fandomtownies | Groovy Tunes, Sunday

Raven had woken up confused and not quite herself in Glacia, but had quickly teleported herself back to Fandom lest she be punished for disobedience. But this Fandom was all wrong. She'd kept to the shadows at first, trying to figure out what was going on. Where was Mistress Umbridge? Detention was empty, and she was picking up a lot of confusion and surprise around the island. Had some power transformed Fandom?

She wasn't sure what to do, but the scars running up both her arms spelled out OBEY over and over again. So she crept out of hiding to start to search for the disobedient, and as luck would have it, she soon spied Jono through the front window of Groovy Tunes. Now he was someone who belonged in detention. A smile crept across her face -- he was one of her favorite toys, too.

She stepped inside the shop. "Jono," she sang out. "You are not supposed to be here. You are going to be in so much trouble."

//Raven?// Jono glanced up from his CD stocking with a confused look on his face. //Trouble? What would I be in...//

It was the pink that registered most clearly, that actually started to ring a bell, even with the buffer of an extra lifetime and a great deal of trauma sandwiched in between now and the last time he had seen Raven looking like that.

//Trouble...//

Oh. Oh, that was bad.

//... for.//

Pink was definitely a harbinger of badness.

"You are supposed to be in detention," Raven scolded, making her way through the store. "And you know you are not allowed to hide your fire. You are going to have to be punished."

Jono actually shrank back a little from Raven's advance, wide-eyed as some vague echo of a memory crept up from the more shadowed corners of his mind.

//There is no detention, Raven,// he said, biting back any urge he had to panic. //There's no Umbridge, I don't have to answer to-// he meant to say 'her.' //-you.//

It wasn't Umbridge he was afraid of.

Raven shook her head and giggled. "You are being silly," she said. She couldn't imagine life without Umbridge; her own suffering in detention and then the Imperio curses that followed made certain of that.

"Someone emptied out the toy box and you all have to be put back now," she said. "If you do not fight me, I will be so much nicer to you, I promise."

But it was so much more fun when they resisted.

//You know I'm going to fight,// Jono replied, and now he sounded... tired. So tired. His hand was reaching up to pull down his wrappings.

Unlike his situation in detention, there was nothing holding his powers back here and now.

//Wouldn't be me if I didn't put up a fight, Sunbeam.//

"There is the fire!" Raven said, clapping gleefully. "It is so pretty!"

It had always been in detention where she'd played with him before, so she had no idea what he could do to her. Not that it would have made a difference if she did; she had to obey Umbridge's wishes, and that meant the bad children belonged in detention.

She was already reaching out with her own powers, trying to worm her way into his mind. She was about to find out, however, that this was an older and more experienced Jono than the one she knew, and it wouldn't be nearly as easy for her as it once had been to play with his emotions.

//It isn't bad, is it?//

It was flaring up around him now, throwing sparks into the air. His eyes glowed a hot white.

The first thing Raven would encounter on her way into his head would be the walls, tall and dangerous, fire and barbed wire. Jonothon was much better at guarding the contents of his mind, these days.

And, truth be told, he was guarding those contents more for her sake than for his.

His mind was not a place that most people wanted to be.

//Tell me, Sunbeam... how are you at climbing?//

She was in his element, now. Go on, Raven. Try.

The walls puzzled her, and she frowned. When had he learned to do that?. Surely Emma hadn't taught him. Raven certainly didn't like Emma -- she was mean and snappish and criticized the careless and chaotic way Raven used her empathic powers -- but she wasn't one of the disobedient.

"That is new," she said. "But I do not need to climb when I can fllllyyyyy." She stretched out her arms and began to levitate herself upward.

//Can't argue with flying, I suppose,// Jono noted, remaining on the ground there in his mind's eye, watching her passively.

The wall, meanwhile, was anything but passive, rising up as she did, twisting and climbing skyward.

//But where'll that get you, exactly?//

Raven snarled in frustration. Of course it wasn't going to be that easy.

She lowered herself back down. "Who taught you how to do that?" she said. "Was it Sookie?" Another of her favorite toys, one she hadn't (yet) broken.

No matter. All walls had a weakness, and as she waited for him to answer her, she lashed out with an intense stab of pain, trying to force her way through his defenses.

Jonothon winced at that, actually doubled over, sweat forming on his brow in that mindscape as his form there lost its definition, shifted from fire to hollow to whole, before settling on some blend of them all, hot and fierce and looking all the more determined for the pain.

