pointless cards and never get any land at all ever. I can't do anything else because you guys won't let me so that's the end of my turn because this game is stupid and unfair and I hate you both."

Edited 2014-09-04 02:05 (UTC)

//We love you too, Sunbeam,// Jono replied sweetly, doing the necessary upkeep on his cards and putting another mountain into his land pile. //Here, how about I play this one, then. And throw it at Squall.//

Because if he actively assisted Rinoa in killing Squall, he'd be slightly less likely to die in real life. Maybe.

Squall sighed. "I don't have anything to block that with. I take the damage."

He drew, and played a card to add to the array of creatures sitting in front of him. "And... I end my turn."

He'd attack later, when Rinoa was less murderous. He'd still win.

Rinoa was unlikely to be less murderous later on. Really, it was more like an exponential growth situation, here.

"I don't get why I need stupid land to cast stupid spells," she seethed. "I don't need land. I'm a sorceress. These people are really bad at how actual magic works."

Thankfully, the next card she drew was an island, which she immediately placed in front of her.

"Okay, so I can play this now, right?" she asked, pulling a Frost Lynx from her hand. "Because that's three Lands and now I can play him. I don't know what he does though."

Something about tapping other players' cards. Whatever that was. Didn't matter, she was playing a monster and they could all suck it.

Squall had given up trying to teach Rinoa how to read the cards. Explaining as she went was less frustrating -- although it meant she occasionally tried to murder him because "I didn't know I could do that last turn!"

"You pick one of our creatures, and it can't attack next turn," he told her. "Here. this one (http://www.magicspoiler.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-mtg-helper/mtg_helper_cardfinder.php?find=Blood+Host&width=223&height=310v). That's the one you want to pick."

Jonothon watched as Rinoa tapped the vampire - ugh - and stuck her tongue out with glee.

Well, he couldn't fault her for that one, he supposed.

//And if that's your turn...// He did his upkeep again, drew a card, and immediately tapped three mountains to cast it. //And because it has haste...//

He tapped the card, and then looked between Rinoa and Squall. He was pretty sure Squall wouldn't hold it against him, at this point, if he kept attacking him. Right?

//I'll attack Squall with it.//

"Just that one?" Squall asked. Just because he didn't have anything flying didn't mean that he couldn't. "I lose 2 life, my vampire (http://www.magicspoiler.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-mtg-helper/mtg_helper_cardfinder.php?find=Shadowcloak+Vampire&width=223&height=310) flies, and your Phoenix is dead. Again. I'm beginning to hate that card."

"That's because it cheats," Rinoa huffed. "All of your decks have stupid cheating cards and you won't let me cast my Leviathan."

Stormtide Leviathan.

"This game is boring and I want to quit."

Don't get your hopes up, guys. She said this about twelve times an hour.

//Remind us again why you haven't, luv?//

He knew the answer, of course. It was because she was spiteful and she hated them and wanted them both to suffer. And Jonothon, being spiteful in turn, was tucking his phoenix away into his graveyard, so that he could cast it again in a few minutes. Just as soon as he drew another lava axe or something.

"Because I'm going to win," Rinoa said. She drew ... another land. Okay, that was progress. That put her at four. She was now rifling through her hand to see if there was anything she could cast that only required four land. (There wasn't. She just had to look again and be sure.)

She glared at both of them. "I cast Meteor, and big rocks fall on both of your monsters."

"Meteor's a red card," Squall told her, because he was a masochist. "It's a fun card to play. And less confusing."

//Now, was that the Shivan Meteor, or the Meteor Shower? Shivan is bloody obscene.//

Thirteen damage to target creature and only five to cast? Yes, Jonothon wanted four of them, please.

//Anyway, if there are rocks falling from the sky, I'm pretty sure I've got something to counter that.//

If not in card form, then at least with his face.

Rinoa picked up the cards in her hand and flung them, face down, onto the table in front of her.

