jgob | late morning | saturday | december 5

[death-and-pies.livejournal.com]

Since the last time Father Ned had been on this island, he'd traveled the world, tending to flocks far and wide. His work, the work of God, was never completed and Father Ned refused to let Him down. Despite the fact that he'd been to so many places and seen so many things, this island held a special place in his heart. It was riddled with comas, drugs, sex and other evil things but he found himself drawn here like a train car to a conveniently placed cliff.

Father Ned pulled out a chair and stood up on it, deciding here, where people would come and go, was as good a place as anywhere to begin his altruistic mission.

"Friends, listen to my words," he started, holding a hand in the air to quiet the masses (because masses always came to hear him speak). "I am here today to speak to you about the evils of...Christmas shopping. Why, you might be asking yourself, could something where you are giving be considered evil? Because, my sheep, when you are giving a gift, you are telling that other person that you want SEX."

Father Ned was a terrible priest who didn't see all sides of the argument. As evidenced by this sermon.

"When you go out and buy an expensive piece of jewelry, you are telling the receiver of that gift that you expect payment in the form of CARNAL RELATIONS later in the day. This, my friends, CANNOT BE. Christmas shopping is all about the pursuit of SEX! The more ornately wrapped your gift is, the more SEX you expect to get. Or, even worse, you except KINKY things to occur that would make God shudder. You are telling the receiver of your gift that you expect them to dress up in leather or you expect them to let them practice their knot tying with one of their favorite silk ties. My friends, I leave you with this. When someone gives you a Christmas gift, GIVE IT BACK! Making the giver return that gift is telling everyone around them that you REJECTED THEIR ADVANCES. There is no need for Christmas shopping. NO NEED. Don't go Christmas shopping and you will remain FOREVER CLEAN."

With that, Father Ned gave the masses (there were masses, of course) a serene smile and stepped off his chair to take his seat.

[lololol IDEK. anyway, yes, Ned is Father Ned, out to give horrible sermons all over the place. open place in town so open!]

Comments

[bitchprince]

Arthur had to admit, seeking out a church pew to recover his sanity hadn't been his best idea to date.

[death-and-pies.livejournal.com]

Father Ned always had time to tend to his flock and after greeting the masses (there WERE masses), he smiled kindly at Arthur.

"Good day, young son," he said, voice still serene having lost the fire that had edged it during his Christmas shopping sermons. "Are you having some trouble on this day?"

[tatooine-doofus.livejournal.com]

Father Ned was wise, Luke realized as he loitered in the doorway.

"Thank you, Father," he said, inclining his head. "Now I have an excuse for not buying my family any gifts other than being disinherited and cut off from the family fortune and not invited to any of the parties. It's also because I don't want to be inappropriate."

[death-and-pies.livejournal.com]

Familial problems? That was something Father Ned knew quite well. He gave Luke a brief nod.

"You are having difficulties within your family?" he asked even if Ned had just told him he was. Repetition was a good thing. "What has happened, my child?"

[eternalstud.livejournal.com]

Damon and Stefan (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/a/a4/S514_Angel.png) walked into a donut place.

And, no, this wasn't the start of a bad joke. Unless you considered a grown, 150 year old vampire talking to a puppet like it was alive was funny.

"Jesus, Stefan, I'm not going to get you anything filled with jelly," Damon said. "Jelly is no replacement for blood. God, why won't you accept your vampiric destiny!"

Stefan scowled.

[death-and-pies.livejournal.com]

Very few things gave Father Ned pause but seeing a grown man talking to a puppet like it was alive was enough to give him that pause.

"Young man?" Ned called, trying to get his attention. "Are you well?"

Maybe Damon had herpes...OF THE MIND.

[fates_jaye]

Since the tragic fire that had taken her life, Jaye was trying to find someone- anyone!- who could hear her and realize that she wasn't truly gone! Just slightly more invisible than she used to be!

And all right this guy was probably crazy, but he was a priest! Maybe he could see her better than most people!

So while he was talking, there was a ghost Jaye in the background, yelling things like "Helloooooo! I'm right here! Can anyone hear me? I'm speaking to you all from the afterlife... that white light thing didn't happen... I think something went wroooong..."

And then since he kept on talking, Jaye sighed and tried to chuck a bagel at his head. Which would have worked if her hand didn't keep passing right through it. Looks like she had something else to work on.

[Jaye's a ghost. Ping her in any way and she'll try talking to you, though unless you're a medium or something, it'll be a little one-sided.]