//Go on. Do it again. Feels good.//

Somebody had something of a masochistic steak in him. If pain was the worst she could do, then he was set.

The wall stood as firm as it ever was.

"Do you like that?" Raven said, disappointed she didn't get more of a reaction from him. She cocked her head and smiled. "You know I can do so much more. You know that when you are good, I can make all the pain go away."

She could never admit it, but part of her liked doing that that better. Then she didn't feel the guilt and shame that sometimes tried to bubble its way up inside her as her soul fought the creature she'd become. Even her demon side hated it and chafed at its bonds.

She concentrated and made vines crawl along the base of the wall, blooming with white and soft pink flowers, spreading gentle waves of peace, contentment, and love. Tendrils braved the flames, trying to push them aside so that they could wrap around the barbed wire. Just let her in, Jono. Let her in and she could make you feel wonderful.

Jono tilted his head at the vines, watching them creep in in silence, and then he nodded, just faintly, a twinge of sadness waving out toward her. Sadness, and pity. He wasn't even going to attempt to hide that pity.

//So starved for it, haven't you been?// There was no small amount of sympathy in his voice at that. //C'mere, luv. Come back down to the ground. Take a few breaths. Umbridge isn't here, Raven. At least for now, it doesn't have to be like this.//

He held his ground, looking up at her with his face whole, on fire, hollowed out, gone, and held out his hand to her.

//You aren't getting through the wall, luv. I've been building it up for far too long. But you don't really need to, I promise.//

Raven scowled at him, unable to stop herself from recoiling at his pity. She hated pity. It made her almost think about things she shouldn't -- she couldn't, who she'd once been, before coming to the island, unprepared for the onslaught of emotions, punished for trying to help and heal until her mind had broken. Questioning would just mean more pain and punishment.

"You are lying," she accused. But she couldn't sense any malice in his words, and this place was different. No detention, no sign of Umbridge, and even Jono seemed so very different.

She wrapped her arms around herself, scratching at the scars on her arms. "You are trying to trick me," she said.

//To what end? I've got my freedom, Umbridge isn't here, and you're not going to get past my wall unless I decide to let you through.//

He'd held out against stronger than you, little broken bird.

//You're hurting, aren't you? Hurting and confused. I assure you, I'm not.//

Not hurting. Not confused. Not lying.

She withdrew from Jono's mind and that wall, and took a step back from him. "No," she said, shaking her head violently. But she was confused. If he was right and Umbridge was gone, that meant she was free. And freedom would mean that awful shame and guilt that sometimes threatened her, and having to face what she'd done.

"Shut up!" she said, her voice rising into a near shriek. "Shut up!"

//Freedom is a terrifying prospect, isn't it?// Jono's voice still held only understanding and compassion. //I know, luv. I've been there. Looking back at the things you were made to do when you were under somebody else's control. Answering for all of the lives you've broken. It's easier to want to crawl back to it. It's easier to roll over and just not exist at all.//

And now he was opening up to her, sharing with her only that very particular feeling, that fear and that shame he'd felt when he'd woken up from Weapon X's control.

That realization, once he had come back to himself, that he could never undo all of the horrors he'd visited upon so many innocents.

Raven clamped her hands over her ears, but it didn't block out the feelings he was sharing, feelings that called to her own. The fear and shame were dizzying.

Maybe she could learn to live with the things she'd done, since it had been Umbridge's will and not her own, but Umbridge hadn't commanded her to be so gleeful about it. That had been all her, hadn't it? Trigon's daughter, reveling in the suffering.

Part of her wanted to lash out at Jono for making her feel this way. Part of her wanted to run. Tears streamed down her face, making even more of a mess of the black makeup smeared around her eyes. "Then what...what do I do now?" she said.

//That... that's up to you,// Jono offered, gently, carefully inching his way forward and reaching for her hand. //I can't promise that the way things are right at this moment will stay this way. I don't know what's in store for you once the island has finished being in one of its stranger moods. But right now, today, there's no need to be anybody but you.//

He eased off again, psionically. Let his walls slip back up, more for her sake than for any fear for his own well-being.

... And then he reached over to a box of Kleenex on the counter and offered her a tissue.

Raven tensed as his hand touched hers. Touching wasn't allowed, and her instinct was to inflict punishment for the transgression. But it felt a little comforting, despite her inner turmoil.

