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The Beach by Midnight Manor, Saturday Afternoon

Okay, so the stuff Dean had given her had tasted horrible but had worked wonders. She still wasn't up to snuff - she got tired and winded easily and she was still pretty pale and sore, but she was no longer alternating between chills and fever and that feeling of something off, something wrong had gone away, flushed out with the last of the bronze. She'd lost enough weight that it was noticeable and not in a good way, but she'd at least escaped looking gaunt. In short, she looked like someone who'd gone through some kind of dreadful wasting illness, but at least was now on the mend.

Which, you know, made sense. She wasn't exactly sure the difference between a severe poisoning and a severe illness in regards to toll on the body, but she guessed that they weren't too dissimilar?

Either way, she might look like she'd been dragged down a mile and a half of bad road, but that was still an improvement overall from looking like she'd been dragged down six miles of that very same road, and was celebrating by leaving the roof for a little while and heading down to the beach. She didn't get far before she had to stop and take a rest, but progress was still progress, dammit. She'd successfully made it here under her own power and she'd make it back up to her nest the same way.

...She might just be here for awhile resting up for that climb. Maybe she should let some folks know she was here since she was likely not going anywhere for a hot minute.

[Open!]

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"Ooh," Arden said, looking through the basket with curiosity. "This is what you wanna do, right? Make teas and potions and things? I think we talked about that before. Apothecary things."

She lifted up the one of the sachets and inhaled. "Ohhh this one smells really pretty."

"That's from the lemon verbena, probably," Eleanor said, with a bit more of her smile because of course that would be the one Arden liked, too, it seemed pretty popular all around. "It's also supposed to help give your dreams a sense of lightness, nothing too heavy or intense, you know?

"But, yeah. It's what I've been learning to do."

Saying it was what she wanted to do felt pretty generous, especially when obligated to felt more accurate.

"It's what my grandmother used to do. So sort of the family business."

Considering her dreams were the one thing that wasn't improving with the onset of Dean's antidote, Arden could use some of that. "I'll tuck this under my pillow as soon as I get back up to my nest," she said. "I could use a few nights of light dreams."

Kamala and Cal would probably appreciate that, too.

"I think I remember you saying that, yeah. About your grandmother. Are you getting a botany degree?"

"I sort of need to worry about getting that high school degree first," Eleanor admitted a little wryly.

Ah, to be in that awkward transition class in the shift toward higher education...

"But that's not all bad idea," she aallowed. "I haven't really given it much thought yet."

Her head tilted curiously at Arden.

"How about you? Do you know what you want to go for?"

"Oh right, I forgot that you were still in high school," Arden said with a rueful chuckle.

Eleanor's question had her pulling up her legs a bit, wrapping her arms around her knees. "I don't," she admitted softly. "Everybody else seems like they've got their whole lives figured out and I don't have any clue for mine."

Growing up, she'd always assumed she would end up being one of Callista's Watchers. Which was hilarious, because that was probably what Callista would indenture her to do. If she hadn't told Arden that she was indebted to her, Arden probably would have gone along with it, thinking it was all her own idea.

"Coming to the island was the first time I ever really had a choice about what I wanted to do. And if I go home afterwards, that choice vanishes again. So I guess it's hard to figure out what I wanna do when I also have to figure out where I wanna go along with it. Probably follow Kams home, or maybe see if Gray would fuss if I showed up after college to crash on his couch. His world seems the closest to mine, I think."

"Well," said Eleanor, thinking about it a little bit and looking out toward the horizon for a moment, and about how she never really thought about it much herself until after she ran away from school, unspoken and unknown opposing parallels between them, passing them by in all their guarded caution, "at least you've got time to figure it out. Especially since," her attention shifted back, with a soft smile "it's nothing you really need to be thinking about right now."

"I sorta am though," Arden said, figuring this was a pretty good way to introduce the topic she'd been thinking of talking to Eleanor about anyway. "All this was caused by my past catching up with me. Uh, literally."

She tried to remember what, if anything, she'd told Ellie about her past and was drawing a blank. So either nothing or she was just not at her best (honestly a coin flip), so she figured she'd just start kind of at the beginning and Ellie could let her know if she was repeating herself.

"I told you I was an orphan, right? Spent a bunch of years in foster care, bouncing from home to home? I don't know that I ever mentioned settling permanently with my legal guardian, Callista. Or that I ended up here when I ran away from her?"

And there, the lines, bumping against each other, and Eleanor blinked.

"I think I knew about the foster care," she said, trying to work out all that she did actually know about Arden and separate it from what she'd always just assumed or speculated on. "I don't think I knew that you ran away to end up here, though."