[death-and-pies.livejournal.com]

Father Ned couldn't see Jaye but he did feel a little chill and he pulled his jacket closer around him. He looked around, seeing no one. But, the cold told him something.

"I know it's you," he snapped, face turning dark and menacing. "I refuse you. I REJECT YOU. Be banished from this place and go back to Valhalla! You are not welcome, you...temptress!"

Who knew what the hell Ned was even talking about.

[mparkerceo.livejournal.com]

Sister Maureen had woken up with... an urge to feed the poor. And wear pastels. And talk about doing good for all.

So this was convenient, wasn't it?

"Could I have five dozen donuts as a donation to feed the poor in the park?" she chirped at the counter guy. "They need more than bread to live on, you know. Sugar feeds the soul!" She beamed at the priest. "Hello, Father! Isn't it a beautiful day of the Lord?"

[death-and-pies.livejournal.com]

"Indeed, it is," he said, giving the polite young woman a soft smile. "But, to me, that's everyday I get to help those that need counsel. It is what I'm here for, after all."

[redandblueblur.livejournal.com]

Clark was starving! He hurried up to the counter and ordered two strawberry-filled croissants, a jug of milk, a bowl of whipped topping, a large coffee, and two grapefruits. Taking his bounty to a table he sat and started wolfing it down, pausing only for a puff of his cigarette every few bites.

It was amazing how he could eat like this and not appear to gain weight. Amazing.

[death-and-pies.livejournal.com]

Father Ned gave the young man a long look. There was something glowing about him. Either that or it was sweat forming on his brow from the extremely quick way he was meeting.

No matter, Ned's attention was drawn to him, and he wondered if this young boy could use his counsel.

[not-ironmaiden.livejournal.com]

Tony, like everyone here, didn't actually eat, but he was there to speak with the good father anyway.

"Father Ned," He purred, sidling up next to him like any secret villain would when dealing with a man of the cloth. Even if he had the sneaking suspicion this one needed a helmet.

[death-and-pies.livejournal.com]

Ned turned his attention to the purring, half expecting to see a cat but surprise to see a man instead.

"Hello, my son," he said serenely. "Are you in need or something today?"

[nofishinmypond.livejournal.com]

Jack had been out for a pleasant walk that morning, and stopped in for a doughnut and some pudding.

And bitchfacing. "But it's CHRISTMAS!" he insisted.

[death-and-pies.livejournal.com]

"Christmas is just another word for GOMORRAH!" Ned preached, waving a hand.

[thatsamilkshake]

Francine stopped into the shop not for herself, but to check in for her usual shipment of day-old bread for feeding to the ducks and the poor. When she saw who was there, though, her smile got impossibly sappier brighter.

"Father Ned!"

[death-and-pies.livejournal.com]

"Hello, my child!" Ned said, giving Francine a bright smile. "You seem happy today. Are you well?"

[inthereflexes.livejournal.com]

His morning at the hotel had not left him satiated, and he sought refuge at JGOB for his hungers.

[death-and-pies.livejournal.com]

Ned gave the young man a brief nod, content to see so many people coming to hear him speak this morning.

[sarcasm-guy.livejournal.com]

Sokka stumbled through the door, wincing in pain, and pounded on the counter for service. "A double mocha latte frappuchino!" he ordered. "And for the love of all that is holy, HURRY!!!" It was one of the few things that could temporarily ease his braine canser headaches.

[death-and-pies.livejournal.com]

Ned frown at the sudden commotion, wondering why the young man felt the need to yell at the poor clerk.

"There is absolutely no reason to yell at those who are providing you a service, my son," Ned said. "Calm down."

[bitten_notshy]

Father Jack didn't lower himself to attending his rival's sermons, of course. But sometimes he just happened to be standing about ... for an hour or so ... and he'd stalk see Father Ned, and, inevitably, the man would open his yap. He listened with contempt scrawled on his face. He and Ned hadn't gotten along since that incident at seminary, and, in a way, it was a relief to know Ned was as wrong-headed as ever.

After the sermon, he marched over to the other priest. "Did you enjoy that?" he asked in an angry whisper.

[death-and-pies.livejournal.com]

"I always enjoy tending to my LARGE flock," Ned said, grinning deviously at Father Jack. "And you? Did you enjoy listening to a superior priest?"

[findingelena.livejournal.com]

Elena was lighting a cigarette, and looking elegant. And cruel.

"Your sermon was a touch repetitive, Father," she said.

[death-and-pies.livejournal.com]

"Repetition," he said, giving the smoking girl a smile, "is sometimes needed when parishioners don't listen the first time. I want people to know what is wrong and what is right."