She took a tissue and dabbed at her eyes. It really didn't help the mess.

"What do you mean, stay this way?" she said. "It could change again?"

//Things always change,// Jono replied, gently. //That's the one real constant in the world. Tomorrow might go back to the way things were for you before. But Umbridge... she won't last forever. That much, I can promise you.//

She'd get undone, sooner or later. The reality that this Raven came from, that was a reality that wasn't meant to be.

//You're stronger than this,// he murmured, making no move to pull his hand away. //You're better than this. You're better than her and the terrible things she's made you do. Hold on to that, Raven. You deserve that much, at least.//

Her head was spinning. To find out Umbridge was gone and she was free, but it might all change tomorrow? She couldn't go back to that.

"I am not better. I am not stronger." She'd tried to be when she'd realized what kind of situation the island had been in, that it wasn't the safe haven from her father that she'd hoped. But for all her plans to defy Trigon, she'd fallen so quickly to Umbridge's cruelty. Maybe she was destined for evil as had always been feared.

"I tried," she said. "But you do not know what kind of person I truly am." Well, she didn't think he did.

//I beg to differ,// Jono replied, and he nodded toward a chair. Maybe she'd like to sit down for this? It seemed like maybe it would be a lot to digest. //I'm not the same Jono as the one you know, but... that just means that I've seen you living up to your potential, Raven. I know what a compassionate, warm person you can be.//

He tilted his head a little, and then added, a little more softly, //I know how much it must have hurt you, falling to Umbridge's will. There's something in those emotions I shared with you, isn't there? Something all too familiar. The shame... the guilt... There's a difference between being a monster, and being made to do monstrous things. You aren't a monster, Raven. You're just... hurt.//

'Hurt' seemed like maybe it would get a better reception than 'broken.'

Sitting down seemed like a good idea. She still wasn't entirely sure what to believe, though. What if this was some sort of test, so that Umbridge could judge her loyalty? She'd likely already failed, then, but she wasn't being punished. So maybe it was real.

"How did you survive it?" she asked quietly as she sat down. "What did you do?" The full weight of it was still sinking in, and once she sorted through the confusion and the lingering fear that Umbridge might reappear and enslave her with another spell, she knew it would hit her even harder.

//It... wasn't easy,// Jono murmured. //I very nearly didn't survive. And I'd be lying if I said right now that I'm completely better, that I'm 'over it' or anything like that. There are still faces that haunt my dreams at night. I still see bodies when I close my eyes.//

He needed to be honest about this, completely. There was a tentative trust there, now, or at least a willingness to listen. He couldn't risk losing that. Not now.

//But there are moments of light, sometimes. There are times when the sun breaks through, and I can almost think that I've started to turn my life around again. There's the knowledge that I can do right by people, now. That I can never undo what was done... but at least I can begin to atone. I can do everything in my power to keep those horrors from happening again.// He tilted his head at her, and added, softly, //I almost lost myself to the guilt. And then I almost lost myself to the need to punish myself for all that I did. Neither of those things did me or anybody else any favours. All you can do is keep breathing. All you can do is take it step by step, pick up the pieces, and try to do right when the world around you is hurting for it.//

And the world was always hurting for it. That was the thing.

It was like he was reading her mind. The guilt that had almost managed to pierce through her madness had been frightening enough, and she could feel it settling around her now, suffocating in its weight. And her mind had already been turning over ways to punish herself for everything she'd done. It would almost be easier to retreat back into the madness, but that would mean hurting even more people.

"I have always wanted to do right," she said softly. "To defy my father, and heal instead of hurt. It does not feel like that is possible anymore."

//I know,// Jonothon murmured. //I know you have so much capacity to do such great good. And you're strong. Stronger than you realize. Capable of love and warmth that you can't even begin to imagine.//

He opened his mind up to her, just a little. Just enough to show her glimpses of the Raven he knew. The close friend who had wanted so badly to heal him. The healer who had rescued so many children. The hero. He censored a bit here and there, left out anything that might have given a broken Raven any ideas about a Jonothon, still in detention, who wouldn't be half as forgiving as he was now.

He didn't want to give her hope of things that could backfire so spectacularly, things that could break them both.

//I know it feels impossible. I know that it feels like there are weights inside of you, dragging you back, suffocating you from the inside. I struggled with the very same. But if I came back from it... I know you can.//

Raven greedily drank in what Jono let her see. That was who she had wanted to be, everything her father would despise. "That is me?" she said, scarcely able to believe it. "Truly?"