"Try countering when I cast Holy and you're swallowed up with light," she seethed. "None of these cards are any good. These creatures are stupid. I want Coeurls and Meteor and Holy and Behemoths."

Squall sighed. "You're not going to find things you recognize in these cards," he tried to explain. "They're made up. If you want Coeurls and Behemoths, we can play Triple Triad..."

"If you take out your Triple Triad deck, I will break up with you."

So ... not so much.

Edited 2014-09-04 03:16 (UTC)

//She needs to kick your arse at Magic, first,// Jono noted, helpfully. //And... mine as well, presumably.//

Which was good, since Jono didn't have any Triple Triad cards.

"Well, that not going to happen if she doesn't at least try to understand the game!" Squall grumbled. "Besides, Triple Triad's a lot easier to learn."

"I am learning just fine!" Rinoa shouted. She flicked once with her hand, and -- oh, look. All of Squall's cards sort of caught on fire at once.

"WHO'S LOSING NOW!?!"

Jonothon winced, let his leather jacket sleeve slip over his hand, and once again reached out to swat at the burning cards on the table.

//We're never leaving,// he mumbled. //We're going to be trapped here, in Hell, playing this bloody game until the Earth has gone to dust. They'll write ballads in our memory and speculate over the mystery of us thousands of years from now.//

Squall pointed at the small pile of pennies he'd been building up next to his cards -- the only remnants of his army that were left.

"These are each a 1/1 creature," he told her. "There are twelve of them. I'm attacking."

Oh, look. Was that an Aero spell knocking all of those pennies onto the ground? What a shame!

"Your army got lost," Rinoa announced smugly. "Stuck in some kind of wind tunnel."

Jonothon simply projected a sigh at that point, and started gathering his own cards from the table.

There was a convenient stand not far away that was good for ducking behind. He was quietly gauging just how many things he'd trip on if he had to make a break for cover.

Again.

"They were only 1/1," Squall explained patiently, as he picked up the counters. "You could have blocked some with your creatures, destroying them, and soaked the rest of the damage without a problem. Now, there's just a mess."

And most of his good cards were burned.

"I have a Frost Lynx and you're not killing him," Rinoa said with a decided glare. "Besides, I couldn't do any of that because your stupid army of pennies got lost in a wind tunnel. I didn't realize you couldn't handle picking up twelve pennies from the floor. That has to be really strenuous."

"It's less than I usually have to pick up," Squall told her. "And nothing of Jono's got destroyed. That's progress. Are you quitting, or do we keep going?"

"Of course I'm not quitting," Rinoa said. "I'm going to win."

//She's going to win,// Jono echoed, sounding frazzled and still clinging two fistfuls of cards to his chest protectively. //I don't suppose I'm allowed to forfeit? I'm allergic to burning to death.//

This was not even the first time he'd asked this question tonight.

Rinoa was now giving Jono a very amused sort of look.

"You're not going to burn to death, you big drama queen."

Edited 2014-09-04 04:10 (UTC)

So, that was a no to the forfeit, then?

Jono was pretty sure that 'amused' was actually more frightening on Rinoa than 'frustrated' had been.

//I don't think being physically incapable of actually dying really makes my point moot.//

After all, there had been a lot of burning, so far.

"It seems strange for you to worry about getting burnt," Squall pointed out. "...Especially after your fire axe."

//There are three more where that came from, as well,// Jono replied. //But none of them involve actual fire.//

... They could, if that was what this game was coming to.

"That sounds to me like you're not trying hard enough," Rinoa suggested. "Some of us want to win."

Case in point.

HEY LOOK AN OCD

...I can't tell you how sad I am to have missed this.

*shifty eyes* These might become a semi-regular occurrence I AM JUST SAYING

I have no idea of the game mechanics but this was fucking hilarious. I needed this. LOVE.

I am super-bad at Magic and couldn't figure out wtf most of the cards did.

I was trying to figure it out at one point and then I realized it was so much better if I didn't know anyway. ♥

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The Android's Dungeon, Wednesday Evening

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