"Yeah, so..." Arden exhaled. "So, where I come from, the supernatural community is called the Otherside. If you remember me saying that my world doesn't have a supernatural community, it's because I lied. I've done that a bunch since I showed up."

Good to get that said up front.

"Not about everything! Just anything to do with my world and the supernatural...and me. Because I'm not a regular human girl without powers. I'm not even actually human. I'm something called an elemental - a Sylph, which means I have power over the air. One of the reasons Callista adopted me was because having a baby elemental growing up in a normal human household would be really devastating for Othersider secrecy. So much of our society is based on humans not knowing we exist and what we can do, because we're tougher and more powerful than humans, but guns balance that out really quickly and humans outnumber us by a lot." Losing the plot there, Finch. "Which is all a lot of backstory to say that Callista didn't adopt me because she wanted to, so for the past decade, every dime she ever spent on me was considered a debt that I would one day become liable to pay back. And she told me that, 'It's time to pay what you owe'. Well, I would have to at eighteen, anyway. And so, I ran. Because I didn't want to spend however long indentured to her to pay back however much a decade worth of expenses plus interest would be. But, uh, considering how much of an investment that was in me, she's been searching for me. And, well, fast forward to last weekend."

A pause. "Okay that was a lot at once. I should break it down into smaller bits next time I explain this to someone."

Eleanor shook her head, that last part making her smile softly, and she took just a moment's more consideration before she spoke.

"No," she said, "I think I've got it okay. So...you're a sylph, an air elemental, and you've been lying about it because, where you're from, that sort of thing has to be kept secret and safe because if humans found out about it, it wouldn't go to well for probably anyone on either side."

Something about that soft smile tightened, hardened, with a grave understanding.

"And your adoptive parent pretty much just adopted you to tally up a debt, you ran away to avoid that debt, and this last weekend, she found you, and now...."

She sucked in a breath, looking Arder for a moment, wincing as she remembered what she'd seen through her grandmother's eyes, exacting the bloody sort of revenge that she could only imagine this Callista had done to Arden.

There was a faint sense of dread clinging to her chest for her friend.

"...what happened to her? Callista? After she found you?"

"Oh, no, the money isn't why she adopted--"

Give Arden a second please, as she was hit in the face with an entirely new possibility. She'd always assumed that Callista had adopted her to get a tiny Othersider - particularly an Elemental - out from human hands, and had started the debt because why shouldn't she get paid for taking care of a child she didn't want? Something the tangential to the real reasons she'd taken Arden in, which weren't exactly about Arden, but still had her bests interests at heart.

But Arden knew that Callista employed hundreds of Watchers and most of them were bound to her by debt. That kind of thing didn't happen by accident. Callista was sharp and there was no way that she hadn't thought of that, too. Which meant that, yes; she had taken Arden in with the full intention of making her a debt-bound Watcher the entire time.

Tears welled and fell. It was so stupid to be upset about this considering everything else Callista had done. But still, confronted with yet more proof that she had never, even once, been anything more to Callista than a tool, that it had been that way from the start...well, it hurt. It hurt badly. The kind of hurt that made her catch her breath, like someone had slipped a knife in right under her ribs again.

"She--she--one sec, shit, sorry, I'm so sorry, I just realized--"

Sorry, Eleanor, hope you didn't mind having a crying Arden clinging to you.

Did Eleanor mind? No. Of course not. Not even a little bit, and as she realized that Arden was starting to cry, she could only regret that she hadn't thought to put something like tissues in her care basket.

Was she surprised, though? Yes, incredibly, wondering what it was she'd said or done to inspire that kind of reaction out of her, going over what she'd said as she held Arden softly, gently, comfortingly rubbing her back as she had so many younger students having a hard time at her old school.

"It's okay," she said. "It's alright. You're okay. Just let it out if you have to. I--"

She faltered a little.

What did it say about her, that she jumped straight to this conclusion that had upset Arden so much, that Arden apparently didn't even think of?

(It said she was a Zarrin, that's what it said).

(It says you've been in this same place yourself).

Eleanor started to feel the hot prick of tears in her eyes now, too, but she made herself focus on Arden, and she made herself think of what she would have needed then.

(You had what you needed; Luma tried to tell you...)

"I'm so sorry, Arden. I didn't mean to upset you."

"No, no, no, it's all my fault for being so stupid," Arden said. She looked up at Eleanor with a tear-stained face. "Did you ever...want something to be true so bad that even though it's been proven over and fucking over that you were wrong, every time you realize another way that it was bullshit, it still fucks you up, even though it shouldn't? Half of why I'm crying is that I feel so stupid and embarrassed that I still somehow had hope that there was even a little bit that was maybe real. But it wasn't. None of it was."

