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The Devil's Nest, Tuesday Night

It was Tuesday, and the Devil was done sleeping off the weekend. It had been an inspiring one, especially near the end, as one could tell by the music flowing from his piano right now.

Well, maybe it had been that, and 'googling how to make anaemic pop palatable'.

Either way, you could kind of tell what he was playing if you squinted.

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Never leave your phone on when you're ~~having a meltdown~~ chasing criminals, Seivarden, it was a simple but useful piece of advice.

"A delightful one," Lucifer agreed, grinning into his drink. "I was happily entertained by a group of college seniors, I can't complain."

Seivarden grinned. "Good to hear."

She ordered a whisky from Tiny.

"And thank you for mentioning the bridezilla thing. Now a lot of the wedding orders make a lot more sense."

Lucifer made an amused noise. "Did you get swamped by wedding orders this week?"

"No, but I get them now and then, and often one of them seems a bit obsessed. I never realised it was the bride."

She made a gesture with her hand.

"At least being picky about flowers for a party makes more sense than trying to arrange one in a couple of hours. Summer tried to explain it to me though and I think I get it now."

"I did have a quickie Vegas wedding once," Lucifer mused, "For reasons that made complete sense, so it's not always completely irrational. Though now I'm terrified to hear what Summer has told you."

"You got married? Why?"

Seivarden wanted to hear those reasons.

"Oh, and since it was Summer it was a long explanation, but the part I got was that these days it's just a party to declare how much into someone you are. So I'm just going to treat it like that and never mention shotguns or unwanted children again."

"There's a bit much paperwork and other bureaucratic madness involved for it to be just a party," Lucifer said. "It took me over a year to get my two-week marriage annulled." Beat. "It was an attempt to con my mother by distracting her with my delightfully devious wife while I tried to figure out her plans."

Edited 2020-07-28 07:37 (UTC)

"Oh. So paperwork. I got the impression it was uncomplicated, or is bureaucracy just really inefficient?"

But then:

"Your mother? Isn't she some kind of... divine being?"

"Yes," Lucifer said. "To both. Getting married means you share all kinds of visitation privileges and other things because the law sees you as a unit. The police were calling me about her death - which turned out not to be her - a year later because I was still listed as her husband."

He took a sip of his drink.

"As for my mother, well, she had just escaped Hell by stealing a human's body, so she wasn't quite as divine as usual. Until the body started coming apart, at any rate." He grinned.

Seivarden, who was in no position to judge stealing human bodies, ignored that and said:

"So a party where you declare how into each other you are, but with legal consequences? Oh, by the way, should I assume that the person who is obsessed with the flowers is the bride? And if the people getting married are of the same gender?"

She paused.

"Do they ever have unplanned children by the way?"

"I wouldn't assume, that's an excellent way to get someone to hurl invectives at your head for being a 'sexist asshole'," Lucifer said, briefly lapsing into an American accent for a second. "And sometimes it is the men who get extremely neurotic. Groomzillas."

He eyed Seivarden. "And I don't know what you mean by that last question."

"Good to know. I don't want to lose another customer, and frankly it's a relief," Seivarden said.

"I just have the impression that people here have children only by failing to use or choosing not to use contraceptives?"

"Or when the contraceptive fails," Lucifer said. "Why?"

"I've just got the impression that that's the only way," Seivarden said. "And that contraceptives are unreliable."

Lucifer stared at her for a moment.

"Do they not teach Radchaai about the birds and the bees or something?"

Seivarden blinked.

"Birds and bees?"

"You know, where babies come from," Lucifer said... Sort of patiently. "When a man and a woman love each other very much, or they're terribly drunk, they do a naked dance and his sperm gets in her egg, that sort of thing?"

"Oh," Seivarden said. "Yes, of course. But you'd have to deactivate your contraceptive implants for that. Or you can use a tank, or have an operation so you can carry a pregnancy. Or hire someone to do it. Like in most places."

Options seemed very limited on Earth.

"You can hire someone to do it," Lucifer allowed, "and some women certainly get implants, but otherwise, no. Not here."

"Just the women?" Seivarden asked, then added: "Actually, I'm not sure I need to know anyway. I'm just not going to ask any questions about wedding orders in the future, or how people have their children."

She grinned. "No need to make things unnecessarily complicated."

"Human men have decided that babies are women's problems, unfortunately," Lucifer answered, because he couldn't resist that one, "and tend to abdicate all responsibility bar occasionally throwing their formerly disposable income at them."

He took a sip. "Just keep that implant of yours working and you have nothing to worry about."

"It's not like I could deactivate it even if I wanted to."

Said just a little bit wistfully. Having children here on Earth wouldn't be her choice, but neither would never having them be.

"I'd need a proper medic for that."

Yeah, that tone was odd. "Do you actually want to have one of those terrible little distractions? All they do is poop, wee, and scream all day and all night."

"That's not all they do. And at some point, yes," Seivarden said, thinking of the very unlikely to happen children thad had showed up.

"Not all of us hate them."

"I will never understand why any of you voluntarily sign up for this racket," Lucifer said, shaking his head.

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