fandomtownies | Outside Fandom Clinic, Friday morning

You'd think, having seen more than one victim of them already, Cristina would know to be on the lookout for gremlins. But she was a big city girl, unused to the ways of small, magical, multiversal-nexus towns, and frankly, hiding in the bushes outside her work was cheating.

The gremlin bolted from the bushes, chomped down firmly on Cristina's ankle, then scurried gleefully off to go tell its friends what it had done. Cristina didn't get more than halfway through her shouted curse before the venom hit her brain (actual biochemistry bedamned). There was definitely no hope of her getting inside, where a kindly nurse might hide her in her locked office until it wore off.

"Oh, son of a --" Her whole expression changed from pain and annoyance to cheery wonder. "-- Biscuit! I seem to have dropped my wand!"

She picked up a handle stick and waved it in the air, bending side to side with her arms out like a ballet dancer. "Now, let's see, I'm sure there are plenty of cookie wishes to be granted here!"

The Fairy Cookieperson fluttered her eyelashes and her steps as she bounced from bush to bush, looking for cookie emergencies.

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Rosa was out trying to get in a walk that morning with her ~~convenient narrative device~~ dog when she swung around the clinic area just in time to catch Buzzkill out there rooting around in a bush.

"Uh, you lose something, Doc?"

If she did, Arlo 2 was more than happy to bounce on over and help her find it! She was really good at finding things...in her own mind, anyway.

"Why hellooooo!" the Fairy Cookieperson greeted, her accent round, full, and cheerful. "I was just seeing if anyone was having a cookie emergency. Perhaps you and your delightful little friend here?"

Okay, so, right off the bat, a response like that was honestly mildly terrifying. Rosa had to stare for a fraction of a second before her brain caught up with what she was probably witnessing. "Whaaaaaaaat," she said, very slowly, as she reached behind her just as slowly to pull out her phone, turn on the camera, and oh-so-subtly begin to film.

No, she wasn't exactly the blackmail type, but she was pretty big on evening the playing field when she knew certain people had videos of her thinking she was a princess, singing to animals and talking about wanting a prince to save her. And this island, she was now convinced, was definitely trying to prove to Rosa that karma existed.

"...aat," she finished the drawn-out beginning to her question once the phone was definitely going, "exactly entails a cookie emergency, anyway?"

And Arlo 2, who definitely recognized the word cookie, would tell her that the emergency was that no one was giving her one yet, as she looked between the two women with a wide-eyed expression of tail-wagging, tongue-flopping hope.

"Oh, you know, broken cookies, missing cookies, cookie wishes. . . . Why, I once helped out a darling little monster who didn't want to have to wait for each new cookie!" The Fairy Cookieperson clutched her wand to her chest, looking proudly at the sky as she remembered Cookie Monster. Then she blinked and tilted her head in a small shrug. "And then I had to help him and his friends again when it turned out he couldn't handle the cookie touch. These things happen."

Oh, this was great. This was gold. Rosa was going to exploit cookies at every chance she got from here on in, until they had long since overstayed their welcome. Hot Leaf Water was still funny as hell, why would cookies be any different?

"What the hell is a cookie touch?" she asked, as Arlo 2, not quite ready to give up, let out a whimper, flopped pathetically between their feet, and summoned up the most pitiful begging look she could muster.

Why did they keep saying it if they weren't going to deliver?

Edited 2018-08-03 16:58 (UTC)

Because they were delusional cookies, Arlo 2. And because life is suffering.

"Why, it's when everything you touch turns to cookies, of course!" the Fairy Cookieperson trilled. "Chocolate chip with M&Ms, to be precise." She looked sympathetically down at poor Arlo 2. "Why, I think we have a cookie wish right here! What is it, little friend? Would you like the cookie touch?"

Yes! Arlo 2 stood up and barked her excitement, her whole body wiggling with the renewed vigor of her wagging tail, an action that lined up perfectly with Rosa's firm and maybe slightly panicked, "No."

Which said a lot about her acclamation here, that her knee-jerk response was not that the whole concept was ridiculous, but a genuine concern that Buzzkill with a stick could actually bestow onto her dog the ability to turn everything she touched into cookies.

Rosa realized two seconds after she'd said it how idiotic this whole thing was and tried to brush of that first response. Maybe no one would notice; maybe the bark covered it.

"I mean," she said, shrugging, "obviously she's into it."

Of course, Arlo 2 had no idea what the woman had actually said beyond that wonderful word and the very exciting and promising tone in her voice, but she was so, so down, yes, yes, yes!!

And Rosa was just going to hold her breath. Surely, whatever it took to grant the cookie touch would be worth it in the off chance it actually did happen.

The Fairy Cookieperson looked between Rosa and Arlo 2, blinking rapidly as she tried to work out how to respond to all that. "Oh, but things that we are, ah, into are not always the things that are good for us, are they," she said finally, crouching down to poor Arlo 2. "I'm very sorry, little friend. But perhaps it's best if we listen to the adult."

Did you want to get your face licked, Cristina? Because that was how you got your face licked.

Or at least a puppy who saw a face come close enough to eagerly try to lick it, and, after that either succeeded or failed, Arlo 2 took to the task of sniffing out any pocket she could be find for these mysterious and elusive cookies.

"Nah," Rosa offered, now just feeling disappointed, "it's cool. The adult's thought about it. I think she's ready, she can handle it."

"Wonderful!" the Fairy Cookieperson said after graciously accepting the gift of the face licking. "Make way for magic!" She flung her arms in the air in glee and recited her spell:

"Sweeter than the sweetest candy,
This one doesn't ask for much.
Wants a cookie always handy!
Grant her now the Cookie Touch!"

She gently tapped at Arlo 2's head with her wand to complete the spell. "There! Now you have the cookie touch. Use it wisely."

Or don't, since her wand was a not-even-particularly-straight stick she'd found under a bush.

Edited 2018-08-03 20:55 (UTC)

Arlo 2 watched the stick very closes, her haunches ready to leap when Cristina would obviously eventually fling it out into the air and she'd rush after it to catch it and bring it back and everyone would cheer and tell her she was a good girl and give her pets and maybe those cookies they kept talking about.

Which didn't happen, leaving her a little bewildered and a bit crosseyed as the stick bopped her head and she plopped down on her butt as if there was something besides the force of dejection behind it. She looked up, tilting her head with a confused little, "Arroo?"

"Oh, nooooo," said Rosa, in the driest facsimile of disappointment, just feeling glad she'd fully charged her phone battery before leaving the apartment, "I don't think it worked."

"Now now, do not be so quick to judge!" the Fairy Cookieperson chided. "She hasn't touched anything yet!"

Other than, you know, the ground. And cookie fairy magic had to have some limits, right?

Outside Fandom Clinic, Friday morning

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