She sat up more fully, brushing the scalding, bitter tears off her face. "I'm sorry," she said again. "I knew that her reasons for adopting me had nothing to do with me, but I'd still thought that...that maybe she was doing an overall good thing. Protecting an Othersider kid. Not for the best of reasons, but...no. It was part of her math from the beginning; make me indebted to her so that even when I was old enough to leave, she could keep me under her control. It's so obvious now, I can't believe I ever believed that the debt was just an afterthought. I'm such a fucking idiot."

Did you ever....want something to be true so bad...

Somehow, that knife that had slipped between Arden's ribs a moment ago managed to find its way between Eleanor's and she winced, letting out a faint near-whimper.

"I know," she said, "exactly what you mean, Arden." She shook her head. "More than you realize, more than I can...You're not an idiot."

As far as Eleanor could tell, at least Arden's naïveté didn't have a body count.

"You're just..." There was a small moment, which she took to summon up a little Kamala in her ear as she breathed out, "a good person, Arden, who wants to see the best in someone, even when they might not be worthy of that. Because you don't want to believe that anyone would ever be like that, even when the evidence is right in front of you, staring you in the face. Because it hurts too much thinking of what it means if you were wrong."

"I don't know that I'm so good as all that," Arden said. "I think it might be more that..." Oh goddess, this was gonna sound so pathetic. "...I just wanted some proof that I did have a home, that there was some little bit of her that did care about me...Like, I know she didn't love me. Coming here and seeing Kam's family, and Gray's, and Graham's and Charlie's and even the stories of Belle's dad, and the way Steven and Watts treated their future kids...I realized that's what love looked like and, like, how emotionally empty my childhood really was. But I thought maybe there was at least a little bit where she cared. Where she tried. But it was all bullshit from the beginning."

It was a good thing she'd ended up here, because she was so desperate for love and acceptance that she basically had 'Easy Mark' tattooed on her forehead for anyone who wanted to see it.

"You been here, too, it sounds like?" Not pressure to share. But an offering.

"Growing up wondering if you'd ever really be loved," Eleanor said, with a small, distant smile, "you just wanted to cling to the idea that someone actually might...

"Yeah," Eleanor then sighed heavily. "I've been there, too. When I was eight, I was sent away to boarding school, pretty much just to get rid of me. I didn't even speak to anyone in my family until eight years later, when I ran away and came back home because I didn't know where else to go. And then.....and then I was so desperate to make things right that I brought in the one thing that would try to destroy us. And she almost did, just because I...

"I'm explaining this terribly," she realized, miserably. "But I really do understand, Arden. And I really was stupid; people got hurt. My father died. And so many people tried to warn me, but I just wanted to believe that everything would be okay..."

"That was your grandmother, right?" Arden asked gently. "The French one? I remember you telling me about her. And didn't she spend a bunch of time, like, manipulating you?" Building on the fact that Eleanor's family's had abandoned her and she felt unloved?

This time, her hug was for Eleanor's benefit.

"Oh, good," Eleanor found herself melting a little bit into that hug with a big sigh of small relief for tiny graces, "I did tell you about her already. But yes. My grandmere. I thought should could help, and she did anything but and she used my own desperation against me. It made it so hard to trust anyone afterwards...." She let out a laugh, a small, interesting thing riding on a sob. "I still catch myself wondering what people are trying to get out of me when they're overly nice or complimentary...

"So if you're stupid for wanting to believe in Callista, then I'm just as stupid for wanting to believe in Grandmere, and I guess that means we can at least be stupid together."

"Hard not to wonder," Arden said. "When you get hurt so bad. And that's the problem, isn't it? When you have hard proof about what happens when you trust so easy, but thinking everyone has a secret agenda isn't healthy." She made a noise that might have been a laugh in another life. "That was why I was so intense about accepting anything from people without making sure that it was definitely one hundred percent free for me to have. Because I'd just escaped one person who'd tried to tie me into debt and she was the woman who'd raised me since I was seven. Why should I believe nobody else would do the same?"

She bit her bottom lip, then added in a halting voice, "I still don't really believe that people will be there for me when they say they will. That's not even all Callista's fault. Getting bounced around from place to place...promised that this was a family I could stay with for awhile only to be handed back a few weeks later...I thought something was wrong with me. Everyone thought there was something wrong with me. Constantly being asked what I did wrong because nobody wanted me to stay--" Her voice caught again, but she powered through. There had been too much crying already.