//That's the Raven I know,// Jono agreed. //That's the person you have the potential to become. You have that greatness, that compassion in you... It isn't an easy path to walk down. But it's the right one. It's more you than you've ever had the chance to be. And it's a chance you very much deserve to embrace.//

She wanted so much to believe...but he'd also said something about things not staying this way. "What if everything changes back?" she said, sudden panic gripping her.

He said she was strong, and she wanted to be, but she didn't think she could be in the face of Umbridge's spells. She'd already tried that once before.

Raven clutched at Jono's hand. "Please do not make me go back. I want to stay here. I want to be a hero."

//I know you do,// Jono murmured, fingers closing around Raven's hand. //I don't... I don't know if that's something that I can promise you. You know the island's whims as well as anybody.//

And it tore at his heart to say that, too. He faltered for a moment, and then just reached forward, to offer the poor girl a hug, fire and all.

//... Have you ever heard of double agents, Raven?// It was exactly the sort of strategy that had gotten him taken by Weapon X in the first place. It was dangerous. But it was... it was something. //People who infiltrate the enemy, who play at being exactly what the enemy wants them to be, because the closer to them that they are, the more opportunity they have to mitigate the damage being caused by them.//

The hug surprised her, because touching and fire and she still felt like this was all some sort of dream and when she woke up, her mind would retreat back into madness. But she let herself cling to Jono for a moment, trying to absorb his comfort and his words.

"I would pretend...but not truly hurt anyone?" Raven said, thinking over what he'd said. Maybe she could get some people out of detention, pretending to take them elsewhere to play. "But no one would trust me. Not after what I have done to them." Certainly not the Jono she'd known and tormented, nor Sookie or Bobby or Dinah, her other favorite toys.

//They probably wouldn't,// Jono agreed, his words tinged with a faint trace of regret. //There's a lot of damage that needs to be undone, a lot of faith that's been broken. But there might be a few who at least understand the implications of Umbridge's curse... Who realize that the things you did weren't yours to decide.//

He gave her a quick squeeze, and then leaned backward again to look her in the eye.

//It won't be easy, Raven. Nothing worthwhile ever is. It'll be hard and frightening and lonely, at least for a while. But it's the path that comes with hope. That... that's worth hanging on to.//

"I have not felt hope in a very long time," Raven murmured. "In the beginning I felt it from others in detention, but as time passed there it began to fade." And became to painful, since it was always denied.

After that, she'd used it as a weapon. Make her playthings feel hope and then take it away. It was such an easy way to fulfill Umbridge's commands to make the disobedient suffer.

"I am afraid," she said, nodding at Jono's words. "But I want to hope. But...what if I go back and the curse is on me again? I cannot help anyone then, not even myself."

//Don't give up,// Jono replied, softly. //I know it's a terrifying prospect. I know how hard it is to fight when her influence is right there, railing at the inside of your head. But you're still in there. There still a part of you that she can't touch. Don't lose sight of that part. That's the part where you keep your hope. That's the part that will be picking up the pieces when this is all over.//

Jono shut his eyes, wishing that there was more that he could do. The best that he could offer was a gentle brush of comfort with his powers; a warm, calm sense that eventually, everything would be okay.

Raven was the empath, but Jono was the one who seemed to know exactly how she felt. It made the comfort he offered her all the more soothing.

"I will try to hold on to that," she said. She'd welcomed the madness before because it eased the pain, but it wasn't worth the cost, to herself and to those in another world she might call friend. "I will try to be brave. I will try to be strong."

She'd rather stay here, in this world, but if she didn't have that luxury, she had to find a way to better survive her own and make it better.

[Apologies for the lag; I apparently have the death flu or something.]

There was a long pause, and then Jono tentatively ventured forth with, //Would you like me to show you how I built those walls? I can't guarantee you that they'll protect you from... her... but they're likely better than nothing.//

That was all he had, really.

[No worries! This week kicked my butt. I'm sorry for the lag on my end, too!]

"Yes, please!" Raven said quickly, eagerly. "In Azarath, emotions were suppressed. But when I came here, there was so much misery, so much pain. I could not keep it out. I could not keep any of it out."

There'd been no Anakin there to teach her how to shield herself, and Umbridge had been only too happy to toss her into the emotional lions' den.

Groovy Tunes, Sunday

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