"Nobody wanted me. Nobody stuck around. It didn't matter how perfect I tried to be, how much I tried to please everybody, it wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough to keep. Until Callista. She showed up and said she wanted me. And then, even when she took me home, the first lesson was that if I was ever in trouble - serious, life-endangering trouble - then I was on my own. Don't call her. I'd gotten into that trouble, it was on me to get myself out. Or not." Her smile was bleak. "Even with Callista, even before I realized all that other stuff, I knew I couldn't trust her to be there for me when I needed her. So, again. Why should anyone else?"

And sure, she knew that not everyone was like Callista, that most people, especially here, were better, but she still didn't know how to make herself believe it.

"That's how she got me, last Friday. I was in the park, surrounded by people and I spotted her. I could have spoken up. I could have asked for help. And part of me was scared that if I asked for help, she'd hurt and kill people who tried. And would keep doing that. But mostly...mostly I think I didn't want to know. Who would help me and who wouldn't. Didn't wanna know for sure. Same for why I didn't yell when we were in the junkyard. Caught between not wanting to have somebody hurt on my behalf...and just not wanting to know."

Because it would have broken something inside of her if she'd called for help and no one had come. Broken it beyond fixing.

She showed up and said she wanted me.

Eleanor felt that knife again on that one.

She leaned a little on Arden.

"Do you still feel unsure?" she asked. "If anyone would have helped?"

That question was a low blow, Eleanor.

"I...." She was supposed to say yes. She should be able to say yes. Hadn't people basically proven it on Sunday? What more did she need?

But it was like when people asked if she was planning to go back to Callista after graduation. She knew the right answer. She even knew the answer she wanted to give! But things were more complicated than that.

"I'm pretty sure that people would have helped," she said. "And I'm pretty sure people would be mad at me if I said I hadn't been sure they wouldn't. Cal got grumpy at me once for being surprised that he'd stayed when the guys at the fry place tried to get me. So, yeah, I believe people would have? But it's still hard to believe they always will. Like maybe some day they'll decide that it's too dangerous or I've needed help too many times or they just...decided they didn't want me anymore. Do you...does that make sense?"

She tried not to hold her breath waiting for Eleanor's answer.

She truly hadn't meant it as one. She was just genuinely curious. And maybe wondering just how much she herself would have been able to trust it all in the aftermath of some big tragedy like this.

"It does makes sense," Eleanor assured her. "Even when you feel like you can trust people, it's hard to feel like it's a good idea that you should. Especially since things could change so quickly. Everything was fine when I was younger. Until, all of a sudden....it wasn't. I didn't even understand why that the time..."

And then there was Lucy, too, who was fine with Eleanor until she suddenly wasn't...

"So, yeah. It's definitely makes sense."

Arden exhaled out a long breath. Finally. Someone who got it.

"I don't know how to explain that to people without them thinking that it's because I don't trust them and not that...when you spend your whole life getting burned, it's hard to believe that not everybody has a book of matches on them." She gave Eleanor a sad smile. "It's why it doesn't bother me if sometimes you wonder what's behind my smile or why we're hanging out. Because as much as you don't wanna, sometimes your mind reminds you that I could be hiding matches. If your own kin did, why should you trust anybody else not to?"

Eleanor was quiet for a moment, wondering if she should also mention also when you yourself had a matchbox, too. She'd mentioned being worried about Callista hurting others who might try to help Arden. But what about Arden hurting them, too?

"It's not easy," she agreed. "Even when you do start to trust someone, instead of even getting to think of how nice it is to finally be able to do that, all you can think is 'oh, this one's going to really hurt when it all comes crumbling down'...."

Arden was simply planning on never using her powers! Easy-peasy! Just don't do the bad thing!

Wait, what do you mean that wasn't how it worked?

"Yeah," she agreed quietly. "I just keep thinking how stupid I am. To keep throwing my heart at things when it's only ever gotten me hurt. Having all of you as friends and wondering when it's going to end. Because it's gotta, right? Nothing can be this good forever. Wondering what I'm gonna do or say that'll make everybody realize that their lives are better without me and when it's gonna happen. Sometimes thinking that maybe I should just do it now and get it over with, so at least it's not hanging over my head..."

The Beach by Midnight Manor, Saturday Afternoon

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NFB for this chunk, pls!

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Re: NFB for this chunk, pls!

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Re: NFB for this chunk, pls!

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Re: NFB for this chunk, pls!

Re: NFB for this chunk, pls!

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Re: NFB for this chunk, pls!

Re: NFB for this chunk, pls!

Re: NFB for this chunk, pls!

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Re: NFB for this chunk, pls!

Re: NFB for this chunk, pls!

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